Socially awkward people have science in the “spotlight,” which means we have rich inner lives and often get lost in our own thoughts.
Hi, my name is Kyra and I’m socially awkward.
I like to get this out of the way early because, let’s face it, things are probably going to get pretty weird from here on out.
Ever since I’ve been socially awkward, I’ve spent my life being cool, saying stupid things, and generally not fitting in. introvertsocial life is not my favorite thing. But add in the myriad of horrific memories I’ve been haunted by in my past, and it’s no wonder I mostly keep to myself.
Being an introvert doesn’t necessarily mean you’re socially awkward, but the two sometimes overlap. Of course, as in my case, the fear of anxiety and embarrassment in a social setting, it can make us lean into our introversion. And in a society that tends to a favor An extroverted personality and an introverted nature can make us feel awkward.
A lifetime of being socially awkward
For most of my life, I assumed that my social struggles were personal, subjective, and unique. As a child, I watched other children chatting with each other and marveled at their easy existence. How did everyone else have this special knowledge about it making small talk, welcoming new friendsand avoid public embarrassment? It was like skipping school on the day everyone else got their Guide to Being Cool. As I got older, I hoped that if I could just get my hands on a copy, I could finally figure it all out.
Much to my surprise, my day finally came during a trip to the library a few years ago. Ty Tashiro’s book, Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Awful he was sitting facing out on the self-help shelf. My heart skipped a beat when I read the title. Could this be the book I’ve been waiting for?
For the next week, I raced through the chapters with reckless abandon and relief. Although the book didn’t teach me how to get rid of my clumsiness, it did tell me this I’m not alone in my predicamentand it helped me understand some of the ways in which my clumsiness can actually be seen as a gift.
What is social awkwardness?
The opposite of social awkwardness is “social fluency.” Socially fluent people are lucky enough to have the brain’s social interaction center “on” all the time. This means that every time you meet a person and start a conversation, your brain is already primed for social interaction.
Not surprisingly, there is a well-documented relationship between social fluency and extroversion. Tendon studiesextroverts (especially in childhood) show more smoothly ability to communicate verbally in a social setting like introverts.
In contrast, the social interaction center of the brain of socially awkward people is “turned off”. Although we can eventually activate this part of the brain (for example, when we enter a social situation), we always start from a cold start. Think of it like putting your keys in the ignition of a car that has been sitting in the snow overnight. Sometimes the engine needs to turn over a few times before you can start it.
Every socially awkward person knows this scenario:
Socially Awkward Person: “Hi, how are you?”
Socially fluent person: “Thank you, I’m fine, how are you?”
Socially Awkward Person: “Thanks, I’m fine, how are you?”
Socially fluent person: “You just asked me that.”
It’s a perfect example of how our brains need a few minutes to catch up before they can comfortably engage in conversation.
Is there a purpose to social awkwardness?
Socially awkward people have been characterized by science as “spotlighters,” meaning we have rich inner lives and spend a lot of time thinking about things that fascinate us. Most introverts can relate – we can even more so immerse yourself in a great book and take the time to examine all the thoughts and feelings it stirs up in us, then head out to a loud party.
Although the spotlight focus doesn’t do much in our social life, it does not contributes greatly to society. Think about it: If everyone was built the same and we all focused on that they interact with each otherwe would miss the kinds of discoveries that can only be identified outside existing systems and cultural practices. Socially awkward introverts are at their most at peace when we lots of alone time to recharge. It is precisely the comfort of being on the outside looking in that uniquely equips us to see patterns that might be overlooked by people more tightly woven into the social fabric.
The thing is, it’s harder for socially awkward people to make friends. Unlike our socially fluent peers, it takes a little digging to see the gold mine that lies just beneath our surface. nervous, social-anxiety laughter (and in my case snort-laugh; tell me I’m not alone here). But when people do it he chooses to greet us, I think he’s socially awkward Introverts are the best friends you will ever have. Here’s why.
Why do socially awkward introverts become best friends?
1. Sensors – all their thinking (and overthinking) comes in handy!
Introverts think… a many. And because they’re so used to sitting on the sidelines of social interactions and watching what’s going on, they’re adept at identifying patterns and providing valuable insights. If you’re looking for a friend who can give you great advice that opens your mind to a whole new perspective, they’ve got you.
2. They are honest – they have no reason not to be.
Socially awkward people have no game. When you chat with them, they’re not aiming for popularity or manipulating a certain social outcome. Instead, they speak from the heart and honest about their feelings. Since socially awkward introverts are mostly content being alone, you know that if they choose to spend time with you, it’s because they genuinely think you’re great.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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Click here to purchase the guide.
3. They are empathetic and care about how you feel.
Socially awkward people are painfully aware of how different they are (based on society’s normsat least). Most of them were ostracized and ridiculed their whole lives. This makes them highly empathetic with others in similar situations. Did you completely bomb out at your big workplace today? Did you say something stupid to a new love? With socially awkward friends, you can freely share your worst moments without being judged.
4. They know how to make life’s difficult moments easier.
Socially awkward people are so used to life’s moments that they find humor in almost anything. They know that a little self-deprecation can go a long way to defuse a tense situation. They have experienced life’s lows and are uniquely equipped to help others find a smile during difficult times. If you’re looking for a friend with a dark sense of humor who isn’t afraid to goof off once in a while, look no further than a socially awkward friend.
5. They are very loyal.
When socially awkward people finally do find friends who “get” themthey are very loyal and protective of their friendship. Introverts tend to form deep bonds with the select number of friends they bring into their circle, and the socially awkward understand even more how rare and special it is to connect with someone who appreciates what you bring to the table.
In the eternal words of the late music journalist/author/musician Lester Bangs“The only real currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone if it’s not cool.” If you want a “ride or die” friend who will stick by your side, then socially awkward friends are your best bet.
Bonus: How to Befriend a Socially Awkward Person
On mine Instagram pageI have a reel series in progress where I explain complicated concepts using objects around the house. I recently made one about social awkwardness, with a lit candle for the socially fluent person and an unlit candle for the socially awkward person. While the lit candle smoothly starts the conversation, the unlit candle fumbles with the lighter, panicking as it tries to fire up its social interaction brain center.
In the comments, one of my readers who not socially awkward shared a sweet insight that brought tears to my eyes: “I love this perspective,” she said. “We need to have more grace and less judgment when we first meet (awkward people). Allow more space to warm up without pressuring the situation.”
Socially awkward introverts have so much to offer. We just need a little grace—a little time to get comfortable—before you can see what’s so special about us. Just give us a little understanding and let us warm up, grope a little, and get back on track.
And if it’s you a socially awkward introvert, why not try extending that grace to yourself? Instead of criticizing yourself for every social transgression, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your brain only needs a minute to warm up. Remember that you have many gifts beneath the surface, and those around you are lucky to have access to them. Then, when you get to it, throw in a good old-fashioned snort name on my behalf. At least we remember that we are not alone. 
Follow me on Instagram, @kyra_evans_writerto gain further insight into social awkwardness, introversion and healing from self-criticism.
