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“Remember, you’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try to approve of yourself and see what happens.” ~ Louise L. Hay
It was there – glaringly obvious on the page. An embarrassing typo stared back at me from the back of a brochure I received from the printer. A brochure I wrote, laid out and yes, gave the final sign off for production.
My stomach clenched as tears welled up in my eyes.
“You idiot, I screamed to myself silently.
In an instant, similar mistakes I’d made throughout my long career in communications flashed back, piling up to the present moment, creating a familiar fog of self-loathing. The thoughts that started with thatIf only” and that’s how it endedyou know better” swirled in my brain, disconnected from all sense of proportion.
I knew I had come off much harder than necessary. Considering the huge amount of printing material produced over the years, mistakes were rare. But as a perfectionist, they’ve all been big hits—especially when I see in retrospect where I prioritized deadlines over process.
When will I learn? the voice continued.
A default setting has been activated. For days afterward, that single typo colored everything I did, quietly tainting my perspective.
But mistakes at work weren’t my only place inner critic appeared.
Once, during a disagreement with my partner, I argued my point of view mercilessly. Even as the conversation unfolded, I felt a little uncomfortable knowing I was wrong—or at least not entirely right. Still, I doubled down. Fairness mattered more than honesty, more than justice.
The moment passed, but the feeling remained. I replayed the exchange hours later, he cringed at my stubbornness. I saw that the need to protect my ego overrode my integrity. The self-talk that followed was brutal: Why couldn’t you admit you were wrong? Why do you always have to win?
Another time I justified being rude to someone who irritated me. I told myself they deserve it. I was tired. A lot has happened to me. My reaction, I reasoned, was understandable.
Except later, it didn’t feel like it.
Long after the irritation had faded, a familiar heaviness set in. I didn’t feel right – I felt small. I replayed my tone, my words, their facial expressions. My inner critic seized the moment again and cataloged the interaction as evidence of my shortcomings.
Fast forward to a recent dinner with an old friend of mine—one of the nicest people I know, and also one of the most trustworthy. Left unchecked, this trust taught him some hard lessons: two examples being a verbal agreement with a landscaper that gave him no legal recourse, and lending money to a colleague who had quietly disappeared.
He is not incapable of learning. Over time, he introduced safeguards to help him stop and control his instincts—and these efforts often paid off.
It was unusually quiet that night.
When I asked how he was doing, he said he was fine. When I gently pressed him, he told me what happened. Someone sent him a message claiming that money was accidentally sent to his account through a digital payment app. He checked, saw the funds, and immediately sent it back – only to find out later that the transaction was fraudulent.
“I wouldn’t have thought so,” he said in a heavy voice. “I’m such an idiot. I know better.”
As he spoke, he clenched his fists and tapped the table. I reached over and wrapped my hands carefully around his, stopping their movement – and his spiral.
“Hey,” I said. “You’ve made real progress in detecting fraud and questioning people’s motives. This was a stumble, not a setback. Think of it as a reminder to slow down and use the tools you already have.”
In the midst of reassuring my friend, a nagging question arose.
Why don’t I talk to myself as kindly as I talk to others?
Maybe you’ve had a similar experience. You encourage your friends when they stumble and soften your voice when someone you love is struggling. Yet when you to fail or fall short to achieve a goal, his voice becomes sharp and critical. The compassion you freely give to others is suddenly nowhere to be found.
The reasons for this relationship are varied. For example:
He was criticized as a child
Early criticism can become internalized. When praise was scarce or meeting standards seemed impossible, many of us learned to equate love with achievement—and carried that tone into adulthood.
You are a perfectionist
Perfectionism it trains the mind to look for faults. Mistakes seem loud, while successes are barely noticeable. What appears to be motivation is often disguised fear.
You grew up with high expectations
Even without overt criticism, the constant pressure to excel can quietly suggest that who you are is not enough unless you achieve.
You experienced abuse
When the damage occurs in childhoodthis is often interpreted as a personal failure. This incorrect blaming can later surface as relentless self-judgment.
These patterns make it easier to live in our heads, replaying moments and magnifying missteps. The mind becomes a place of constant evaluation, rarely offering compassion or grace.
