The more you try to “fit in” and hide your HSP needs, the more authentic you will feel – and this will only do more harm than good.
How many times have you paused before expressing a need, wondered how it might sound—or how it might affect someone else—and then decided to bury it instead? Will they think I need it? Am I going to sound like a drama queen? Will I look weak?
As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Maybe you’ve been told you’re “too much.”. As a result, sometimes others don’t recognize or fully understand our sensitive gifts—and we become adept at hiding our needs, often subconsciously.
In the past, I have tried to push back my highly sensitive traits, make them less obvious in hopes of being more appealing to non-HSPs and our busy, extroverted culture. I didn’t want to be the “boring” one who refused invitations all the time. Instead, I pushed aside my need for weekend solitude and the flow dictated by my more outgoing friends. I don’t think I’m alone in this either – after all, we’re social creatures and want to fit in. And fit in we often deny our sensitive sides.
My hesitation to share my true needs is not unfounded either; like many HSPs, I have experienced chronic invalidation in the past, especially from those closest to me. No wonder HSPs feel that hiding our needs is easier than the alternative!
What do HSPs need?
Research shows that nearly 30 percent of people experience sensory processing sensitivity – in other words, very sensitive people. This is the sensitivity property stands behind research.
While each highly sensitive person is unique and may experience their sensitivity in different ways, there are some basic needs that HSPs often share, including:
- Time spent alone to process their thoughts and experiences
- THE soothing environment (chemical free, harsh lighting, you name it)
- A space (such as HSP shrine) for deep thinking
- Downtime between work and social events
- Movies and TV shows that do not contain violence
- And basically anything like that decreases instead of overstimulation increasing that
Why do HSPs feel the need to hide their needs?
We health care providers often internalize our needs to protect ourselves from the anticipated hostility of others— we will do our best to avoid conflict! However, if we do this too often, we deny our body and soul the basic desire to listen.
When I hit my thirties, my body reminded me of the saying, “What we deny, we multiply.” HSPs may deny their needs as a defense mechanism, but that doesn’t mean they disappear. Often the opposite is true, and your HSP needs will find different ways to get your attention.
In my case, I suffered from optical migraines and developed skin irritation like never before. Now I see that these were the worrying symptoms my body is forcing me to listen to my need for balance in my life. Without realizing it, I had been denying my HSP needs for too long. So here are some reasons why we HSPs should stop hiding our HSP needs.
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4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Hide Your Needs as an HSP
1. Even though you often put others first, your needs are just as valid.
Highly sensitive people are sometimes less considerate of our needs because we have been conditioned to believe that our sensitivity is a weakness. However, belief does not mean fact. I’ll be the first to say that if you’ve grown up putting the needs of others first, you need to practice putting yourself first.
In psychology, there is a concept Known as “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs,” it assumes that all humans must have the basic physiological needs for survival before progressing to safety and security needs, social needs, and esteem needs. Physiologically, we need food, shelter, breath and water. And in order to be able to control our lives, we need health, financial security and a safe environment.
Beyond the basics, everyone has unique needs. We can show our needs by having boundaries (which isn’t always easy for HSPs to do, I know!) and listening to the voice within us that has our best interests at heart. you know our intuition — instinctively knows what conditions we need to thrive and shine.
And even though we often put others first—and accept their emotions as our own—don’t forget that our HSP needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. Let it be your guiding light.
2. You can set yourself free by identifying your needs.
Highly sensitive people experience stress more than others because of their finely tuned nervous system. So ignoring our needs is a source of stress. We feel like we are not in control of our lives, create a negative image of others, and undermine ourselves and our abilities. In short, stress dilutes our wonderful HSP qualities. (And why would we want that?!)
We can alleviate this stress by giving airtime to our needs and recognizing them. In my experience, our needs are sometimes so buried that it is difficult for us to identify them or tell others about them. To get to the core of our needs, we have to bypass the rational mind to access the good stuff and become free.
Creativity is one way to explore our needs in a non-judgmental way. You don’t have to be an artist – all you need is an open mind to get started! Even scribbling on a piece of scrap paper and letting your mind wander can still surface your wants and needs. Paper making and creative journaling it works for me. Taking that quiet time for myself—and letting my instincts guide me—often means this ‘blank space’ gives my mind the peace it needs to hear my needs and desires, which makes me feel better.
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3. You’ll (eventually) be able to let go of any guilt you’ve been holding on to.
Guilt is a slippery, unpleasant feeling. As empathetic beings, HSPs are often emotionally “overwhelmed” because of all the intense feelings they were experiencing. This could mean we feel guilty more often.
An example of this was when I confided to a friend that “I’m probably blowing this out of proportion, but the way I was treated at home as a child made me feel invisible, like my experiences didn’t matter.” My friend picked up on how I started the sentence by trying to invalidate myself. (If you didn’t know, many HSPs suffer from chronic disabilities.)
Now I’m more aware of it, and I can’t stress it enough: I have it nothing to make me feel guilty when she asks for something or asserts her needs, my fellow HSP! The first step to loosening the slack is to be aware of how much guilt we carry when we express our needs. The fact that you feel guilty in these situations speaks volumes how others or society influence youas about you as a person. Remember this!
4. You will be able to live a more authentic life.
When we live in accordance ours values and purposeand we feel loved and supported by others, we can live our best lives. We can only get there by living authentically, and that means listening – and acting on our needs – even when it seems revealing and unfamiliar at first.
As HSP, authenticity is one of our true values and secret powers. For example, when I compromise my credibility for the sake of office politics, I feel a semi-physical sensation, a withering inside that seems to be gnawing at my gut. I’m also a realist, so I understand that sometimes it has to be that way in an environment and culture that I have no control over.
However, in my personal life, I surround myself with authentic people and friends. For example, when we go on a hike, they stop every five years to marvel at the sunlight catching on a bird’s wing or the sweet scent of a rose. My HSP would take note of these. My friends who let me be who I am, completely, sensitivity and all. I encourage you to find those who will help you live a full HSP life – in full technicolor!
At the end of the day, still respect your sensitive side
Every new year I make a vision board and stick photos, typography, and postcards on it that all represent how I want to live the year ahead. This year’s vision board is filled with the soothing greens and blues of nature, but at the center is this quote: “What satisfies the soul is truth.” (Yes, Walt Whitman said that.)
No one else takes it upon themselves to honor your every need—and how could you know every nuance of your being? That way you he should respect your needs and be your best advocate. By taking the courage to express your needs—and admit them—you can do yourself justice and let your highly sensitive side shine through.
