People often say to me, “You’re not introverted enough to be an introvert.” But here’s why they’re wrong.
Some people seem to think I’m not “introverted enough” – they tilt their heads, raise their eyebrows, and give a quick, incredulous “What?!” All of this is a response to what I consider to be a simple statement of fact: “I am one.” introvert.”
Obviously, because I was seen in public after dark – among other things – I don’t answer.
This got me thinking – what exactly do people think of when they hear the word “introvert”? And why is it that putting my face next to their definition creates dissonance for them? Maybe I’m an “extroverted” introvert or a little an outgoing. But anyway, why does the label matter to others?
How people define introverts
In my experience, when people hear the word ‘introvert’, they actually hear a range of other terms: shy, lonely, rude/outgoing, boring, quietand the list goes on…
Looking at these “definitions”, if this is how people “measure” being an introvert, I can see why I don’t fit their mental model. Besides, the truth is introverts are often misunderstood — just because we might be quiet, doesn’t mean we don’t have much to say (if we think about it beforehand, of course!).
Here are some ways I don’t fit the stereotypical introvert prototype:
- I’m far from shy. Yes, I go up to complete strangers and start talking. And one of my favorite things to do these days is to make friends on social media. (Because you know it is social media!) I was in plays in high school, I was on the quiz team, I participated in talent shows, I played team sports in college, and then I started my career as a lawyer. And my current career as a life coach means that we deal with people on a daily basis. So, yes, these are all people-dependent things.
- No, I’m not a (complete) hermit. In my day, I was known to be the life and soul of the party as the “last man standing” when the lights came on. I welcome lunches and dinners at my home. Invite me to something – and I’ll show up. (I even bring a present.) Moreover, even if I were to isolate myself completely, that would be impossible: I am married and have three adult children. Since we all live in the same house, I can’t even remember the last time I was alone!
- The term “boring” is simply offensive. I love trivia – I soak up random facts and information like garlic bread soaks up marinara sauce. Which means I’d like to think I’m pretty good at my end of the conversation. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but boring? Discard the thought!
- The jury is still out on the rough/miss part. I like to think that I am an eternal student of the art of wit. (Some take it as sarcasm and it rubs them the wrong way; we can agree to disagree.) But what I can say unequivocally is that kindness is the default, and I would never intentionally be rude or standing up to someone. Even if they were rude to me at first. (That’s just not how I roll.)
Reading all this makes me feel like I’m making a case for why I am notyou’re not an introvert, are you?
Bad.
None of these necessarily make someone an introvert. But I will share with you what makes me so.
4 key things that make me an introvert
1. I may not be shy, but I’m still a private person.
Many people confuse shyness with introversion – and vice versa. But these are two different things. Introverts are born introvertsand they get their energy from being alone, but shy people aren’t necessarily born shy – and they can to defeat (albeit with a lot of practice).
So, yes, as an introvert, I can’t be front and center, which is not the case with most introverts. But when I participate in this way, it’s all about the other person (I don’t give of myself or expend energy). Second, with things like actingand even through litigation, I can try many different people. I’ll say it again, I’m not giving up.
All in all, I’m basically a very private person unless I get to know you really well (or feel extremely comfortable with you). Only then will you enter my inner sanctum.
It’s this deep need and respect for my privacy that I think makes me an introvert. I will talk more about this in my next point…
2. Yes, I am sociable – but with one caveat.
Parties, lunches and dinners? No problem… but only with family and close friends, those in my “inner circle” who “get it”.. If these people invite me somewhere, I will definitely go. Anyone else? I need to check my social battery and see if I have the energy for ‘people’. If not, it’s a difficult pass.
Also, when I spend time with my “people”, I need to take time for myself to recharge afterwards. Too many people cause an “introvert hangover.” – exhausts me, I struggle with compassion fatigue and am generally low-tempered.
Other than that, as much as I can get out and do everything, I basically prefer a calmer, less stimulating environment. I’d rather have coffee with a friend and to have a deep, meaningful conversation like at a cocktail party with several people.
The need to recharge – and the preference for a calmer environment – is what makes me an introvert.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
40% discount For introverts, Dear Readers. Use the code TRUST at the checkout.
Click here to purchase the guide.
3. I do better when I have time alone.
Like I said, people, even the ones I love, are exhausting to me. It takes me a while to refill my glass so I can be there for everyone else again. This is definitely introverted territory.
And what I spend alone, I like to schedule. Otherwise, it’s too easy to procrastinate or you can’t get enough of it. An introverted sanctuary could come in handy to do this, designate a room – or an area of your house – just for you and your alone time. You can top it up as you like and read, nap, and do anything that relaxes and recharges you.
4. I can seem non-stop or rude (but not on purpose).
Yes, if you catch me when my battery is deadand somehow you insist that we engage (because I’m too polite to tell you to leave), I may have come to it so suddenly. And I can see how that would be interpreted as rude or rude.
Besides, if you call without warning, I won’t answer. And I’d rather answer with a text than a call. I guess some people might consider these behaviors to be rude. (But the phone is usually not the introvert’s friend!)
For me, energy conservation is necessary to keep my limited social battery going as far as possible. And this is an uninvited invasion of personal space. I honestly feel like you just show up at someone’s front door and invite yourself to lunch.
I’m not very good at it. Because you know, we introverts love our privacy and being alone.
Introverts come in all shapes and sizes
Being an introvert has nothing to do with what the world sees. Or the perception of what an introvert should be. The truth is that an introvert doesn’t have a certain “way” they “should” look at.
It all has to do with the daily internal process they have to go through to be able to present themselves as the world sees them. This is the process I you need to heal from being the person the world sees you to be.
But since most people only see the public side, I can see why they don’t think I’m an introvert. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I am.
My fellow introverts, have people mistaken you for an extrovert? And how? Feel free to share it in the comments! 
You might also like:
This article contains affiliate links. We only recommend products that we truly believe in.
