The next time an introvert needs some alone time, remember that it’s not personal. They need solitude because that is how they are wired.
I like spending time alone. There is nothing better than that to be at home in my comfortable clothes, reading a good book or watching a show while munching on snacks. That’s not to say I don’t long for time with “my people” – the people I laugh with and share my day with. But when I don’t have enough alone time, I feel tired, irritable, and overstimulated, even when I’ve enjoyed being with the people I love.
I’ll show you all the classics signs of introversion.
Sometimes when I need alone time, the people in my life get hurt. They feel rejected, but that’s not what it means. I need some solitude to recharge and feel like myself again.
Why do introverts need solitude? Why socialization exhausts useven if we’re having fun? Recent research offers interesting insights. In my book, I delve deeper into these findings, The Secret Life of Introverts.
A strange relationship between introverts and rewards
At the time of writing my bookI talked to him Colin DeYoungis a professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota who has published a study on introversion. He explained that one of the reasons introverts need solitude is because of how we respond to rewards.
No, I’m not talking about the gold stars you might have earned in elementary school (although you could argue that stickers are actually rewards for kids). For adults, rewards can be money, social status, social relationships, food, and even sex. When you get it get promoted at work or convince an attractive stranger to give you their phone number, you get a reward. Hooray!
Of course, introverts also value things like money, relationshipsand food. However, researchers believes that introverts respond differently to rewards than extroverts. Compared to our more outgoing colleagues, we “quiet” people are simply less motivated and energized by the same rewards. It’s like extroverts see big, juicy steaks everywhere, while introverts see overcooked hamburgers.
In fact, as any introvert can attest, sometimes these “rewards” are not only less attractive, but tiring and annoyinglike a big party. This brings me to another reason why introverts need solitude: we respond differently to stimulation.
An extrovert and an introvert go to a party
For example, take two friends a house party — an an extrovertthe other is an introvert. They are crammed into a crowded room with loud music blaring from huge speakers. Practically everyone is shouting to be heard over the noise. There are a dozen conversations happening at the same time and as many things needing their attention.
For an extrovert, this level of stimulation may seem appropriate. He sees potential rewards everywhere—an attractive stranger across the room, opportunities to deepen old relationships, and the opportunity to make new friends. Most importantly, tonight is an opportunity to increase your social status among your friends, especially if you play your cards right.
So the extrovert feels energetic and excited at the party. In fact, he is so motivated that he stays late into the night. The next day, you’re exhausted and need time to recover – after all, partying is hard work. But for him, the energy spent was worth it.
Now back to our introvert. See you there, lurking in the corner? He has the environment it feels overwhelming. Too loud, too many things going on at once, and the crowd creating a dizzying buzz of activity. Sure, he wants to make friends, fit in, and be liked, but those rewards aren’t that enticing to him. You feel like you have to spend a lot of energy on something that initially interests you only mildly.
So the introvert goes home early to watch a movie with his roommate. In your own apartment, with just one other person, the level of stimulation is just right. He was texting a woman he met in one of his classes a few weeks ago. Like the extrovert, he also wants friends and a romantic partner. However, he finds the noise and social life of a large party too tiring to make these connections.
Dopamine is the difference
Chemically, there’s a good reason why the introvert in the above scenario feels that way overloadedand refers to the so-called neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical in the brain is often called “feel good” because it regulates our pleasure and reward centers.
One of its roles is to spot potential rewards and motivate us to pursue them. For example, dopamine draws an extrovert’s attention to an attractive stranger at a party and motivates him to come up with a cheesy pick-up line.
Another important function of dopamine is to reduce the cost of our efforts. Socialization requires energy because it involves paying attention, listening, thinking, speaking and moderating our emotional reactions. Technically, social life is tiring everyoneincluding extroverts. However, dopamine helps make them less exhausted.
According to DeYoung, extroverted people have a more active dopamine reward system. As a result, they better tolerate – and often push through – the fatigue that inevitably accompanies socialization. Most of the time, thanks to dopamine, they don’t experience the same level of mental and physical fatigue as introverts.
It’s called the “introverted” hangovernot the “extroverted” hangover reason.
Introverts and the New Theory of Dopamine
In his book published in 2002 The introverted advantageDr. Marti Olsen Laney hypothesized that introverts may be more sensitive to dopamine. In other words, maybe we “quiet” people need less of it to feel good. Too much, he wrote, can make us feel overstimulated.
Science has come a long way since then. When I caught up with DeYoung again, he said the theory has since been debunked. In fact, scientists now think the opposite.
In fact, DeYoung told me they are extroverted those who are more sensitive to dopamine. For example, when introverts and extroverts are given the same drug that affects dopamine, the extroverts tend to respond more strongly and be more motivated later by similar stimuli.
It’s not that dopamine per se overstimulates introverts. Rather, when introverts do things that are overly stimulating, such as going to a party, they may not release as much dopamine. Extroverts, on the other hand, can get much higher levels of dopamine from these same activities.
“Without the sense of reward, extra focus, and dopamine-induced sense of ‘worth the effort,'” DeYoung said, “introverts simply find activities overwhelming and/or tiring.”
Extroverts place more importance on people
Finally the study found that extroverts may simply find people more interesting than introverts. This finding is consistent with the idea that introverts are less motivated to seek social rewards.
In this study, researchers observed different groups of individuals and recorded the electrical activity of their brains using EEG. While the participants were shown pictures of objects and people, the researchers measured their brain’s P300 activity. This activity occurs rapidly in response to the sudden changes around us, and is so named because it occurs within 300 milliseconds.
Interestingly, the researchers found that extroverts showed the P300 response primarily when viewing faces, while introverts only showed this response after viewing objects. Essentially, extroverts’ brains became more active when they were watching people.
That’s not what it means introverts hate people (although it’s true, the human race can get on my nerves at times). Researchers still don’t fully understand introversion. However, these results suggest that extroverts simply place more importance on social interactions than introverts.
So next time an introvert in your life you need alone time, remember it’s not personal. Introverts need solitude because their brains are wired that way. This is not necessarily the it reflects how they feel about you or your relationship.
As for me, I’ll find you at home tonight. Preferably with the whole place to myself, that is.
Are you an introvert who finds it difficult to explain your need for solitude? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts. That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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