“An empath is a person who is highly attuned to the feelings and emotions of those around them. Empaths feel what another person feels on a deep emotional level.” ~Leah Campbell
When I learned the word “empath” about ten years ago, it felt like the most amazing relief. I thought to myself, yes, this is me! Finally an explanation as to why people tire me out so much. This is why I was able to read people in an instant and was always there to help, listen or support other people’s crises.
But now I don’t believe that definition anymore.
I’m not an empath anymore.
Am I cured? Or was I not an empath in the first place?
For me, I found a different kind of understanding that liberated the ability to not feel stuck in the empath prison I found myself in it.
I realized that I could change my responses to people’s emotions so that I no longer controlled my life according to them.
When I discovered the concept of empathy, I saw many challenges I had to face: attracting people who are struggling and need my support like moths to a flame; my inability to disengage from the stresses and emotions of other people’s lives and focus on my own; my exhaustion from spending time with people.
I started following the general advice for empaths, but it felt like another cage. I had to organize my life around avoiding “toxic” people, “emotional bloodsuckers”. But I found that even if I covered myself in white light or avoided certain people, it didn’t stop the emotions of my relatives, children, husband or close friends from completely catching up with me on a regular basis.
I felt like I was in constant reaction mode and it was very overwhelming.
A few years later, I discovered another word that changed my life more significantly – comforting.
Calming is a survival response that is activated when emotions or situations are too much for us. Just like the fight, flight, and freeze responses, reassurance is a response to a sense of physical or emotional safety.
I discovered that I learned early on, as many do, that if I knew how to anticipate and support the feelings of those around me, I would feel most secure.
My survival response, which helped me connect as well as possible to the people around me, was to be hypersensitive to their emotions and help them.
When we learn at a young age that feeling safe comes from suppressing our own feelings in order to help others—or at least minimize our emotional needs so we don’t rock the boat, cause a fuss, burden our parents, or draw attention to ourselves—then we spend our adult lives in the same habitual pattern.
We feel safest when we don’t deal with our emotions, but we do with other people’s.
We can derive a sense of belonging, connection and validation from being emotionally available to others, if we are a supporter, a listener, a helper, the recorder.
We can also create a sense of ease, safety and continuity by not expressing our emotions or needs, by not showing our true authentic self.
I know that many times in my life I have felt proud of how helpful I am. What a “good person” I was. How kind and supportive I was. But really, it wasn’t a response driven by honest, authentic desire, but a need for safety, belonging, acceptance, and love.
For me, unlocking my comfort response was a fascinating and challenging experience. It is so ingrained in my being to be the person who comes across as delightful, easygoing, stress-free and drama-free.
Someone who does not add to the emotional burden of any group or person, but helps overcome the problems and challenges of others.
Getting out of these responses required tremendous awareness. I had to learn to manage my emotions, build a sense of security in my nervous system, and show incredible tenderness towards myself.
I had to realize that other people’s emotions can be incredibly scary, uncomfortable, terrifying, and even dangerous for me. And that it doesn’t come naturally to share what I feel and what I need thanks to these survival reactions laid down in my childhood.
But with awareness and the right tools, I learned to gently move towards the path of authenticity and safety, to be myself out there in the world, surrounded by other people’s emotions, but they don’t catch up with me like they used to.
I learned this as it was learned to support people– by fixing things, smoothing things over, helping, taking over, endlessly listening – wasn’t really the kind of emotional support that helps change in them.
True emotional support only happens when we are not present in our survival reactions and never comes at the emotional cost of the other.
My support should never compromise my energy, time or sense of security.
To me, being an empath felt like a life sentence from which I could never escape. But now I know it’s a learned response that can be learned. When we have the awareness and the tools to subtly support the activation of the nervous system that occurs when we are aware of the emotions of others.
Here are some tips to help.
Consciousness
For me, creating awareness was the most powerful first step. We cannot change what we do not notice.
We can start by noticing: How does it feel to be around people or certain people when they are emotional? What is happening to my body? What emotions are activated in me when I hear or witness another person’s emotional activation?
We learn to divert our attention from others and ourselves. What is happening to us?
Do I sense urgency or doom or is it trapped? Do I want to jump right in and help, fix and support? Do you feel like I have to come up with a bunch of ideas to help someone with this? Do I lie on my back at night thinking about other people’s emotional challenges?
When we feel this urgency—that we need to help, support, do something—it’s a good sign that our survival responses have been activated. And our brain sends signals to the body that there is a threat, which, unless there is a real threat to life, is just a pattern to watch out for.
So, when we feel this urgency, the next step is to bring a sense of safety into our bodies so that we can step out of this need to help/fix/support, which is our survival response.
Creating a sense of security of the felt in the body
One way for my nervous system to provide safety is to do orientation exercises when I feel urgent or overwhelmed.
Here’s how to do this orientation exercise.
Start by carefully and slowly looking around and surveying the entire room. Let her gaze slowly drift away. You can gently turn your neck. Take in your entire environment.
If you like, stop at any object that piques your interest, not so much objects, but interesting collections of colors and shapes.
Look up and down slowly. Then behind you. If you have a window, look outside and at the horizon line if you have one.
The horizon line is very calming to the nervous system and our survival reactions.
Knowing what is around us, that there is no danger on the horizon, brings a sense of security to our body.
Do this for a minute or two and then see how it feels in your body.
Do you notice something happening? Change in breathing or sensation?
Allow about ten seconds for your nervous system to absorb the changes and you can go about your day.
This is a fantastic exercise that you can use a few times a day. Only stopping and scanning allows the nervous system to navigate our surroundings and signal safety.
Create a break
My last tip is to create a break. When we’re busy in the world and being asked to do things, it can be hard to remember all the things we need to do.
When people say:
Oh, can you take care of my five kids and eleven animals for a week?
Can you be late for work even if it’s your partner’s birthday?
I know you’re at work, but can I come over and chat? I feel very stressed.
When we’re used to calming down, it’s extremely easy for the nervous system to read these requests as urgent things that need our attention, and “yes” seems to slip out of our mouths before we know it.
That’s why I encourage my clients to focus on building during a break.
When we learn to take a break, we have the opportunity to breathe, pay attention to ourselves, notice, and offer ourselves a regulatory practice such as orientation.
Can we tell if I feel an urge to say yes?
If we feel this urge, it is a sure sign that we are in our survival responses.
I recommend keeping a few phrases handy that we can say when people ask us something, or when we feel the urge to jump in and support/improve/save at the cost of our own capacity, time, needs, or emotions.
Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll think about it and get back to you when I can.
God, feeling stressed sounds hard. Let me think about what I need to do today and get back to you.
By taking a break, we create a new opportunity for ourselves. If nothing is really urgent (ie no one needs to be taken to hospital) then we can sit with ourselves for a few minutes and give ourselves time to see how we feel.
We can ask ourselves:
Do I really want to do this? Or do you have to?
How will this affect me?
Do I have the emotional capacity for this?
By pausing and turning our attention inward, we begin the process of detaching ourselves from other people and their responses and turning instead to our own emotions and needs.
It’s a more connected and mindful relationship with ourselves that we desire most when we are people who comfort us a lot.
About Bird Diana
Diana Bird is a neuro-emotional coach and author who helps people free themselves from overwhelm, panic, and dread and move into calmness and confidence. Sign up for your free emotion processing mini-workshop and get powerful tools, free training and ongoing support to transform your emotional well-being. Take the first step toward lasting emotional change. Diana lives in southern Spain with her two children and her photographer husband.
