My dad’s best conversation advice was also the weirdest — but perfect for quiet introverts.
I have to admit:
I’ve never read it Harry Potter.
I’ve only heard a handful of Taylor Swift songs.
And I’ve never watched a single episode The Kardashians.
I’ve always been like that. For some reason, the more popular something is, the less I want to participate in it. As a teenager and into my 20s, this tendency hurt my social life because I never wanted to watch shows or listen to music that everyone else was talking about.
As am I got olderit matters less. I found people who love the same thing as me. But I also changed my stubborn attitude a bit, because I saw that knowing a little about certain things can be valuable for a very specific reason: not necessarily because like this into them, but because there is something to talk about.
Yes, you read that right.
I’m talking about intentionally going out of your way to learn a little about a new topic, watch a popular movie, or listen to some new songs—mostly so you can talk about it at work or with others. school.
Advice I Got From My Introverted Dad
This idea comes from my father.
If you subscribe to my newsletterhe read that we buried his ashes last week. He died suddenly last summer during my cancer treatment and it was devastating. I wrote about it I experience PTSD due to some very difficult eventsincluding my father’s death and approx why mental health really matters for introverts.
But when I finally stopped crying, I took some time to think about who my father was.
my father Steve Grannemanit was your classic introvert. He was the kind of person who would drive hours to attend the family party just sitting quietly at a table.
Like the kidmost of my memories with my father are just us being in the same room together. To hang out. Not chat. It just exists.
It was nice.
When I started writing a book about how introverted I am, shyand socially anxious people know exactly what to say in a conversation and can be less drainedmy father read my source material.
“I wish I had read something like this when I was younger,” she said.
Why was he watching football anyway?
Once when the teen-ageI noticed something strange about my father. He always went to the football game, despite being a bookish chemist and history buff who never played sports.
I asked him why he watched it if he wasn’t that into it.
“It gives me something to talk about at work tomorrow,” he said simply.
At the time, I thought this was ridiculous, time-wasting advice. Why watch a silly football game just so you can chat frivolously in the lab tomorrow?
But now, as an adult who is often forced into situations where I have to do “frivolous” chatter, I see what he meant. And now I realize how smart my dad was to do that.
Study a little with purpose
Like my father, you may feel the same way you do there is never anything to talk about. Maybe, like me, you’ve always avoided what was “popular” and “mainstream” just because.
This is where intentionally reading or studying or watching or experiencing something new can help. There’s something to talk about. You don’t necessarily have to listen to Taylor Swift’s entire new album — but you might listen to a song or two just to see what all the buzz is about.
Or maybe it’s any movie, book, show, article, or experience that’s different from what you’re used to—with the idea of sharing your thoughts and opinions about it with others.
You don’t have to change who you are
With that said, remember: you don’t have to change who you are to be a better conversationalist.
Don’t change if it goes against your deepest values and beliefs. Sometimes it makes sense to progress in things that don’t really matter to you and don’t require much effort. But there will always be parts of the social world that just don’t suit you, no matter how practical it may seem.
Like my dad, you can follow enough sports to talk about. Or you can decide it’s not worth the time and skip it – even if it means dealing with a few people awkward moments.
How to bring it up without sounding like a robot
Okay, let’s say you went out of your way to read an article about black holes so you have something interesting to talk about.
How do you bring this up without lecturing or sprinkling random facts into the conversation? How do you turn this into an emotional connection with the other person?
This is where the “Share, then ask” strategy comes into play.
Instead of awkwardly dropping a random fact into the conversation, use a simple bridge that invites the other person.
The formula is:
“I just (read/watched/listened to) something crazy about (topic)… I realized (personal perception/connection)… What do you think about it?”
Sharing your personal takeaway shows that you really think about the material, not just repeating it like a textbook.
The “Share, then ask” strategy
Here’s the strategy in action, step by step:
1. State the interesting information succinctly!
Focus on the emotional or surprising element rather than the clinical facts.
Example: “I read an article about black holes and it seems that time may actually move differently near them because the gravity is so intense.”
2. Make the connection.
Explain your personal reaction, a real-life relationship, or how it changed your perspective. This prevents it from looking like a textbook.
Example: “It made me realize how strange it is that we go about as if time were a simple, fixed thing, when apparently the universe is much stranger than that. It made my daily schedule seem very small.”
3. Submit it.
Pass the conversational baton with an open-ended question that conveys an opinion, similar experiences, or worldview.
Example: “Have you ever thought about space exploration like this, or does it just make your brain hurt?”
Here are some additional tips:
Keep the “share” under a minute. It’s a bridge, not a show. Keep the setup short so the other person doesn’t lose interest.
Avoid “book report” questions. Don’t ask probing questions like, “Have you seen that show?” Instead, ask topic-based questions like, “Do you think you would have made the same choice in this situation?” or “Have you ever been in this situation?”
Validate their answer. When they speak, don’t just wait for them to speak. Validate their answer before moving on to another topic.
For example, if they say, “Honestly, space stuff makes me kind of anxious,” you could say, “I get it. It’s interesting, but it can make everything seem a little overwhelming. I guess that’s why I can only read about it in small doses.”
This is what makes a conversation a connection rather than a performance.
You can be quiet and loved
I imagine my dad, who I miss a lot, will say something like that in the lab on Monday.
He probably stayed quiet most of the day as he mixed veterinary medicine. But I bet there was a moment when it flashed, just a little bit.
“Did you watch last night’s game?” would say. “I can’t believe it…”
Although he was a quiet introvert, many people came to his funeral. Several of them pulled me aside to tell me about funny things they did as kids or stories that revealed a side of my father that I had never experienced myself.
This is something I will never forget.
You can be quiet and many people love you deeply.
They are not opposites.
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