“Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I stopped gossiping when life got me down. I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I thought was just talking to innocent girls with my friends was really a way to run away from my own shame and uncertainty.
I had a quiet, constant feeling that I didn’t measure up personally or emotionally. Gossiping about someone else provided a fleeting escape as it allowed me to focus on someone else’s behavior. Every time I did it, I felt guilty and ashamed afterwards, but I never thought too much about it.
It wasn’t until the morning I abruptly ended my two-decade career that left me feeling angry, sad, disappointed, and extremely worthless that I began to look at the “innocent rumors” differently.
I cried a lot in the first weeks, actually months. I struggled to find my place in a world where my job not only paid the bills, but also gave me structure in a crazy world.
I remember sitting on my couch feeling like a vulnerable, vulnerable child when I realized that my friends, who I thought were my support network, casually discussed my recent struggles as if they were the weather.
I felt vulnerable and betrayed, but I was determined to persevere.
In that moment, I realized that gossip was a way to control the narrative for a moment when I felt like my own life was out of control. I turned to her when I was scared orx felt small, but it was just a mirage and each time I felt more empty.
In my own isolation, I noticed a friend who seemed to always turn to negativity, turning every conversation into a complaint and always talking about other people. And it made me wonder, if you can gossip about them so freely, what did you say about me when I wasn’t there? But I did the same to him.
Something changed when he finally admitted that he was exhausted and at his wits end. In that moment, I realized that I often filled in the blanks with judgment instead of curiosity. It was easier for me to gossip about him, to stay in the shallow comfort of speculation, than to ask him how he really was or just sit with him in silence.
What I labeled rejection suddenly felt more like survival and I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t the friend I wanted to be.
Now that I’ve been on the other side, I understand how quickly words can hurt. In that moment, I promised myself that when I spoke, I would speak with empathy and care, knowing how deeply words could hurt.
I have no problem telling people that I don’t gossip anymore, and I know it’s pushed some of my friends away. And I’m okay with that, because those old patterns don’t work anymore.
My own battle has robbed me of judging, speculating, or talking casually about others. When you are brought to your knees by loss, illness or fear, you begin to understand how fragile the human heart is and how hard careless words can be on someone who is already drowning.
I learned that compassion is not the moral high ground; it is wisdom gained through pain.
As my life slowly fell apart, I began to learn what it felt like to be misunderstood in a world judged by appearances while struggling to stay afloat in my personal life. While I was drowning, every whispered comment, every casual judgment, was like a weight dragging me to the bottom of the sea.
In this very personal space, gossip stopped feeling harmless. He started to feel irresponsible and careless talking about the wounds without knowing how deep they were.
I slowly began to see how much wasted energy gossip demanded and how little it gave in return.
The overgrowth of gossip wasn’t about being better than anyone else; it was about the best version of myself. It was about protecting my heart and choosing empathy over meaningless, meaningless words.
My healing required space, silence, and the courage to only discuss things that nourish, not harm. My own pain has taught me that every person carries a heavy enough story without my judgment adding to the weight.
Choosing silence and sympathy it has changed the way I move through the world.
Last week I found myself wanting to engage in a familiar conversation, but quickly stopped myself. During that break, I realized how much more free I can be, old habits no longer weigh me down. I listened more, judged less, and found joy in connecting with people instead of dissecting them. My energy is no longer drained by the toxic weight of gossip, and my heart feels lighter, more open, and more peaceful.
The rumor lasted only a little, but now I decide to move past it and devote my time to what really feeds the heart: kindness, connection and understanding.
About Lisa Ingrassia
Lisa Ingrassia is a former HuffPost blogger and writer for Belief Net. A monthly contributor to Family Christian, her work has also appeared in Her View from Home and The Mighty. He is currently working on his memoir, After the Amenand shares her thoughts on life, grief and love on her social media site, A girl crush. When she’s not writing, Lisa is a devoted wife and obsessed with her puppy, Nitro.
