Perfectionism is like jet fuel for my anxiety. But what if HSPs can actually make it healthy?
As a highly sensitive person (HSP) and writerPersonally, I deal with the fight against perfectionism at work and in my free time. I often said to myself, “If this article/poem/story is published accurately and without errors, I will be worthy of success and praise from others.”
When I do this, I put a lot of pressure on myself and set my expectations to dizzying heights that can never be reached. This puts a stamp on my anxiety and becomes exhausting, causing more harm than good.
So why am I so confident that I’m perfect?
Perfectionism is a predetermined expectation that we can never make mistakes or be imperfect.
On the contrary, while striving for excellence can help you achieve your goals and stay motivated, perfectionism is the opposite. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism that just it holds you back from producing your best work.
HSPs often find false comfort in perfectionism as a way to control feelings of anxiety and fear. When we don’t allow mistakes to happen and only strive for perfection, it’s easy to feel immune to the unwanted, negative emotions that come with letting ourselves down or letting others down. (And because we’re so empathetic, we not I like to let others down!)
In this article, we’ll discuss how—and why—perfectionism affects us, and how a simple reframing of the pursuit of excellence can help us overcome mistakes and imperfections and achieve great things.
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What is perfectionism like as an HSP?
HSPs are wired to feel deeply. We experience emotions more deeply, be they good or bad.
No wonder HSPs tend to avoid negative emotions at all costs. And the pursuit of perfection seems to help with that. It’s actually the root of perfectionism there is in fear.
As perfectionists, we convince ourselves that anything less than perfect is not good enough and that failure is not an option. And when we fail, we quickly identify ourselves as a failure—by assignment, others will be disappointed in us.
Not only do HSPs feel deeply, we also care deeply about our work – our sense of purpose is important to us. Therefore, it is easy for us to connect our self-worth with our work, the amount of work we do and our abilities. Hence the belief that mistakes made along the way are the result of our “unworthiness”.
Here are some signs that you may be a perfectionist HSP:
- Obsessed with mistakes
- Setting unrealistic standards
- Fear of failure
- You constantly worry about letting others down
- They are trying to control the outcome
- Overthinking and procrastination
Fortunately, when we name the “why” behind what drives our perfectionism, we can better understand how to deal with the emotions it brings up. In order to understand our personal relationship with perfectionism, let’s look at two different types of perfectionism.
2 Different types of perfectionism
What is the root cause of your perfectionism?
It is important to know where you are on this ‘perfectionism spectrum’ as it creates a line between them striving for perfection to please others or because we strive to do our best.
Here we break down perfectionism into two different types:
- Social driven Perfectionists can be very self-critical. They put pressure on themselves because they are afraid of letting others down (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) and because they fear that they will be rejected if they do not meet certain expectations. Their driven goals are highly dependent on gaining the approval of others.
- Self-controlled perfectionists are aware of the high standards they set for themselves. Their actions are based on personal drive—with realistic goals—that allow room for flexibility and adaptation. They are positively motivated, organized and determined in what they want.
While striving for perfection as an end goal is unhealthy, high standards are perfectly reasonable. By understanding the underlying motivation behind your perfectionism, you can decide whether your need for perfectionism is working for you or against you.
If perfectionism is caused by wanting to please others or by hiding behind negative beliefs about ourselves, then perfectionism can do more than harm. So how can we as HSPs reframe perfectionism in a way that helps us strive for excellence? we can feel more motivated and confident to accomplish great things—while letting go of the mistakes along the way?
Below are some helpful tips for recognizing and overcoming perfectionism.
5 tips to fight perfectionism and strive for excellence
1. Look at mistakes in a different light.
Instead of beating yourself up over mistakes and imperfections, see them as opportunities and teaching moments. They are part of the path to success and your goals.
For example, you can try saying the following affirmation to yourself: “I’m excited to be wrong!” This will help you reframe mistakes as signs that you are working hard and getting closer to excellence, rather than signs of failure.
When you allow yourself to create with courageputting in the work and being committed to action—despite making mistakes—you’re one step closer to achieving something you’re really proud of.
Accepting mistakes along the way is just a sign that you’re doing the work you need to do. After all, the easiest way to avoid making mistakes is to do nothing.
2. Don’t be afraid of failure – embrace it.
Yes, failure is scary – but we shouldn’t be afraid of it.
Failure does not make us less than who we are. One way to be less afraid of failure is to be proactive take control of what you can controland letting go of what is out of your control.
For example, at work, you might proactively ask a co-worker or manager for feedback on your latest project to see how you can improve it—rather than waiting for feedback on a performance review.
By proactively asking for feedback, you give yourself room to be proactive in improving your work instead of waiting for approval from others.
3. Set realistic goals and break them down into micro-steps.
If you are a high performing HSP (like many of us are), you can still shoot for the moon—but don’t be afraid to linger among the stars.
If we think about the big picture, we tend to overwork ourselves with the end result being perfect. Instead, try to take smaller, realistic steps toward the end game that can help you reach your goal in a healthier and more practical way.
Another great approach to achieving bigger goals is to break them down into micro-steps – which can help you feel less overwhelmed while you’re working towards bigger (bigger) goals. HSPs tend to prefer single-task work anyway, and this is a similar idea.
For example, if you have a writing assignment until the end of the month, create a weekly outline so you know when each section needs to be completed. Then work on each section without focusing on the final deadline. It’s also a wonderful approach in other areas of your life, such as learning a new skill.
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4. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself grace.
When we experience new things, do meaningful work, and take steps toward achieving great things, we always make mistakes. It’s important to allow yourself grace and forgiveness when mistakes happen—remember, these are lessons, not signs of failure.
Be kind and give yourself space to learn, grow and live in these experiences. You are human after all. You can even write down what you learned from your failures and journal about how to proceed. Also, stepping away from the project sometimes can give us the perspective we’re looking for when we come back to it.
5. Remember: There is no such thing as “perfect”.
In Japanese, the word “kintsukuroi” refers to repairing broken cracks in pottery with gold and understanding that the object is more beautiful because of its imperfection.
Likewise, we must remember that things will never be perfect. And that’s okay! Nothing grows out of the boring nature of perfectionism. We are unique because of the mistakes we make and how we grow from them. So see your cracks and embrace them!
By reframing perfectionism, you can better achieve excellence
Accepting and loving who you are can help you fight perfectionism and strive for excellence instead. By redefining perfectionism, we open ourselves up to achieving excellence.
Where perfectionism tends to hold us back from our greatest potential thanks to fear, the pursuit of excellence gives us the flexibility to make mistakes and failures and the courage to get up and try again.
Embrace the beauty of imperfections as the unique person you are and I guarantee you will flourish in ways unimaginable as you use your HSP traits to your advantage.
Would you like to learn more about yourself as a sensitive person? Tonia Moon Coaching offers 1:1 coaching for highly sensitive people through greater self-awareness. Subscribe for more resources Valid Feelings.
