2. Ask for what you want, show it blank.
In some situations, the problem is not physical or logistical. It’s that the sex you’re having is just… not that great.
“If you’re in a relationship or marriage where sex isn’t exciting, of course you don’t want to do it.” Tammy Nelson, PhDa 63-year-old AASECT-certified sex therapist, also speaking from personal experience, tells SELF. “It’s like, if the party isn’t fun, why go?”
However, one of the many benefits of getting older is acquiring a kind of bluntness that your younger self probably shied away from. “At a certain point, you just don’t care,” one 64-year-old woman, who spoke on condition of anonymity, tells SELF. When you realize that life is too short, you stop worrying so much about how your body looks in certain lighting, how you sound when you climax, and whether you have “too many” breakouts.
“Once I was very ashamed to bring it up BDSM-to spank, to suffocate. You don’t want to scare someone or judge them,” she says. But after years of what she calls “vanilla sex,” she discovered a game-changing truth: It pays to speak up. “I had my first real orgasm at 61 – one I didn’t have to fake.”
3. Find out what drives you wild.
You don’t need a partner to achieve mind-blowing climax. The women SELF spoke to said their 50s and 60s were turning points in figuring out what made them tick—where they enjoyed being touched, what stimulation worked, what fantasies turned them on—all thanks to masturbation.
“Now I feel freer to explore my body” Shay Martin63 years old, owner of Vibratex (a Magic wand sex toy brand), says SELF. “When I was younger, I used my hands manually, but there are a lot of devices (vibrators, anal toys, cock rings, nipple clamps) that help you achieve an orgasm on your own, which is much more intense and lasts longer.”
