Since introverts take longer to open up, consistent play dates give the introverted child more chances to bond with their friend.
When it comes to parenting, dating is par for the course—no matter what you are an introverted parentyour child is an introvert, or both. But while extroverted kids want dates full of friends and non-stop action, it’s a different story if you have an introverted kid.
After all, they’ll probably appreciate more introverted activities, like something more subdued (and quiet) and playing with a close friend or two. If you need some tips, here are some things to keep in mind when planning your playtime an introverted child.
9 things to do when planning a date for your introverted child
1. Examine the reasons for planning playtime.
This person may feel like a great negligence. The kids have dates. We want our children to have fun experiences with their peers. We may notice that our introverted child doesn’t have (many) friends, and we want to help them.
However, before you go ahead and plan a play date for your introverted child, think about the reasons for this and make sure that your child would really appreciate it.
Too often introverted kids are pressured into friendships or given messages that their introversion is not acceptable – as an introvert, I know I got these messages as a child. I spent most of my adult life thinking that my introversion was one of my weaknesses. Sad, right?
Don’t make your child feel this way. These types of messages are not only harmful to the child’s self-esteemthey can still backfire and make them more nervous about reaching out. So number one, whatever you do, don’t plan playdates to change your child or because you feel bad about not having friends.
2. Follow your child’s lead – let him theirs preferences are the focus, not yours.
Despite recognizing the harmful messages my younger introverted self received, I find myself worrying (sometimes unnecessarily) about my introverted child’s social life. Do they have enough friends? Do other kids like it? Most of all: happy?
Here’s how I sort through my inner mess introversion shame and my true concern for my children: I follow their example. Ask questions and most importantly, let go theirs emotions and preferences are the focus, not your own.
3. Help your child express his wants and needs.
Some children, especially younger ones, need help communicating their desires. They may already be getting messages about what their introversion means. They can be companions or teachers comment on their commitment (or lack thereof). So help them understand.
I think it helps to present a range of options:
- “Some children like many friends, some like one or two, others prefer to spend time only with family. What do you like?”
- “Sometimes school seems overwhelming with so many other kids, how do you feel at school?”
- “Some people need more alone time or quiet than others, and that’s okay. What do you think you need?”
By asking questions like these, you can better determine what your introverted child wants—and needs.
4. Help them figure out what type of friends are best for them.
Does your child already have a friend? Awesome! Or does your little muffin need some help branching out a bit? After following my child’s example, I saw that behind his statements of “not wanting friends” was a deeper insecurity about feeling overwhelmed at school and not knowing how to approach others. He needed some support.
Some introverted kids do best when paired with extroverted friends to break the ice. Others do best with a similarly matched temperament. Find what works for your child. Ask their teacher if there is anyone in the class you are attracted to or share your interests with. And, let’s be honest, it’s always a plus to plan a date with a kid whose parents enjoy sipping coffee with!
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Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
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5. Plan the time and place, preferably a place that is low-key.
Make your budding friendship a success with a relatively short playing time don’t over schedule them. Also consider your child’s need to recharge by setting aside some time before and after the playdate.
Obviously, schedule times when your child is at his best, not cranky, tired, or hungry. I tend to think that places where two friends can simply be together are better than a park (where there are more kids around).
Reducing stimulation allows them to focus on social engagement. If your child is the more introverted child, consider hosting a game day at your homewhere your child feels most comfortable.
6. Organize high interest (but not overly stimulating) activities.
Help your child choose an activity that both he and his friend will enjoy. Depending on the age of the children, discuss with the other parent where they can find common ground. Do you like Pokemon? Ask the other parent to wrap the Pokemon cards. Do you like to bake? Maybe they can decorate the cupcakes together. Perhaps a board game or craft project would pique their interest.
The bottom line is that kids like the activities, but they don’t too exhausting things.
7. Balancing parental supervision with opportunities for independence.
As a parent, it can be tempting to take over a play date and facilitate (enforce) the friendship. It can be a fine line to support children getting to know each other (especially if they are both introverts) and let them develop skills and move at their own pace.
My goal is to set the stage for success then slowly pass it on to the children. For my little elementary school aged child, this meant starting a board game and running it through once before leaving them alone. For other children, it might be showing two or three activity options to give them ideas and then letting them go at it. It really depends on the age, the personality of the kids and the chemistry of the friendship.
8. Consistency is key – it will probably take time for your introverted child to bond with his friend.
Friends may or may not hit it off. And things are not always what they seem.
When my son first started dating his boyfriend, neither of them said a word the entire time! It looked like maybe they weren’t enjoying themselves. However, my son assured me that he had a great time and would like another date. It just needed more time to open up.
Consistent play dates and bonding opportunities give our introverted kids time to feel comfortable enough to begin forming friendships.
9. Accept and process the result.
Not all dates end in magical friendships—and that’s okay. Maybe the two are not meant for each other and you should try with another child. Your child may feel overwhelmed and is not ready to form this type of bond.
Maybe the playdates, though do it turns into a beautiful childhood friendship. Whatever the outcome, talk to your child about your feelings and validate your experience. This will only help you both in the long run. 
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