Unless we engage in conflict, the things that upset us will never change.
The introverted life is better at embracing conflict. Don’t believe me? I will explain.
Confrontation is no fun for anyone. introvert or extrovert, but for us “quiet” people, this can be especially exhausting. It puts us in the spotlight and forces us to express our feelings in tense (and sometimes awkward) conversations.
Therefore, as an introvert, I have spent most of my life avoiding conflict.
When problems arose with roommates or family members, I usually “let them go.” I’ve convinced myself that it’s easier to put up with small inconveniences (such as noisy neighbors) than to make a big deal out of them.
But the truth is, no.
In fact, it takes a lot more energy to actively ignore your problems than to deal with them directly. However, people often do exactly that because they are afraid of getting into an uncomfortable situation or causing discomfort to someone.
And this means that noisy neighbors always lose sleep.
Or take your friend somewhere.
Or clean up your roommate’s dishes.
You are now certainly free to avoid conflict for the rest of your life, and I will never judge you for it, because I cannot.
BUT, if you read on, I’ll explain why your life (even as an introvert) will be better if you embrace conflict rather than avoid it.
Why is it better to accept conflict?
1. You will set better boundaries.
Everyone has boundaries, but some people won’t respect yours unless you set them definitely.
If someone crosses the line physically or emotionally, you need to let them know. This means confronting the person about how they made you feel and explaining how you want to be treated in the future. There are two good reasons for this:
- First of all, you can’t change if you don’t know you’ve done something wrong. It is your responsibility to let someone know if you cross a line. It’s that simple.
- Second, by setting its boundaries now you will be more experienced in standing. So the next time it won’t be so unpleasant.
But if you’re like me, most things are easier said than done. Thus, Here are some tips for setting healthy boundaries.
2. Your friendships will become stronger (and less exhausting).
Depending on the dynamics friendships can challenge us introverts in many ways. Sometimes our friends do or say things that we don’t agree with, but since close friends are hard to come by, we let the issues slide in order to maintain the relationship.
In other words, we avoid conflict.
But as my younger (and wiser) brother always says, we have to feel it most convenient let’s be honest with our friends. Otherwise they are not true friends.
Well, if the people closest to you are doing or saying things that secretly upset you, I want you to try something. I want you to talk! No matter the issue, be it political, cultural or ethical, a true friend will respect your opinion, even if you don’t agree with it.
And a fake friend? They won’t, and while it may hurt to lose them, you’ll end up ridding your life of someone who was probably a complete energy drain anyway.
3. Others will respect you more.
There’s always a scene in prison movies where the new guy walks into the cafeteria and beats up the biggest, baddest guy he can find. He gains instant respect and no one messes with him after that.
I don’t want you to fight.
Definitely not.
But one of the benefits of embracing conflict, whether by setting boundaries or talking it out with a friend, is that you gain respect by showing your willingness to take action.
Think about the people you admire. They may have any number of qualities, such as intelligence, charisma or business acumen, but chances are they will always stand up for themselves and their beliefs.
Well, shying away from conflict may not cause people to disrespect you, but showing others that you’re willing to stand your ground (for whatever reason) conveys self-respect, which in turn earns respect from others. And when people respect you, they will challenge you less.
So for introverts (and anyone, really), respect is a powerful tool to prevent others from overstepping their personal boundaries. Take advantage of it.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
40% discount For introverts, Dear Readers. Use the code TRUST at the checkout.
Click here to purchase the guide.
4. Your work life will improve.
I worked as a dog walker in Los Angeles for a few months. We served a top-class clientele, and my manager was constantly running around during the training. If I didn’t rinse the bowls quickly or put out the dog food quickly enough, I would hear an angry voice saying, “Hurry up!”
As a result, I developed constant anxiety while working. And you know what happened? I made mistakes. Mistakes that I wouldn’t have made if I had taken my time and done the work at my own pace.
I should have set boundaries and told my manager I wasn’t going to rush it. I should have stood up for myself when he belittled me instead of keeping it to myself. But am I?
Not.
I made excuses and told myself I needed the rent (which I did), but the truth was I wanted to avoid unnecessary conflict.
Confronting our bosses can be difficult when our work is our livelihood. In the depths of our souls, there is always the fear that discussing an unpleasant topic will mean losing our job. Unfortunately, this fear is not always unfounded, but it is simply impossible to be productive when you feel rushed or overwhelmed at work.
If your boss is overbearing, disrespectful, or simply giving you too much work, say something.
Everyone is different and we all prefer to work in our own way. Of course, I often take breaks during work to recharge and restart.
In the end, the dog walking job didn’t work out (thank goodness). I quit after my manager blew up for prematurely putting a french bulldog on his walkies. And even though I’m self-employed now, I’ve vowed to never let anyone (boss or otherwise) treat me like that again.
5. It will avoid explosions.
Unfortunately, I’m notorious for keeping my mouth shut and then blowing people off if they push me too far. This is my signature move, and as an introvert, I don’t think I’m alone in this.
One time in college, my roommate invited a “few” (read: twelve) friends to stay at our house for the night without being accountable to the other roommates. Although he was a good guy, he had a habit of pushing the boundaries, and everyone was annoyed by the amount of people he crowded into the house. This irritated me from the start and I should have said something. But I didn’t.
Later that night, after bar hopping with some friends, I came home to find my roommate and his group partying in the living room. He kindly asked how I was. Do you know what I did?
In a drunken rage, I lashed out at him for misleading us about how many people were staying here and lectured him on the policy.
And I did it in front of his friends.
A giant plate of Bagel Bites in my hand.
The next day I woke up hungover and feeling like a tool. I was so embarrassed that I took the train out of town and texted my roommate to apologize. Luckily he was an understanding guy and forgave me.
But the whole explosion could have been avoided if I had quietly pulled my roommate aside and voiced my concerns. It would have been a simple, painless discussion and no one would have had to suffer through my late night ramblings.
And the worst part of the story?
I didn’t eat one of those Bagel bites.
NOT ONE.
It’s all garbage.
For introverts, conflict can be a good thing
As introverts, we have to accept the truth that if we don’t engage in conflict, the things that upset us will never change.
So, the next time you find yourself fearing conflict, I want you to stop, turn around, and deal with it.
It doesn’t mean you yell or get upset. In fact, the conflict should not be seen as a battle at all. Instead, keep things friendly and speak in a positive tone. If you smile and stay calm, your friend or neighbor will feel calm too.
More importantly, listen when it’s their turn to speak. Show the other person that you are listening by repeating some key points and phrases.
With a relaxed, empathetic approach to conflicts, he resolves tensions and saves himself from a lot of stress. I promise. 
