During my Hinge days, at least 50% of the dates went like this: After we met a few times, the person I was seeing asked a question or made a comment juice. No, they didn’t reveal that they were married, they said something that seemed a little too intimate. Perhaps they referred to a distant future or asked if I planned to get married one day. Or maybe their tone had broadened and now they seemed to like me a little too much—maybe even love me. My instinct? Throw them away.
Finishing things after a one-time trick like the above isn’t necessarily a problem – you just realize they’re not for you. It will happen. But if you find yourself breaking things over and over again every time someone gets too close, you’re probably a pufferfish. Not a real sea creature – just someone who repels people.
popularized by is based on ball fishing Katie Mortonlicensed marriage and family therapist and author Why do I keep doing this? He learned the concept from him in his 20s him Therapist: After another short-lived relationship ended with Morton calling it quits, the therapist pointed out that this cycle was probably the result of Morton’s fear of vulnerability. “He said, ‘You’re a puffer. If someone gets too close and you start to feel vulnerable, instead of communicating, you stick your spine out.”
For Morton, fishing began with romantic relationships. But it’s a behavior that can show up in friendships or family relationships as well. Here’s all the advice you need to recognize puffer tendencies and learn how to deal with them—whether you have someone in your life who is constantly bloated, or you’re guilty of doing so yourself.
What does angling look like?
Ball fishing can appear differently for each individual. But that seems most likely to be avoidance, he explains Julie NewmanLMHC, a therapist based in New York. “A puffer may not return texts, reach out, avoid making plans or express curiosity about someone else’s life for a while,” she says.
Morton says that in his life, gobbler fishing manifests as ghosting, or wanting to cut off communication as quickly as possible. But it can also seem like you’re being belligerent with someone—like always picking a fight when things get serious—to self-sabotage the relationship. “Poof fishing is really just for self-preservation. It’s an ancient instinct to make sure we’re OK,” Morton tells SELF. “We think of protection as physical, but in this case it’s emotional. And that’s just as important.”
