I scored 27 out of 27 on the HSP test. My father scored a 3.
If you are very sensitive, if you belong to a family of less sensitive people, you may feel like you are losing your mind. Highly Sensitive People (HSP) to deeply feel the world around themthey require more alone time than others and are easily overwhelmed in crowded, noisy situations. For family members who do not experience life this way, it can be extremely difficult to understand.
Once you have it finally discovered and embraced the traityou can feel so excited to share it with your family and finally help them understand. Some families completely identify with what you say and jump right in, taking the time to do more research and actively trying to modify their behavior to meet your needs.
But others may not have the initial reaction you hoped for. This can lead to feelings of isolation and rejection, a recurring theme for HSPs worldwide.
We can’t control how others react to us when we reveal that we are an HSP, but we can take steps to approach the conversation in a way that promotes mutual understanding. Here are five tips to help you start this important conversation with your loved ones.
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5 ways to talk to family about being an HSP
1. Take it in stages.
As excited as you are for your family to finally understand your differences, it’s hard for them to process all the new information when you try to handle it all at once. If your loved ones have never heard of the term “highly sensitive person,” it may be helpful to share the information in stages rather than one long puff.
You could start by sharing the 27-point test of the Highly Sensitive Person Scale (there is a simplified version here) to determine if you are an HSP or read it signs of HSP together. Tell them which specific signs align with your experience and ask if they can identify with any of them. This really helps to strengthen mutual understanding as you can verbalize the fundamental differences that affect how you interact with the world around you.
After doing this exercise with my father, our relationship became much easier. I scored a “full score” of 27 on the HSP Scale, while he scored a 3. Now, when we approach a disagreement, one of us might laugh and say “27” or “3,” reminding each other that we’re not in conflict with each other, we’re just different.
By sharing an article or video about HSPs with loved ones and explaining how it resonated, you can slowly work “HSP” into your family’s vocabulary and create a foundation to build on.
2. Turn to the experts.
Trying to explain your personality to loved ones can be overwhelming. It can be hard to know where to start and how to avoid slipping into old patterns when you feel the need to justify your existence.
Sometimes it can be useful to turn to experts. Dr. Elaine Aron, who first proved the existence of the HSP trait, had to study and work for many years to perfect her theory. You can try giving your book to your partner or parents, The highly sensitive personasking them to read it and encouraging them to ask you any questions they may have.
Or you could point them in the direction of this website, Highly Sensitive Refuge, and highlight some articles that really spoke to your identity and experience. As much research as they can on themselves to help you understand that you are very sensitivethe better.
3. Try not to get too personal
When we talk about something that’s important to us, it’s easy to sound accusatory. This is reinforced by the fact that human beings are very bad listeners! As much as we try to hear each other, we often hear what we assume the person is going to say, or what we think the person is hiding in their words, instead of listening deeply to the message they are trying to convey.
This is completely normal and human, and both HSPs and non-HSPs can be guilty of this. With this in mind, it’s important to keep your tone respectful and stay safe in the conversation by avoiding judgment.
For example, you can open the conversation with the following words: There is something I want to talk to you about to help us understand each other better, would that be okay?
By choosing this non-accusatory question to open the conversation, it removes any personal element that might come with a sentence such as: I want you to understand better. Keeping it neutral instead of personal helps the listener really engage with what you’re saying without feeling threatened or attacked. A sense of respect and safety is essential to creating a loving and nurturing conversation.
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4. Write it down.
Once you’ve decided to talk to your loved ones about HSP, you’re probably full of ideas and concerns about how to broach the subject: Do they understand me? Will they think I’m an attention seeker? Will they reject you?
One way to organize your thoughts is to write down how you feel. Not only is the process therapeutic in itself, but it can be helpful for those who struggle to articulate their feelings without being overwhelmed by emotion. Some people may find it easier and more effective to write a short letter or email to family members explaining the trait than to talk in person, especially if your relationships are prone to conflict.
When writing it all down, we can take the time to make sure our words are loving and non-confrontational, while still expressing what we want to say.
Why not start with: Hi mom. I’d like to send you some links to a personality trait I’ve discovered and see what you think. I feel like this could be very important for our relationship and help us support each other even more. Would you check it out and share your thoughts?
If you have a relationship that has been safe to discuss your feelings for a long time, you can try writing a more personal letter. Try to keep the message positive instead of accusing your family of not understanding, because that’s easier for them to receive and process.
5. Practice self-acceptance
Although it feels extremely important to be understood and accepted by those around us, it is much more important to understand and accept ourselves. Remember that high sensitivity is not a disease, but a personality trait with many wonderful strengths.
You don’t need anyone else’s approval to be worthy. You were born to be everything you should be! Unfortunately, some people don’t accept us – ever. This is not because we are flawed, but because of the very strengths that make us shine so brightly. We cannot teach others to understand, but we can teach ourselves to be more resilient to a lack of understanding.
One of the ways of this self-acceptance is to realize that you are not alone! You can join the highly sensitive shelter support group on Facebookwhere you find yourself among thousands of like-minded people cheering you on. Once you realize you’re not crazy and your feelings are valid, understanding everyone in your life becomes less important.
I hope you find a way to talk about HSP with your loved ones. Whatever happens, remember that you are a wonderful person who deserves all the love and happiness in the world!
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A version of this article appeared the following day An extremely sensitive nomad.
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