For me, my childhood and teenage years were permeated by an atmosphere of expected success. Although my parents sometimes shared my frustration when I failed academically, I always knew that their love was not tied to my graduation. Nevertheless, my own perfectionism took root early on, forming a critical inner voice.
This self-criticism deepened in adulthood. Mistakes began to seem dangerous, tied to my livelihood and sense of security. This was compounded by a marriage in which love and approval were highly conditional, making mistakes and imperfections an even greater emotional cost.
By the time I realized how much my self-esteem had fallen, I was completely immersed in self-judgment. Each mistake elicited familiar, rehearsed self-deprecating dialogues. I became my own harshest critic—aiming at myself with weaponized words that I would never have dreamed of directing at another person.
That’s when I realized that this voice isn’t helping me – it’s hurting me. And I started looking for another way to relate to myself.
Learning to break out of the cycle didn’t happen all at once. But there were clear, compassionate shifts that helped me begin to treat myself with the same care I treat others.
Developing Compassion: 7 Steps to Treating Yourself Kindly
1. Notice your inner critic.
Pay attention to the voice in your head. When you catch yourself to think hard thoughtspause and identify them: Ah, it’s my inner critic talking.
For example, when I realized that a deadline had been missed, my brain immediately went into attack mode. The criticism was swift and familiar: How could you let this go? You are incompetent. By simply noticing this voice, I created a little space—enough to observe and take the first step toward learning the other way to respond.
2. Talk to yourself like a friend.
If you have already noticed the inner critic, ask yourself how you would react if a friend of yours were in the same situation. If a friend told me they missed a deadline, I wouldn’t question their competence or value. I would remind them of everything they are juggling and help them think about next steps. By offering myself that same perspective, it softened the tone of my internal dialogue and made room for compassion.
3. Reframe the error as information, not judgment.
From here, it was easier to see what really happened from a calmer place. Instead of seeing the missed deadline as evidence of failure, I began to treat it as information. Did I exaggerate? Did something need to be adjusted? When mistakes are viewed in this way, they become signs of learning rather than evidence of personal shortcomings.
4. Create a pause before responding.
When emotions run high, give yourself a moment. Take a deep breath and step back. Pause interrupts the self-criticism reflex and disrupts the spiral of self-judgment. For me, stepping away—even for a short time—allows me to respond more thoughtfully and kindly.
5. Practice small acts of self-care.
thinking about it self care being supportive rather than indulgent has helped me understand how important this is. Instead of pushing myself even harder after a misstep, I started asking what would actually help me start over—perhaps a short walk, a quiet journal, or spending time with someone I felt completely at ease with. These small actions reinforced a new message: mistakes do not require punishment; they call care.
6. Celebrate your small and big victories.
If we are used to self-criticism, it is easy to ignore what works. But even small victories deserve recognition. Over time, celebrating your wins will help balance the critical voice in your head. The typo I mentioned earlier was rare. Acknowledging the many flawless pieces of print that had previously appeared helped put the error in perspective.
7. Replace the critical script with a kinder one.
The inner critic often repeats the same lines word for word. Over time, I learned to interrupt these scripts and offer myself a different message—one based on reality and kindness. Instead of “You always screw things up” I practiced “You are human, you learn and you can adapt.” Every time I chose a kinder response, the old script lost a little of its power.
Bring It Full Circle
That night, sitting across from my friend, I saw how easily compassion flowed out of me—and how foreign it still feels to turn that same care inward. But learning to treat myself differently didn’t require perfection or complete transformation. It started with noticing, stopping, and choosing a kinder response, one small moment at a time.
Errors still occur. But now, instead of facing these moments with harsh judgment, I meet them with curiosity and care. And in the process, I realized that the compassion we offer others has always been available to us – we just need to practice it to land.
About Lynn Crocker
Lynn Crocker is passionate about helping people change their inner dialogue and take ownership of their thoughts to create a more purposeful, joyful and fulfilling life – one thought at a time. If you would like support in moving this mindset forward, or guidance in developing a more solid, powerful internal dialogue, I invite you to schedule a free discovery call to find out if mindset coaching is right for you. More information: lynncrockercoaching.com.
