“Being a people pleaser can be more than a personality trait; it can be a response to severe trauma.” ~Alex Bachert
I grew up in a home, school, and church where good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment were very important, so I was a model child. It could have been an American Girl doll designed after me – the well-mannered church girl with a nineties hair bow edition.
I was quiet and pleasant and never got sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and “nasty” emotions were simply not allowed. Although I was very violent and “rebellious” as a small child, by the time I was in school, all of this had cleared from my personality.
I had no choice. I didn’t feel safe in my body at the slightest hint that someone was upset with me. It was enough to tame my inner rebel, at least for many years.
I carried this pattern into adulthood. I’ve worked with supervisors who took off at every opportunity. I worked extra hard, more than anyone else, to stay out of trouble. When my colleagues were yelled at for their mistakes, they laughed in amusement – but when the anger was directed at me, I was filled with anxiety.
How my coworkers were able to brush off our manager’s anger, but I he felt provoked for hours afterwards?
It took me many years to learn the answer—that some of us develop from a young age a deep-rooted fear of losing the sense of belonging and security in our relationships. To cope with this fear, we develop strategies to protect ourselves, which for some people becomes a habit of people-pleasing.
People pleasers have one clear common denominator: a sense of commitment to others. You put your own needs last and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. You are hypersensitive to being judged, shamed and rejected. You worry about what other people think of you. You go out of your way to be helpful. When you dare to stand up for yourself, you are plagued with anxiety and guilt.
If you don’t address and change these patterns, you can end up feeling resentful, frustrated, and angry. This compromises your emotional and physical well-being and contributes to an overwhelming sense of helplessness.
And it lights a blazing fire under your ass.
Because we are not responsible for juggling other people’s emotions.
We owe no one consolation.
We are not a charitable repository for other people’s emotional venting, unhealed trauma, or misdirected anger.
Our time, energy and well-being are not suitable for negotiations.
And we don’t deserve guilt tripping manipulation.
Honestly, we can’t control how others show up in our relationships, but we can change our patterns of helplessness, take back our lives, and it doesn’t have to compromise our desire to care for others.
Brain Ruts
It’s no mystery what you should be doing instead of carrying the burden of responsibility that comes with being a people pleaser.
I have to set boundariestell the truth, be more confrontational, use your voice to defend yourself, separate your feelings from others and put your needs first.
This begs the question – what is standing in the way of taking these steps?
Although you may feel that you need to change your patterns through sheer willpower or greater self-discipline, this is not the answer.
You don’t need to read useless books about how to “grab life by the horns” or “grow big balls” (oh, gross!).
You don’t have to muscle through debilitating anxiety or guilt.
You don’t have to give up your generosity or empathy to take back your power in one-sided relationships.
You don’t have to be “thicker-skinned” or less “sensitive.” (Your sensitivity is a gift.)
Here’s the little-known truth about people-pleasing—it’s a learned pattern that “turns on” in your subconscious over and over again.
Whether it’s avoiding conflict, freezing up when you need to tell the truth, or feeling guilty, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. And every survival strategy is a set automated behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that are repeatedly engaged unconsciously.
In a way, you can’t completely control how your people-pleasing habits appear. This is why “trying harder” doesn’t work because you can’t beat the speed at which your unconscious mind switches to patterns.
Ninety percent of our appearance in life is unconscious and based on our past. The brain needs to conserve energy, so it automates its decisions, behaviors and feelings. Think of your bad habits like brain spasms.
Every time a people pleaser Habit sets in, your brain follows the same neural pathway, deepening the furrows, similar to how a dirt road naturally forms over time if you keep walking on grass.
This well-worn path seems safer and easier than walking through the wild, unruly grass that feels unfamiliar, dangerous, and risky—you fear being judged, shamed, or rejected out there. Just the thought of confronting your evil mother-in-law relieves anxiety.
But you’ve reached the point where you long to be in the wild grass. It represents the life you could be living – taking up space, effortlessly putting your needs first, enjoying your pleasures, and feeling wonderful in your emotional well-being.
So how do you jump into the metaphorical grassy fieldhell yeah” life?
By planting new seeds in your unconscious mind and watering them regularly.
Planting seeds
If people-pleasing was no longer a problem for you, what would be possible in your life?
Imagine a scenario where you have already reconfigured the pathways of your unconscious and you feel exactly the way you want it to appear exactly the way you want it to appear and it’s just easily. Confident, strong and unapologetic.
Whose rules would you quit?
What barbed wire borders would you set up?
Whose misdirected emotions would you feel bulletproof against?
What responsibilities would you shamelessly abdicate?
What indulgence would you indulge yourself in?
What truths would come out of your mouth? (Truths so electric you feel like you might explode if you don’t say them now!)
There’s a reason why fantasizing about our ideal life is so intoxicating. We are hardwired to “believe” what we imagine because part of our brain does not know the difference between reality and imagination. It’s the same reason we’re emotionally drawn to TV and movies. You know that’s acting, right?
When the critical-thinking part of your mind quiets down—as it does when you get wrapped up in a good story—you access your unconscious, where all habits are formed. This is where we are best swayed, influenced and sold ideas.
To break out of the people-pleasing brain rut, you need to plant seeds in your unconscious mind to “influence” yourself to show up in your life the way you want. Complete with repetition, these cores help build new neural pathways, allowing you to be your best self at home, at work, and in the community.
One of the most effective ways to plant seeds is through visualization while in a deeply relaxed state of mind. Here are some tips to get you started.
Start in the right mindset
Visualization works best when you feel relaxed and calm in your body. If you are actively triggered, control your emotions before you start visualizing.
One quick and easy way to do this is to combine the breathing exercise by stimulating the acupressure points on your wrists. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take a big breath in, hold it at the top of the inhale for a few seconds, then exhale twice as long. Repeat two or three times. When you’re comfortable and grounded, find a quiet place without interruptions to focus and go inward.
Be specific
The brain works in a very specific, finite way. If you want to be a badass who lives life on your terms, what exactly does that look like? Imagine yourself in specific places, performing specific actions, and feeling a certain way about it. Focus on actions like telling the truth, confronting people, being assertive, setting boundaries, etc.
Repetition counts
Your mind needs enough new information about who you want to be to generalize the changes in your life. You don’t have to visualize for a long time – two or three minutes at a time is enough, but make it part of your routine. Try to start a few times a week.
Water the Seeds
Take real life actions that support the person you are becoming. Your brain and nervous system are always learning and adapting when presented in new ways. It’s like proving it to yourself yes i can do it. Start with small steps. Choose the places where you want to put yourself forward and practice your voice to speak for yourself. Be persistent in doing this work – the confidence and courage you desire will naturally emerge.
About Krissy Loveman
Krissy Loveman is a Life Coach with knowledge of neuroscience. It works with the conscious and unconscious mind to create deep, lasting change. Catch him free toolkit to start your inner working journey.
