Sensitive people invest a lot of resources in imagining and planning for the future. What do you do when none of them work?
You have arrived. Your first day in high school, collegea new job, on your wedding day, a professional achievement, or move to a new city – select the milestone.
Expectations are high. You may be excited and confident or nervous and cautious. Either way, you have a picture in your head of how the big moment will play out: what you will say and do, how others will react, and perhaps how you will. to feel. If nothing else, you have a plan.
Then it happens.
On the flip side is the reality of what actually went wrong. Perhaps it exceeded your expectations, or it may have unfortunately crashed and burned. Whatever happened, it is a universal truth that our expectations and reality rarely match.
Why do expectations rarely match reality for highly sensitive people?
Because extremely sensitive peoplewho are able to paint whole worlds in our heads, even everyday events can differ from our expectations. Maybe it’s just a night out with friends, a company meeting, or a concert you’ve been waiting for. Our high expectations can put too much pressure on everyday experiences, while our negative expectations can hold us back from simply living.
The expectations of sensitive people are influenced by our deep cognitive processing, which is the cornerstone of high sensitivity. Deep processing refers to the nervous system’s ability to thoroughly and carefully evaluate all kinds of stimuli, including physical, emotional, and ideational connections. Highly sensitive people (HSPs), who devote more mental resources to this type of deep processing, use all the information from their past experiences and current perceptions to make predictions. These predictions are often shockingly accurate.
Other times, however, we see so clearly how things are should go and it’s extremely frustrating when they don’t end up that way. This can be called the “expectations versus reality” syndrome – and it can hit HSPs especially hard.
Let’s be clear: expectations are high – or only special expectations – not a bad thing. In fact, your expectations are a a tool capable of shaping reality. But they can lead to many things heartache, disappointment and confusion. The bottom line, though: it doesn’t have to be this way.
If we can moderate our expectations and be intentional about managing our realities whenever and wherever we can, those realities can exceed the HSP’s expectations. It just needs a little recalibration. Here are seven examples of common “expectation vs. reality” clashes for HSPs—and how to reframe them.
Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter for HSPs. An email every Friday. Click here to sign up!
7 “Expectations vs. Reality” for HSPs
1. Expectation: They will notice all the effort you put into the little things.
Reality: Others don’t necessarily share the attention to detail.
Whether it’s a work project or a birthday present for a friend, HSPs tend to put their all into our efforts. We can’t help but be meticulous, and that’s our strength, which we bring to every situation. It can be annoying that other people don’t notice the details like we do. HSPs go to great lengths for the little things, and we can skillfully support that effort. Instead of feeling hurt when our efforts go unnoticed, we can point out that the thing we’ve thought about so meticulously is especially meaningful or useful, whatever the case may be.
Consolation: HSPs can be confident in their meticulous efforts and see this as a strength worth highlighting.
2. Expectation: Others will be moved by a book/film/song just as deeply as you.
Reality: You experience art on another level and others don’t always connect—even close friends.
This affects me a lot. When I want to share a piece of art that has influenced me, it feels vulnerable, like sharing a meaningful song or movie recommendation from a deep part of me. If the other person doesn’t react the way I expect, it can feel like rejection. I realize it’s not fair to put so much pressure on someone else’s experience. They have as much right to their experiences as I do. I’m learning to appreciate my experiences in their own right and remove the expectations for others to feel the same way.
Consolation: Yours relationship with artistic expression enriches your life. Even if it is not shared by others, its depth should be appreciated and valued.
3. Expectation: Your twenties will be the best years of your life.
Reality: Young adulthood is a period of transition and self-discovery that can be especially intense for HSPs.
This is an expectation that everyone – HSP or not – needs to let go of. Every decade of life has magic and hardship, and the “best years” are unique to everyone. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we spend an entire decade of our lives under pressure to meet prescribed expectations. Life is beautiful and hard, whether you are 22 or 82. While your twenties can be especially intense, there’s beauty in your intensity, and you’ll make the most of your adulthood when rely on your sensitive strengths.
Notably, the same goes for the other laudable seasons of life, whether it’s your high school or college years, your 30s, the day you finally give birth, or your golden years when the kids aren’t home. Each will have a mix of joys and challenges.
