I used to think that introversion was something that needed to be “fixed”. But I was wrong—and eventually I stopped being an extrovert.
When I was younger, I had the idea that introversion was something that needed to be “fixed.” It came from that mentality an introvert who was also shy at times (two different things!). Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t doing “enough” to get by, be firmor have fun. And to be honest, I didn’t even fully understand my aloofness at the time. That way I unintentionally “faked” being an extrovert.
Years ago, I wrote my college application essay about how I came out of my shell in high school, partly because I came to accept that I was a “quieter” person. But I don’t think I fully grasped the nature of my introversion—or fully accepted it—until my 20s. “Extroversion” was still something I longed for.
Well into my late teens and early 20s I would experience Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) if I didn’t have weekend plans – like doing something quiet on a Friday night was somehow not cool.
How did I get to the point where I felt like I was (or needed to be) more extroverted? In college, I felt a bit more extroverted—and probably seemed to others—which I think can be natural in an environment with built-in social situations all the time. this is it more easily For some introverts, being social when these opportunities are constantly in front of us… but it can also be exhausting.
I discover that I am an “extroverted introvert”.
of course at the collegeI participated in dance parties and other lively university events such as concerts, and I have fond memories of these experiences. My favorite moments from those years, however, are quiet game or movie nights, long conversations with a small group of friends, and lazy Sunday brunches. My late teens and early 20s were filled with amazing experiences that I am grateful for every day. But at the same time, some of these experiences hid my more introverted side from not only the world, but… myself.
It’s a story of self-acceptance and looking back on the moments when I started to “get” myself as an adult. The moments when I stopped trying to be an extrovert and accepted being an introvert. In the process, I also understood that I’m a bit of an extroverted introvertand some of my behavior was real, not ‘fake’.
During the process of understanding, I began to recognize which aspects of my personality were real and which were just me trying to fit into the concept of “extrovert”. I wasn’t the usual life of the party, but I wasn’t in the corner either. (Okay, so sometimes I was in the corner hanging out with the host’s pets not the people, but the point is that I accepted myself for who I was – I don’t need to be the life of the party.)
Here are five ways I learned to do this I didn’t want to strive for some mythical “extroverted” ideal or necessary in my life. And still not.
5 ways I stopped pretending to be an extrovert
1. I loved (and needed!) being alone after a busy work week.
Shortly after I got my first full-time job, I realized that I was often tired on Friday nights. During my work in higher education, I often needed to participate in an outgoing, stimulating environment and spend a long time with others.
In those situations, I found myself not trying to be more extroverted, but drawing from the parts of my personality that already felt more natural in social life. It was fun to make real connections with others as part of my work day. THE extroverted aspects of my work it also meant that he was not at a desk, which was a plus!
At the end of the week, however, I found that I like to sit on the porch with a book and a glass of wine. When I wasn’t working, I found being alone relaxing and restorative. I also spent more and more time outside of work to explore my new cityI set aside Saturday mornings and afternoons to go out—by myself—and get lost in a bookstore or park in a coffee shop.
In retrospect, I see that this new routine was part of a necessary introvert recharge. My early to mid 20s was when I began to appreciate my alone time and understand that it was not for “not cool”. spend time alone on weekends. (Also, I began to care less about what other people thought and asked myself, “Who defines what is “cool” anyway?” More on that below!)
2. Large social gatherings were… less fun.
In my late teens and early 20s, it was always about having something to do do it Friday or Saturday night. Like it was weird stay home for one – or both – nights. (Which, by the way, I don’t think is strange at all – being at home on the weekend wonderful.)
After university and after a year abroad, I no longer regularly spent time with people who knew me well, the idea of talking to strangers at a party late at night just… no. I wasn’t a fan of going to crowded bars and clubs, and I distinctly remember a few moments in my 20s when I wished I was somewhere else, like a cozy pub with a handful of friends.
My social energy level was something I paid more attention to. Perhaps spending more and more time alone has helped me recognize these levels more clearly. When I was relieved to come home to my quiet room after a social or work event and shoot a movie, I knew something had changed—both in my overall priorities and in how I understood myself. I enjoyed the social time (up to a point) but my alone time (and my own room) became a sanctuary in my adult life.
3. As an adult, I had more natural independence.
I distinctly remember, at the tender age of 21, when a friend first described me as ‘independent’. It definitely stuck with me (and it was one of the most obvious things someone recognized about me, which I deeply appreciated as an introvert!). But I didn’t understand its potential in this area until I was an adult who had to rely on myself more than ever. They are adults there is do a lot alone. It’s just… growing up.
Relying entirely on myself to get things done naturally led to more alone time. I didn’t have time or energy “try” being an extrovert – and he was no longer interested in it! And knowing how thoroughly I can do it choose It was a wonderful self-discovery of who, when and how I spent my time in general. My independent nature has been a key factor in defeating any urge to be more extroverted than I am.
Now, in my mid-thirties, I still don’t feel like an adult all the time. But if I were to compare myself to myself 15 years ago, the difference is dramatic. Part of that difference comes from realizing how well the natural independence of being an adult suits my introverted personality.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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4. I made big plans (for example, a trip!) alone.
Although this is the topic known go to “Time Alone” or “Independence” I made it separate because travel has played a central role in my life – and realization. I didn’t have to be a “fake” extrovert. And because I love traveller. Like really really i love it
I actually studied abroad in college and taught English overseas for a year after graduating. But until then, I didn’t understand or appreciate how much the trip meant to me I started traveling alone.
On almost every trip—except day trips—that I took while living in Europe in my early twenties, I felt like I needed to have someone with me at all times. I just thought it was you he did Solo travel – what was it? Sure, I traveled alone to get to a destination where I was visiting someone else, but I didn’t take a trip completely alone.
Then two things happened: one, solo travel became a key part of my first full-time job, and the other, in my mid-20s, I spent several days alone at the end of a European trip. And I loved it all of them that. Those experiences made me want to see this I enjoyed traveling alone just like with others.
When I travel with others these days, whether for fun or work, I’ve had fun and made fantastic memories. But solo trips are where I have to rely entirely on myself, making sure I’m having fun and being happy and getting from point A to point B safely. And when to travel aloneI can make my trip as introverted as possible without feeling the need for more extroverted experiences.
5. I started to care less about what other people think.
Last, but certainly not least, I have to give a special nod to that wonderful grown-up moment when you realize you’re doing this not I care what other people think. Both introverts and extroverts experience this. But for introverts, it frees us from all expectations of fitting into the mold of what we “should” be—yes, more extroverted. (Plus, fun fact: Introverts become more and more introverted with age!)
I don’t remember the moment I realized I no longer cared what people thought of me. Maybe when I went on some solo trips, or maybe it was as simple as turning down an invitation to go out somewhere (on a Friday night, no less).
It was probably a combination of a few things, but the feeling strengthened me and helped me embrace it some introverts with extroverted tendencies – and who didn’t need to become more extroverted.
Understanding myself and my introverted personality
I became a “fake” extrovert in my teens and early 20s in part because I didn’t understand that 1) it was more than okay to spend time alone; 2) I don’t demand to others to make me feel good; 3) being a “quieter” person, being an introvert, is not something that needs to be “fixed”; and 4) I love I spend time with myself and actually needed to rechargeboth physically and mentally.
And once I understood these things, I was able to distinguish the true “extroverted introverted” aspects of my personality from what I thought I “should” do. I stopped trying to be more extroverted than I really was and he accepted my personality in all its complexity. And I hope you do too. 
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