An embodied understanding of self-respect and self-compassion is something that can be achieved through the practice of awareness and mindfulness. Distinguishing between the two is key to living with true confidence and peace of mind.
We really are our biggest critics. The human mind, which is genetically predisposed to spot problems, tends to be very self-critical. On the one hand, it serves us by helping us grow. However, constant self-judgment does more harm than good.
We usually correct low self-confidence by trying to increase our self-esteem. Read on to learn why self-compassion is actually much more effective when we see ourselves as worthy of loving-kindness.
What is Self-Compassion?
When it comes to distinguishing between self-compassion and self-esteem, it helps to understand what self-compassion really is. It is not self-care or self-love, although these can also be involved in the expression of self-compassion.
Self-compassion is the act of caring for our own suffering. Sometimes it’s easier to understand compassion as it relates to others. When we see someone in pain, the compassionate response is to wish for them to be free of their pain or to act in a way that makes it so. It is compassionate to want others to feel better. We can do the same for ourselves.
To offer self-compassion requires three important ingredients. First, we must be aware of our own discomfort, pain, or suffering. Second, we recognize that this pain is not just ours because we are bad or unworthy. Rather, it is a common human condition. Finally, we extend loving-kindness to ourselves as much as to the other.
The importance of self-compassion
Most of us are used to being hard on ourselves, especially in our most difficult moments. When we are faced with discomfort or pain, we may feel guilt or shame. We can speak harshly to ourselves with words of self-blame, self-criticism or self-judgment. However, reacting to hurt in this way only makes us feel worse.
Repeat this and it can lead to deep self-loathing, depression and anxiety when you make mistakes or don’t like it. We can reverse this by learning to replace our self-punishing behavior with genuine self-compassion. With practice, self-awareness makes our lives better.
Research supports the idea that there is a strong connection between a sense of self and well-being. Those who rank the experience of self-compassion is high less depression, anxiety, stress and suicidal thoughts.
What is self-esteem?
Researchers generally define self-esteem as “a general sense of self-worth.” It is “the extent to which the self is competent in the areas deemed important in life”. High self respect it was once considered a measure of psychological well-being, but today’s researchers are not so sure. The disadvantages of high self-esteem may outweigh the advantages.
Self-esteem differs from self-compassion in that it depends on the stories and beliefs we have about ourselves that are true or not. Moreover, we may rely on avoidance, external circumstances, and comparison with others to manifest such feelings of worthiness.
For example, to protect our sense of dignity, we may reject constructive negative feedback. We might get mad to those who dare to point out our mistakes or how we might have hurt them. Not taking responsibility for our actions only leads to more damage, hinder personal development and change.
Self-esteem is not only dependent on how we see ourselves, it can also go up or down depending on how we perceive and compare ourselves to others. This also perpetuates the damage. It keeps us in a paradigm where we are separate from others and seen as better than maintaining a sense of self-confidence and worthiness.
Self-knowledge vs. self-esteem
According to mindfulness and self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff self-esteem vs self-compassion makes a clear distinction. Self-esteem is positively related to public self-consciousness, social comparison, anger, self-rumination, and even narcissism. Self-compassion, on the other hand, has a stronger negative relationship with these traits.
Self-esteem is unstable. It depends on our thought patterns and beliefs about external conditions. So maintaining high self-esteem is a challenge. Self-compassion can be stabilized with practice. It’s not about feeling unique or better than others. With self-compassion, we can be flawed human beings like everyone else and still feel good.
To understand what makes self-compassion so different from self-esteem, we can look again at what defines self-compassion. The following is based on Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion vs. self-esteem.
Mindfulness vs. overidentification:
Self-compassion is rooted in our willingness to accept the truth of this moment, even if it hurts. However, self-esteem depends on whether we identify with our beliefs about ourselves. Over-identification encourages us to look away when reality challenges these beliefs. It keeps us closed and we often don’t want to grow.
Common humanity vs isolation:
Self-compassion reminds us that we can never endure our difficulties alone. As humans, we are all perfectly imperfect and it is perfectly okay to make mistakes. Self-esteem depends on feeling separate and special, which can make you feel alone. Comparing our value to others is also a recipe for hurt.
Loving-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment:
Self-compassion calls us to practice self-kindness. We try to give ourselves grace, speak kind words to ourselves, and manage our pain. Self-esteem, on the other hand, requires continuous self-judgment. We are more likely to get stuck in self-doubt as our constant self-evaluation becomes pathological.
The role of self-compassion and self-esteem in relationships
The wonderful thing about compassion is that it is omnidirectional. The more we practice compassion for ourselves, the more we will be able to extend compassion to others and vice versa. Self-compassion can help improve our relationships by fostering greater empathy and deeper, more meaningful connections with others.
A 2021 meta-review of 72 research papers on self-compassion and relationships found that those with higher levels of self-compassion were more likely to experience secure attachment. Higher self-compassion is associated with healthier friendships, family, and romantic relationships in which conflict is constructive and repairable.
within the family, evidence suggests that parents with a sense of self prefer to change their parenting behavior according to their child’s needs. Their children are also more likely to exemplify self-esteem.
Kristin Neff On deductibles and self-esteem
Kristin Neff is a mindful self-compassion researcher. He is currently an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. Neff holds a BA in Communication from the University of California, Los Angeles (1988) and a PhD in Moral Development from the University of California, Berkeley (1997).
In 1997, Neff began meditating in the Buddhist tradition. He set out to research self-compassion—a central construct in Buddhist psychology that had not yet been empirically examined.
In addition to his pioneering research on self-compassion, he developed an 8-week program to teach self-compassion skills. With his colleague from the program, Chris Germer, who came on board as a guest teacher Mindfulness exercises teacher qualification programis called Mindful self-compassion. his book, Self-compassionPublished by William Morrow in April 2011.
Self-compassion vs. self-esteem comes to the fore in Kristin Neff’s next video. Neff explains why it’s better to practice the former.
Overcoming challenges to self-esteem and self-esteem
For many of us, self-compassion requires practice and cultivation. In the process, they often face obstacles and challenges. We can do it overcome the barriers of self-compassion reminding ourselves that this doesn’t have to be done perfectly or all at once either.
The first step in cultivating self-compassion is accepting that we are hurt, that pain needs to be dealt with. This alone is understandably difficult enough for some. With loving awareness, we can begin to become aware of how we suffer.
It can help us remember that we don’t always have to be happy and that suffering is part of being human. What’s more, we don’t have to face our sufferers head on. As a child, we can move toward acceptance of our condition by gradually addressing what we feel, or by stepping in and out of our practice.
Practicing self-compassion and self-respect
Let the following resources help you develop your sense of self and self-esteem. May they help you offer grace in times of trouble.
Listen to podcasts and audio meditations on self-compassion
Use a self-compassionate meditation script to guide your own practice
Use a mindfulness worksheet to guide your self-compassion practice
Deepen your understanding by teaching others about self-compassion
Conclusion
We can strengthen honest self-esteem by taking esteemed actions, such as telling the truth, fulfilling our commitments, or being of service to others. But research shows that cultivating self-esteem is less effective than self-compassion in order to feel good, worthy, and cared for. When our self-esteem is high, we are much more able to maintain a solid, positive view of our inherent worth.
