Some people are easy to be around. It’s not a big deal. These are some small phrases that keep appearing in their speech.
Neither is exactly charm. Rather, it’s that certain words relax the person facing them, make them feel heard, and feel that the interaction is safe. You can include these phrases. Most of them cost nothing and don’t even need to be told for a second.
Here are eight things that really make spending time with someone more enjoyable.
1. “That’s a good point”
Some people can’t dole out that little bit of recognition to save their lives. They hear a decent idea and immediately find the hole, or worse, claim it as their own.
The pleasant ones just say so. That’s a good point.
You’ll notice how quickly the conversation heats up when someone indicates that they’re actually listening rather than waiting their turn. This does not mean that we give up the debate. You may agree with one point, but disagree overall. But giving someone credit for a fair thought tells them out loud that their thinking matters to you. People open up to anyone who feels a little smarter instead of a little smaller.
2. The true power of “I could be wrong”.
Notice how differently people react to someone who leaves a door open. I could be wrong, but that’s how I see it.
It immediately takes the edge off of disagreement.
A person who can never admit they are wrong turns every conversation into a competition. The one who tosses around with a little uncertainty gives the other person room to think out loud. It’s not a weakness. It usually comes across as genuine confidence, one that doesn’t need to win. People will argue with you a lot less if you’ve already admitted that you’re not going to be anything.
It kind of makes them want to find the truth with you instead of beating you up.
3. “Take your time”
Much of everyday life carries with it a faint compulsion to hurry. The person deciding what to order, the co-worker still finding the file, the friend looking for the right word. Most people radiate impatience without meaning to.
The pleasant ones say take your time and be serious.
Those two words put a little weight on the person on the other side. Suddenly, they’re not a nuisance when they hold things up. There is generosity in giving someone permission not to rush, especially in a world that is always knocking at your feet. You’ll notice that people breathe easier next to someone who doesn’t silently want them to go faster. It indicates that the person matters more than the schedule, and people feel the difference immediately.
4. When you say “tell me more about that”
Most people, when there is a gap in the conversation, fill it with themselves. Someone mentions their trip and they’re already telling the story of their own trip. Pleasant ones do the opposite. They lean in.
Tell me more about it.
It’s a small phrase that gives the spotlight back to the other person. People are rarely asked to continue, to say the second and third things they thought. Being invited by someone makes you feel really interesting, maybe for the first time all day. You don’t have to be a big talker to be good company. Often, it’s just a matter of being curious out loud and letting the other person feel like they deserve to hear more.
5. “There’s no rush when it works for you”
There’s a version of it where we ask for things with pressure, and there’s a version that doesn’t. Pleasant people have mastered the second.
Can you send it? There’s no rush when it just works.
You will notice how much easier it is to help someone who is not by your side. The sentence says I need this, but I also respect that you have a life. This is the difference between a request and a demand disguised as a request. People end up wanting to do something to the person who never made them feel cornered. Oddly enough, a calm question is often answered more quickly because no one is afraid of the interaction that comes with it.
6. “I really appreciate you”
Not what they did. Them. There is a small but real difference between saying thanks for the trip and saying I’m very grateful for you.
One is polite. The rest land somewhere deeper.
People are used to being thanked for tasks and rarely say that they are valued as people. If someone crosses this line, even accidentally, they tend to get stuck. You will notice that you change the temperature of the friendship over time. It’s easy to ignore this, to assume that people know. Most people don’t, not really. The agreeable ones don’t hoard their appreciation for big occasions. With simple words, they let people know they are happy to be around more often than absolutely necessary.
7. Owning up with “it’s my fault.”
Notice what happens when something goes wrong and someone simply says it’s my fault. There’s no excuse behind it, and neither are you.
The whole room exhales.
Most people, when cornered by a mistake, are the first to defend themselves. They explain, deflect, spread the accusation. The person who can clearly own their part is strangely disarming because it is so rare. It eliminates tension instead of fueling it. You will notice that people trust someone more, not less, after they clearly admit their mistake. Indicates that there is no game.
Few things make a person easier to be around than knowing you’re not tying yourself up to avoid being held accountable.
8. “How are you really?”
The word really does everything here. He signals to the other that the usual fine will not be necessary this time.
Most how you are is a reflex, and both people know that.
Pleasants occasionally ask for the real version and wait for the real answer. It’s a small thing that can really matter to someone, especially someone who pretends everything is fine. You don’t have to do it all the time. But sometimes it’s kind of a gift to give someone the opportunity to be honest about how they do it. People remember who bothered to ask the second question, the one that actually wanted a true answer.
A little experiment
The nice thing about these is that they are currently available for free to anyone. You don’t have to become a different person. You just have to reach for a little better words in ordinary moments.
Pick one that rings true and try it this week.