Consolation: Her sensitivity ensures she squeezes every last drop out of everything life has to offer, a gift at any age.
4. Expectations: The event will be too overwhelming, so there is no point in going.
Reality: Okay, this can be overwhelming! But if you can take care of your sensitivity, the event may surprise you.
HSPs can talk themselves out of almost anything. There are always a million reasons not to do something, and HSPs can think of two million reasons. It will be too noisy, too crowded, too bright. The traffic! The smells! The uncertainties! And remember, our sensitivity occasionally gives rise to psychic abilities, so all of this is not only possible, but probable.
The reality is that while HSPs’ lives are full of overstimulation, prioritizing enriching and memorable experiences is worth addressing in the way they are overwhelming. It allows us to exceed our expectations care for our sensitivities. Arrive early, get as much information as you can, bring earplugs and snacks, step outside for a sensitivity break, plan to leave early, and schedule downtime before and after. Is that a lot of effort? Of course. Is it worth it for a life full of discoveries and experiences? Totally.
Consolation: This expectation of being overwhelmed may be accurate, but HSPs can transcend it by attuning to our sensitive needs.
Need to soothe your sensitive nervous system?
HSPs often live with high levels of anxiety, sensory overload, and stress—and negative emotions can overwhelm us. But what if you finally felt at ease?
This is what you will find in it this effective online course Julie Bjelland, one of the best HSP therapists in the world. You will learn to turn off the racing thoughts, end the emotional outpouring, eliminate the sensory overload, and finally make room for your sensitive gifts to shine.
Stop feeling held back and start believing that you can handle anything. Check out this “HSP Toolbox” and start making changes today. Click here for more information.
5. Expectations: Your friends will want to dive deep into conversations just as much as you do.
Reality: HSPs often feel a bit left out with their friends when it comes to emotional depth and desired level of connection.
HSPs can and should live from our depths with confidence. We do this by inviting others to go deeper and accepting that they are not always in a place to connect. Relationships are a give and take of depth and lightness. We can’t always assume that others will seek the level of connection we desire, but we can accept that expectation by extending the invitation to go deeper.
Consolation: HSPs can enjoy a deep and meaningful life with us rich inner life and by encouraging deeper connections in our relationships.
6. Expectations: Your professional and/or parental life will flow naturally.
Reality: For HSPs, work and family balance it requires constant recalibration for the rest of its life. There are ebbs and flows, and it’s often messy.
HSPs crave meaning. We look for this in all areas of our lives, which can be worthwhile, but also means a lot of pressure. We can struggle with the mundanity of those who create the great meaning of life. THE fulfilling career he is still working. Raising amazing people demands boring tasks every day. THE satisfactory relationship it requires a strong will.
So the key is to learn to take care of ourselves in all the little things so that they contribute to the big goal of a meaningful life. Managing the vast majority of small steps to living a purposeful life is hard work. It requires proper self-care on a daily basis, and not many of us have examples of this in life. It won’t come naturally at first and will always be messy. We just have to remember that our big, lofty desires in life will not come true without taking care of ourselves in those small steps.
Consolation: Let’s learn to take care of ourselves as we take care of ourselves lead a meaningful life helps us excel in everything.
7. Expectations: Your life will look like everyone else’s.
Reality: Living like everyone else is overrated and a sure path to burnout for HSPs.
What’s the point of living like everyone else if it makes you miserable? Partying, little sleep, and constant travel—the kind of stimulation that others may find exciting and satisfying—often have the opposite effect on HSPs. Are we really missing out if we don’t enjoy the things that everyone else is doing?
FOMO is a compelling threat, but true contentment comes from learning to create a life that speaks to us, regardless of how it compares to someone else’s. HSP expert Alane Freund calls it one “Five for Prosperity” Golden Rules for HSPs.
Consolation: I’m looking for a life in tune with your sensitive nature it can lead to one that you actually enjoy.
The ultimate reality is this: when HSPs accept that our experiences are unique to us, we can find and create a fulfilling life that exceeds expectations.
You may like:
This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products that we truly believe in.
