“Now women are looking for something to add.”
As Joan was quick to point out, “not everyone starts a romantic relationship and then moves on to being single as a Plan B.” It is a perspective that is becoming more common, so much so that the sociologist Bella DePaulo, PhDbuilt a framework (and wrote a book) about it: existence Single at heart. These are women (including her) who don’t end up alone; they are oriented towards it as a real preference.
“I still smile when I think about the men I dated when I was young,” says Dr. DePaulo, 72. “But I remember even more fondly how I felt when each relationship ended: I was finally free.”
The practical benefits of being single – loneliness, strong friendshipsless relationship stressors – not exclusive to unmarried people. “But in my opinion, couples are never free the way singles are,” says Dr. DePaulo. The difference, he argues, is psychological: the ability to construct a day, a life, or a passing thought without reflexively considering another person’s needs or reactions. “A romantic partner is almost always on your mind,” Dr. DePaulo points out—even if only peripherally. “That can be comforting for some people. But it can also feel a little uncomfortable, like they’re always considering what the other person wants or feels.” Remove that and your attention and energy will be all your own.
The ability, of course choose this lifestyle is relatively new. For centuries, marriage wasn’t just a matter of romance—women relied on it for financial stability, social acceptance, and a sanctified path to family. Chris Marsh, PhDsociologist and author The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Alone in the Black Middle Classsays SELF. But with greater access to education, careers, and economic independence (along with broader definitions of intimacy, family, and fulfillment), relationship pressures have eased. In 2023, 42% of US adults were not in a cohabiting relationship Pew Research Center (compared to 29% in 1990). And among those younger than 50 who are not dating half don’t care in a relationship – although enjoying your single status doesn’t have to come with an anti-love attitude.
