“I’m only telling you this because you care.”
Most of us have heard that line before, and most of us have felt the odd little drop in the stomach that follows it. Because you know what’s coming, and you also know that you’ve just been given a reason not to defend against it.
Here’s the tricky part. Almost every phrase on this list is said by people who mean it. That’s why they’re useful for those who don’t. Genuine concern and controlling behavior use the same vocabulary, so the words themselves never tell you which one you’re dealing with.
Which tells you what happens next. Make sure you read these because I don’t want anyone who finishes this article to be convinced that their mother is a psychopath.
1. “I’m only saying this because I care about you”
Notice where it is in the sentence. It almost always comes directly in front of criticism and functions as a shield.
If you hold back the following, you no longer agree with the criticism. You reject someone’s care. This is a much more difficult matter and usually gets into the argument before it starts.
People who genuinely care about you tend to say the hard things and then sit there feeling uncomfortable about having said them. First, they don’t make themselves fireproof.
2. “I’m just worried about you lately”
It’s worth listening to this properly, because sometimes it’s the most important sentence they’ll tell you all year.
One should notice the version where the worry never becomes nothing. No offer of help. There is nothing specific to worry about. It’s just a low, constant hum of worry that is somehow always connected to the parts of life they want to change. Your new friends. The job she’s excited about. How much time do you spend away?
Ask yourself a simple question. Have you ever done something for you because of this person’s concern? Or does it just result in you doing something for them?
3. “I don’t want to see you hurt”
Aiming at risk, this is love. If it’s aimed at a plan, it’s often something else.
Starting a business, applying for the job you’re underqualified for, going back to study at 44, moving cities. All of this carries with it the potential for public failure, and there’s a certain type of person that’s really uncomfortable to be around.
They rarely say don’t do it. They say they’d hate to see you disappointed, then go on and on about all the ways it could go wrong. You get smaller and you can’t show exactly what happened.
4. “I’m the only one who will be honest with you”
There are two things going on in this sentence, and only one is about honesty.
The other is a silent suggestion that everyone else in your life is either lying to you or doesn’t care enough to bother you. Repeatedly for months, it really works. Their opinion starts to weigh more than everyone else’s combined because they’ve positioned themselves as the only reliable signal in the room.
Related versions: “your friends won’t tell you this”, “no one else has the courage to say it”, “I’m the only one who really knows you.”
5. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it”
This is the hardest thing to spot because it looks like generosity, and to most people, that’s exactly what it is.
But there is a pattern where someone takes over the finances, the reservations, the difficult phone calls, the negotiations, the driving. Always kindly. They always phrase it as taking a load off you. And after two years, you find that you’ve lost the ability to do some of the things you used to do well, and you can’t easily leave the deal even if you wanted to.
Help that is really help usually includes you. He teaches you the thing or does it next to you. Control Help will silently remove access.
6. “I’m not mad, I’m just hurt.”
Sometimes it’s true, and it’s worth taking seriously when it is.
The manipulative version has a specific form. It comes with the full pressure of anger and accountability, so there are no concrete answers. You can’t apologize for anything because not a single thing has been named. You can spend the next few days just improving your mood.
See if it ever resolves. Real grievances can be talked about and eventually put to rest. The other version hangs around the house for a week, doing work.
7. “Let’s keep this between us”
Any sentence that has the effect of reducing the number of people who know something is worth a second look.
He usually comes dressed as protection. I wouldn’t understand. Your family would just worry. It will cause drama for no reason. Sometimes it makes perfect sense and privacy in a relationship is normal and healthy.
What you have to watch out for is the build-up. A private conversation is nothing. The slowly growing list of topics that can’t be discussed with anyone outside of the relationship is a different animal, and it’s usually the last thing people notice because at the time, every single instance made perfect sense.
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It’s the little that really matters
None of this in itself is proof of anything. I’d be wary of anyone who tells you otherwise, and I’d be especially wary of her directing this list to a conversation you had last Tuesday and making judgments about someone she loves.
The two versions are not separated by words. That’s the direction things are headed next.
Real care tends to extend your life. In the end, you will have more opportunities, you will be surrounded by more people, and you will be able to read about things with more confidence. The other kind narrows it down. Fewer friends, less certainty, a growing feeling that you are hard to deal with and lucky to have someone to put up with you.
This is the test I would use if I could only keep one thing from him. Not what was said. Whether your world is getting bigger or smaller around this person, measured in a year, not a week.
And if you read all seven and feel uneasy about a particular relationship, the most helpful next step is non-confrontation. It is a discussion with an outsider that is the hardest part of the pattern.
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