When it comes to that green flags in dating, “ambition” is almost always near the top. For many of us, the word conjures up a particular archetype—someone with a good career, a six-figure salary, and a LinkedIn profile like a highlight reel of promotions.
Ambition, momentum, success – these are all valuable qualities in our partners and in us. The problem, however, is that these qualities have been smoothed over into something far more superficial and imprecise, relationship experts warn. “Ambition is defined as ‘Does this person make enough money?’ changed to shorthand. Keisha Saunders-Waldron, LCMHCSan Ohio-based therapist specializing in relationship dynamics tells SELF. “When it really comes down to whether you’re growing and living on purpose…or just drifting through life on autopilot.”
In her 20 years of practice, Saunders-Waldron says she’s seen this misconception sabotage relationships. “I’ve worked with a lot of couples where one person is ‘ambitious’ on paper, but completely self-made and lazy at home,” she says. “I’ve also seen the reverse—the rejection of partners who aren’t corporate climbers but are deeply committed to raising children thoughtfully, building community, learning new skills”—variations that count for much more than a pay raise and a college degree.
So what’s up not lack of ambition? Here are the biggest red flags to look out for.
1. They show little interest in personal development.
“Ambition is about growth, not just results,” says Saunders-Waldron — meaning it’s less about what they’ve already achieved and more about whether they strive to be better.
Maybe they started going to therapy consistently after a tough breakup in the past, or they learned to cook on their own (even if their chicken piccata still needs a fix…and more seasoning). According to Saunders-Waldron, “a person who invests in their own development—even if it has nothing to do with their career—will be a much better partner than someone chasing a promotion who hasn’t done any emotional work in their adult life.”
2. They talk about change but don’t act.
Anyone can will change jobs, move to a new city or run a marathon. But ambition is what bridges the gap between intention and action.
This explains why those who lack it remain in chronic passivity. “It’s that mindset of, ‘Oh, I’ll get to it.’ “I’m working on it” Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFTfounder of Sagebrush Psychotherapy in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “They’re waiting for things to happen that instead of taking the initiative themselves.” So they are will you save money… but you don’t change your spending budget. Those hope being healthier… but refusing to cook at home or go for a walk outside. Essentially, “there’s no action,” says Bogdanovic. “No tracking.”
