“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be their perfect selves, the determination not to twist them into our own image. If we love them, we do not love what they are, but only their possible resemblance to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves that we find in them.” – Thomas Merton
Many of us can relate to the experience of being drawn to another person in a seemingly inexplicable, almost magnetic way. This spark of attraction is sometimes called chemistry, lust, or love at first sight. However we define it, we usually have an intuitive sense of knowing when it is… and when it isn’t. This elusive dance between two people enamored by early love can be intoxicating, enchanting, or even ethereal.
Attraction, intense emotions and staying grounded
It’s all too easy to lose our footing, get lost in intense emotions, and forget to pay attention to the more practical components. healthylasting love in the whirlwind of early romance. After all, the words “practical” and “romantic” don’t usually go together gracefully. When we relinquish our ability to define and enforce our personal attitudes, beliefs, and values, the rock falls into the valley. codependency has begun.
In the early stages of desire, it is especially important to stop in self-reflection and stay in your own values, loveand longing. After all, there are few things more truly romantic than taking honest thought and deliberate action to create a solid foundation for what could very well be. mature love than last a lifetime.
What does interdependence mean in a relationship?
Thus begins the process of building love, which is built on the foundations interdependence. We cannot reasonably expect to seek our own happiness, fulfillment, or sense of purpose from another person. This does not mean that the object of our love and affection cannot be a source of positive qualities. We may even feel as if we are walking on air, experiencing renewed hope and being authentically understood and accepted…perhaps for the first time.
This means that we can walk on air without breaking free and have hope that does not depend on their existence. We can enjoy the wonderful feeling of understanding in a new way without losing our sense of self along the way. Interdependence it involves having a strong sense of self outside of the relationship, healthy participation coping skillsand recognizing the value of vulnerability without compromising personal values.
Interdependence is characterized by a balance between autonomy (the ability to operate independently) and interdependence. Realizing that we influence each other in all interpersonal relationships is key. To assume that our actions, or lack thereof, within a relationship context affect no one but ourselves is clueless at best and narcissistic at worst. When a relationship is based on it interdependenceeach person takes responsibility for their own feelings and behavior.
Properties of interdependent relationships
In addition to recognizing our impact on others and taking responsibility for our own behavior, interdependent relationships features:
- Supporting each other without sacrificing basic needs or priorities
- Listening to feelings openly and without defense
- Encouraging each other’s interests, aspirations and goals
- Respecting differences and actively seeking common ground
- turning towards you are bidding on connection, not distance
- Self-esteem that does not depend on constant reassurance, approval or attention from your partner
- Willingness to express feelings, desires and needs openly and honestly
- Respecting each other’s privacy as it is the basis of mutual trust, honesty and respect
- Manipulation, lack of control and unfounded jealousy
- A mutual sharing of interests, passions and hopes
- Absence of condescending and competitive behavior as it is known that you are on the same team
Recognizing codependency
If you find yourself stuck on the codependent relationshipregardless of what role it plays in the dynamic, it’s important to remember that it takes two people to sustain a relationship…even if it’s an unhealthy one. The first crucial step towards changing the dynamics within or in the current relationship relationship patternawareness. It is essential that you honestly assess your current and past relationship dynamics and what you realistically hope for in the future.
Nobody is “perfect”. Neither you, nor others, nor myself. That’s totally fine… in fact, being aware of our imperfections can be really liberating. A wonderful result of recognizing the inherent lack of perfection in all people is that you can begin to be more honest with yourself and the people you care about. Expressing authenticity takes courage and vulnerabilityand it is natural to feel a certain degree of dread.
Healthy and safe relationships
When you find someone who is safe with their own beautifully lovable and imperfect selves, you may find yourself willing to take the healthy risks necessary to achieve relationship interdependence. This means changing the dynamics of your current relationship or building a foundation with a new partner that allows you to express your relationship. authentic me… and space for them to do the same. In fact, after a few thoughtful, healthy risks, you begin to feel authentically seen and heard in a whole new way.
When a relationship is free entrapmentcontrol and codependency, there is room for everyone to flourish. Think about what qualities you bring to your current relationship or one you want to build in the future. Remember that no one else is responsible for your happiness or self-worth…however, a committedinterdependence allows for a balance of freedom and connectedness that naturally leads to increased joy, purpose, and meaning.
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Featured image: Locked up by Chris Richmond / CC BY NC-ND-2.0
