Letting go of our safety behaviors makes socializing less exhausting—and for introverts, that’s a big deal.
I checked my phone again. And again. Still…nothing.
I just made a new one his friend. We exchanged phone numbers, smiled and said we should get together soon. Then we went our separate ways and I never heard from him.
At first I told myself it was good. i am one introvertafter all. I don’t need as much “people time” as more extroverted people. And he was probably just busy.
But eventually I realized what was really happening: I fell back into one of my old safety behaviors. I was waiting for you to send the first one text and make the plans.
He is the initiator for me conversations or plans have always felt risky. It’s like mine brain he doesn’t believe that someone really wants to hang out with me unless he gets there first. They trick me into thinking they were “just being nice” or that I’m somehow bothering them by sending a friendly one-line text.
And lately, these fears are stronger than ever. I am currently He was treated for PTSD after surviving cancer and domestic abuse and I’ve written before about how trauma can make social anxiety harder to ignore.
So I took a deep breath and sent the text. I made the plans. And we had a great time talking over coffee.
What are safety behaviors?
According to Ellen Hendriksen in her wonderful book, How to be yourselfsafety behaviors are the steps we take to hide our perceived flaws. In other words, these are the little things we do to feel emotionally safe in social situations.
Because socially anxious introvertsit might look like this:
- avoiding eye contact
- to be near the edge of a group
- clinging to someone we know
- we overrehearse what we are going to say
- he asks a lot of questions, so the focus does not stay on us
- we leave the room when we find someone attractive
- threw back a few beers to kill off a party
- he cancels his plans at the last minute because he feels too much anxiety
These habits make sense. They help us feel hidden or more in control at that moment. But the problem is that safety behaviors can perpetuate fear because they prevent us from learning that we can handle the situation without them.
They can also send the wrong message to others. We ask question after question so that we don’t have to talk about ourselves, but the other person feels interrogated. What keep quiet so we don’t say bad things, but others think we’re nervous or uninterested.
Shy or socially anxious introverts are often mistaken for it rude coworkers or aloof friends when we’re really just trying to contain the storm inside us.
When safety behavior backfires
Like I said, everything we do sends a message to others. But when you have it social anxietythis is easy to forget. You think you’re going to fade into the background or hide your clumsiness, but safety behaviors don’t break us out. Instead, they send a message, and it’s often the exact opposite of the message we want to send.
For many people with social anxiety, the big “aha” moment comes when they finally see their safety behaviors on the outside. In one of the study seriesResearchers Alden and Taylor asked socially anxious people to engage in a brief conversation with someone they didn’t know very well. Some participants were told to stop their usual safety behaviors.
“Try not to do what you normally do so the person doesn’t think they’re stupid,” the researchers told them. “For example, when you’re talking, don’t do anything to save yourself or avoid eye contact. Just think that you want to discover what will happen if you don’t avoid eye contact.”
The results were incredible. People who abandoned their safety behaviors actually showed up less worried. What’s more, the people they talked to they liked them better.
But here’s the best part: The socially anxious participants thought people liked them more because they seemed less anxious, but that wasn’t the real reason. The others said they liked them because they seemed friendlier, talked more openly, and showed interest in them.
In other words, abandoning their safety behaviors didn’t just help them reduce the “bad” stuff. It helped them do more of the good stuff. When they weren’t wasting energy practicing every sentence and managing their facial expressions, something more natural came through.
And when we act authentically, social situations begin to feel less wearing overall – and this is huge for introverts.
How to stop the safety behavior
So how can you shed your security demeanor and act more authentically in social situations?
You don’t necessarily have to wait until you feel like it calm first. Instead, try to intentionally let go of one of the safety behaviors and turn your attention outward—to the other person or the task at hand.
Here are some additional tips:
1. Name the safety behavior!
“I try every sentence.” “I hide my hands.” “I’m scanning their faces to prove they hate me.” “I only ask questions so that I don’t have to reveal anything about myself.”
2. Name what you should prevent.
“If I speak without rehearsing, I will sound stupid.” “If they see how worried I am rejected.” “If there is a pause in the conversation, it becomes unbearable.”
3. Challenge yourself to drop one safety behavior, not your entire coping system at once.
Make your own phone away. Say the following sentence before you feel perfect. Let your hands be visible. Stay in the conversation for five more minutes. Or share a small, genuine opinion instead of just saying what you think you want to hear.
4. Turn your attention to something else.
Really listen to what the other person is saying. Notice the room, the task, or the sounds around you. Feel your feet touch the floor or the chair next to your back. Ask yourself, “What is this person actually saying, and what am I genuinely interested in?”
5. Let the anxiety be there.
If your voice shakes, his face heats up, or yours the mind is emptiedtreat this as part of the experiment. The point is not to do everything signs of anxiety disappear. The point is to teach yourself that you can still have a successful conversation without your safety behavior – and in the end, everything will be fine.
If you’re using safety behaviors, Hendriksen explains, you’re not being your true self. You’re showing people a filtered, carefully edited version of you—the version you hope won’t be judged. But the problem is that safety behaviors make you believe you’re not likable or not enough because you’ll never have the chance to prove those fears wrong.
When you stop trying to protect yourself, you can finally come out more naturally. And when that happens, social situations can be much better.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created Confident Introvert Scripts. It’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, energy conservation, socializing, and more. I developed the guide based on feedback from therapists and introverts to make sure it really helps.
Introverted, dear readers can take advantage of a 40% discount by using the code CONFIDENCE at the checkout.
