As an introvert, being married to an extrovert can be like a game of tug-of-war as we each try to pull the other in our direction.
I met my now husband at a local brewery in Oregon. We were both from abroad and moved to a small seaside town.
I sat at the bar of the local brewery, I mind my own business like introvertswhen a guy I’ve never seen before sat down next to me. I heard him tell someone he was from New York. He struck up a conversation and I asked him what brought him all the way to Oregon.
“I’m visiting my brother.”
“Oh, who’s your brother?”
“Kayle.” There is no other explanation.
“Huh, who is it?” I had no idea who he was talking about.
I honestly think he spit out his beer as he yelled, “Don’t you know Kayle?!” like it was the most absurd thing he had ever heard.
I laughed. “No, I have no idea who that is,” I said, looking like it was a joke.
He pointed to a guy playing foosball in the corner, “He’s over there. Hold on… Kayle! Hey!” Then he introduced us. I thought it was cute, but also that he seemed annoyed at being pulled away from his foosball game.
The night was uneventful (and I’m not even sure when we saw each other again). But it almost was it is impossible not to run into people in such a big cityeven for an introvert like me. It was definitely impossible for me not to see him again, an extrovert who seemed to be everywhere all the time.
The honeymoon phase
Yes, I was in a relationship with that soccer player. And the early stages of meeting, interest, attraction… are full of excitement. So maybe I left the house a little more than usual, I went to more events and concerts and stayed out later than my introverted self would have liked. But what can I say? He was cute and his charm was hard to resist.
The honeymoon period came and went as it happens and our dating relationship became more and more serious. We moved in together and started adjusting to each other’s quirks. I had to admit that I didn’t want to go out all Friday night – and he became honest about needing to get out of the house more often. At first it was like a game of tug-of-war, with each of us trying to pull the other in our direction.
Realize with each other (aka Many communication)
I needed the many The purpose of communication is for each of us to understand the other and find ways to compromise – without taking things too personally. If you wanted to go out with friends on Saturday night, but I needed some downtimei felt like he didn’t care enough to stay home with me and he felt like i didn’t value our friends enough to go out with them.
At first, it felt like our core values were simply different—which seemed like a recipe for failure in a relationship. When in reality it was just different for us needs. Of course I appreciate our friends and I like to spend time with them, but sometimes I need to demand — the downtime to recharge so I can actually enjoy spending time with them. And of course he cared about my needs; he just didn’t understand them, or really didn’t know what they were. (At least not initially.)
So we put one foot in front of the other and just moved forward, sometimes stumbling, sometimes running. We found compromises that worked for us, like him joining a Pool League and going out with his friends every Wednesday night while I stayed home and enjoyed a quiet night to myself. We also took care of the dates which didn’t always involve other couples or friends, so we had time and space for deep conversations alone. And of course, we also sometimes hung out with friends and family and enjoyed the support of the community.
But the most important thing is that we continued to communicate about what we needed at the moment let’s strengthen our relationship.
Marriage and babies and change, oh oh!
Suddenly five years flew by and we found ourselves walking down the aisle saying, “Yes.” A month later, I found myself looking at two blue lines on the pregnancy test. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Well, we decided to double that and have kids until then.
I’ll be honest, it didn’t really occur to me that just because we’ve found the rhythm of our relationship, it doesn’t mean that we’ll naturally be in sync as parents. The first few months are a real mess. Lack of sleep can really bring out your differences and exacerbate your conflicting needs in ways you never thought possible. And the delicate balance between the two of us seemed to be upset by the presence of a third.
After four years and two children we are still trying to find a way through the fog a little bit. Not to mention that those four years included a cross-country move with an almost three-year-old and an eight-month-old in the middle of the pandemic. There have been many highs (and some lows) and we are definitely not experts. But here are some things I know for sure.
4 things an extroverted married introverted parent should keep in mind
1. You are on the same team.
Most of the time, my husband and I want the same result – we just get there in different ways. But until we realize that we are actually aiming for the same goal, you may feel that the other person does not understand.
So before you talk about the how, explore the “what” and “why”. It’s much easier to be open (and less defensive) when you feel like you’re on the same team with the same goal in mind.
2. You are all as important as the children.
It’s so easy to always put your children’s endless needs first and forget that you’re human too, with needs and feelings and all the things you were before children. And so does your partner.
Although it can seem overwhelming—sometimes even impossible—don’t lose sight of yourself…or each other. Look up over the dirty diapers and screaming babies and really see Each other, whether it’s cuddling on the couch when the kids are sleeping, getting up in the middle of the night when the kids need something (and giving your partner a break), or the aforementioned dates,
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
40% discount For introverts, Dear Readers. Use the code TRUST at the checkout.
Click here to purchase the guide.
3. Introverted parents are still introverted.
Dear introverted parent, you are an introvert—whether you’re single, married, have kids, have pets, or live on the moon. Your basic needs won’t really change. Your environment and the means by which you meet these needs will probably have to adapt to different stages of life.
But know yourself and stick to your introverted boundaries. (Same for extroverts.) For example, when you need alone time and you need to poke a hole in your introverted sanctuary, say something. If you’re the extrovert in the relationship and need to go see some friends, say something. Whatever the case, communicate. (Always!)
4. Everything is always changing
When it comes to parenting, it’s almost like starting the dating process all over again. We meet these tiny little people and then we look up and see our partner who is now a parent and it’s like meeting them again.
The honeymoon period comes and goes, and we settle into the messy process of figuring out what works—and what doesn’t—and how to meet our own needs, the kids’ needs, and maybe get some sleep. Again, while trying not to take everything too personally or too seriously, we remember that we are on the same team with the same goal.
Maybe you have another child, or move across the country, or change careers, or any life-changing scenario. And in these scenarios too, you start the adaptation process all over again. Life only goes through phases, and sometimes it’s simply our perspective that makes all the difference.
But the most important thing is that you are lucky enough to hold the hand of the person you love as you meet (and meet again) again and again. And you can replace and modify the “rules” during the parental marriage as needed. 
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