“A codependent person is someone who allows themselves to be influenced by another person’s behavior and who obsessively wants to control that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beattie
I have felt insecure in my own skin since I was a child. I was the extremely sensitive child, and I struggled with low self-esteem for most of my life after that.
Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked outside of myself for approval. I grew up believing that other people’s opinions were the only accurate reflection of my core worth.
As a teenager, I witnessed the breakdown and eventual dissolution of my parents’ marriage. During these years I really felt like an island.
He was often tormented by a dark, mysterious unhappiness. The usual teenage growing pains were accompanied by the trauma of losing my family identity. In a desperate attempt to confront these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; when it wasn’t provided, I felt like a failure.
I was caught in a vicious cycle of seeking external confirmation that I was me pretty good.
At school, I took on the role of boy-crazy-funny-girl. I wanted to be adored, nurtured and cherished.
I kept a list of all the cute boys in my school and spent hours dreaming of a happy, fairytale love.
I was constantly focused on the pursuit of happiness outside from myself. This habitual practice eventually led to an inability to be satisfied unless you were something or someone provided authentication. I felt like that most of the time not good enough.
This falsely instilled belief led to a decade-long battle with co-dependency.
My first codependent relationship started when I was nineteen. He was ten years older than me and, unbeknownst to me at the time, addicted to cocaine.
Our routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We spent our weekends drinking and gambling at the local pool hall. More often than not, I spent my entire weekly paycheck on a Saturday night.
HE belittled meshe yelled and consistently criticized my appearance and weight. She compared him to his previous girlfriends. I began to see myself as an incomplete person in need of major improvements and improvements. I was so emotionally fragile that the wind could have knocked me over.
In a frantic effort of self-preservation, I engaged in many fear-based behaviors. I became obsessed with him. I was controlling and jealous. I needed to know everything about his past. I desperately wanted him to accept me.
During the ten months we spent together, I neglected my body and mind. My weight dropped a shocking thirty kilos. I was completely cut off from my family and friends. I developed severe anxiety and it crippled me panic attacks. I knew something had to change, so I gathered my courage and left him.
I thought I had broken free from this unhealthy and unsatisfying lifestyle, but the bad habits carried over into my next two relationships.
I spent four years with a person I loved very much; however, his alcohol addiction brought back all my insecurities and controlling behaviors.
We spent four years between wonderful love moments and horrible physical fights that left us numb and depressed.
When that relationship ended, I sought solace in another unavailable partner who couldn’t provide the stability I so desperately needed.
Such is the nature of a codependent person. We look for what is familiar to us, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After nearly a decade of journaling codependent hours, I finally faced myself. I knew that if I didn’t make significant changes, I would forever be trapped in a life that was not conducive to my spiritual and emotional growth.
In a scene eerily similar to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, pray, love bathroom meltdown, I faced the music. I got myself a small apartment and began to heal.
The first couple of days alone were absolutely excruciating. I cried and cried. I had difficulty doing basic tasks like walking my dog or getting groceries. I turned completely inward and fed my confusion like an old friend. Anxious and lonely, I did the only thing I could think of: I asked for help.
My first step was to order Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No more. This is perhaps the most significant self-improvement book I have ever read. I felt a weight being lifted as I read, page to page.
I was finally able to understand all the behaviors, feelings, and emotions I had struggled with for so long. I was textbook, my highlighter confirmed when I filled out the “codependency checklist.” Perhaps some of these questions resonate with you.
- Do you feel responsible for other people – their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, desires, needs, well-being and destiny?
- Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or try to take care of their feelings?
- Is it easier to feel and express anger at injustices done to others than injustices done to you?
- Do you feel safest and most comfortable giving to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives it to you?
- Do you feel empty, bored and worthless when you have no one else to take care of, no problems or crises to solve?
- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your own life when you’re in love?
- Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and put up with abuse so people can love you?
- Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that also don’t work?
(You can read more at habits and patterns of codependent people.)
After admitting my co-dependency, I connected with an online support group for family members of addicts/alcoholics. It gave me the opportunity to share my story without judgement, and little by little I healed my aching heart.
The most significant things I learned along the way:
1. Nothing changes without change.
It is such a simple but profound truth. It reminds me of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The cycle of codependency can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing a super loving relationship with ourselves. Otherwise, you will constantly find yourself in unhealthy codependent relationships.
2. We cannot control others, and it is not our job.
Over the years, I have constantly tried to control and micromanage other people’s behavior to avoid my own negative feelings.
I chose partners who were addicted to alcohol and drugs. I often chose angry and avoidant men. Focusing on what was there is a problem with themI could ignore what it was empty and unfulfilled in me.
I naively thought it would give me a sense of stability. In fact, it did the opposite. When we give up the need to control other people, we have the opportunity to connect with ourselves.
3. Love and obsession are not the same thing.
For many years, I mistakenly believed that love and obsession were one and the same. I gave a lot of myself to my partners, naively believing that this was the path to happiness.
I learned that healthy love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of the romantic relationship. Spending time alone, with friends, and working on personal projects allows you to really connect while you’re together without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we give ourselves and our partners a break.
For many years I I neglected my own needs. Now I prefer personal time to do individual activities: reading, writing, walking, thinking. I began to heal when I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life. One of my favorite things to do is to spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light some candles and listen to Alan Watts.
4. Life is not an emergency.
This is a big deal! I lived in a constant vortex of stress – I was terrified of people, of abandonment and of life itself.
I used to worry so much about all the things that were out of my control – often other people’s. Now I realize that life is meant to be enjoyed and savored. Good and bad things can happen, but with a focused and balanced heart, we can overcome any obstacle.
The key to balance for me is living each moment to the fullest, accepting life as it is. Even then, I know that the Universe has my back and that everything in life is working out as it should.
If you don’t hold this belief, it may help to remember it you have your own back and you can handle whatever comes your way. When you trust yourself and focus on yourself instead of others, it’s much easier to enjoy life and stop being afraid.
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I have assembled a group of superhero coaches and teachers who have helped me significantly in my quest for self-improvement over the years. I receive loving support and encouragement from so many sources. My dream is to give some of this back to the world. I hope I did that with this post.
About Ariane Michaud
When she’s not devouring every foreign film she can get her hands on, Ariane likes to cuddle with her pug and run tirelessly on the road to self-realization. Although overly organized, she is spontaneous when it comes to love.
