Question: How can I maintain a sense of presence when I am in the company of another person? How do I bring presence into the conversation?
Eckhart Tolle: It’s not easy. The moment he begins to speak, the two minds touch and thus strengthen each other. A flow starts, a stream of thoughts. A moment ago you were present, and then someone begins to speak.
What applies here is the loss of space during the conversation. Both participants in the conversation lost all sense of space. There are only the words, the mind, the verbalization, the stream of thought that becomes sounds. It takes them over. It has its own momentum – almost a small entity, a stream that doesn’t want to end.
It often generates emotions in the body. This strengthens it. If the mental stream is emotional, which is often the case, especially when talking about other people, what they have done, what they have failed to do, what they have done to you, what they have done to others, criticism, gossip, all kinds of emotional things, then the ego comes into play. When you can criticize another, the ego feels a little stronger. By diminishing another in the delusional system of the ego, you have improved your own self-image a little. Any criticism of others is part of this energy flow. Then the emotions come and amplify the thoughts. This is a waste of space.
In order to regain the space without saying “I’m not talking anymore”, you need one thing – the realization that you’ve lost the space. Without it you can’t do anything – if you’re so caught up in a train of thought that you don’t even know you’ve been taken over by a train of thought – you can’t do anything. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” They are unconscious. They are the stream of thought. And as a train of thought, you don’t want it to end – because you don’t want your own end. Every entity wants to stay in shape as long as possible.
If there is even the slightest recognition that you have lost space, you can choose at that moment. What is your choice? It is your choice to bring presence and space to the stream of thoughts. But how do you do it?
It comes to you not only from your own mind, but also from the other person. The awareness is there, and it may only last for three seconds, and then it’s gone again. So you have to take advantage of the two or three seconds when you notice the loss of space and do something about the space where you have some freedom of action. By making a conscious choice, you distract yourself from thinking – but you have to anchor it somewhere else, otherwise it won’t work. So you choose your breath, or your body, or some other sensory perception around you that you become aware of. When you’re talking to another person, it’s probably easiest to use your breath or your inner body.
Practice this beforehand when conditions are easier so you can do it if needed. Go into your inner body, feel that your energy field is alive. And you notice, you don’t think anymore. You can still listen. The wonderful thing is that you can easily and beautifully listen to another person without thinking.
You are listening, but part of your attention is directed to your energy field – so you have distracted yourself from your thoughts. There is a sense of liveliness in the background.
After all, it is formless; this is the door to the formless. Feel this as you sit there and listen, and you have stepped out of your train of thought. Then the quality of the interaction changes immediately. The other person may not be consciously aware of what is happening and may continue for a while. That doesn’t mean you can’t answer anymore. But the way of answering and the quality of the answer also change. You are no longer contributing to the negative nature that often occurs in conversations.
A certain amount of calmness will also be part of the spoken words. This is so subtle that the other person probably doesn’t notice it consciously. So hold on to the inner body, let that be the anchor, and then you will be present. If you lose it again, if the other person says something challenging, then after a while it will come to your mind – and you will go back to your inner body. It is a strong anchor and everything changes from there. It requires constant practice.
