As an introvert, it’s crucial to know the “why” behind your boundaries — like staying in on Friday night to have energy for the weekend.
Setting boundaries is a challenge in itself. Letting go of people’s reactions to those boundaries is a whole different beast. So why is it so hard, especially as an introvert?
Well, for one thing, we’re probably not as confident in ourselves as introverts. Often a we need to set boundaries as introverts feels counter-cultural. We don’t live in a society that necessarily promotes introversion. It also conveys many subliminal and perhaps less subtle messages to us it should beor acts in a manner contrary to we try to set boundariessuch as weekends or especially Friday nights. Like when all co-worker, everywhere on Friday at 5 p.m. asks, “So, do you have any exciting plans for this weekend? What are you doing tonight?” Ahhh…
So how do you do it? How can you get to the point where, as an introvert, you can confidently let go of other people’s expectations and reactions to your boundaries? Well, I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer, but here are five helpful tips I’ve picked up on my journey that will make it a lot easier.
5 ways to be more confident in your boundaries as an introvert
1. Build your confidence as an introvert first.
The best place to start is with yourself. Being confident as an introvert you may need to work on it. I know it was for me, mostly me married an extrovert who comes with a rather large family of extroverted companions. Understanding that being different doesn’t mean less – it makes all the difference.
To do this, take the time to get to know yourself and learn to use your strengths. Introverts have a lot of positive qualities – like being good listeners, empathizing with others, and giving others space (well, maybe we give ourselves space, but it goes both ways!). So it really takes a lot of work when we try increase your confidence.
One of the most important tips is not to criticize yourself for what you are not. I spent so many years berating myself for not being talkative enough, or not speaking up in social situations, or not being “cool” and leading the pack. But when I let go of this negative self-talk, I was freed to embrace all of my good qualities. Everyone doesn’t need to be in the limelight, be the loudest, or show up at every social event within a 20 mile radius.
2. Get to know the “why” behind your boundaries.
If you want to set a boundary, it’s important to understand why. This may seem obvious, but sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves and start following everything how to and the 10 best ways advice on the internet (clearly this article aside) and we do a lot of things simply because someone else he said he should.
But you know yours why it gives you the confidence and determination to stick to that line when it’s hard. If you understand why you are doing it and the outcome is sufficiently valuable to you, it will be easier to resist the pushback.
Still, if you only set a limit around staying in on Friday night because a Girl’s Night In they said in the newsletter, well then there’s a pretty good chance you’ll sink when your besties call you from the bar at 9:30 p.m. After all, it isn’t that late, right? (Yes, it is anyway. Get some sleep, my fellow introvert!)
However, if you know you’re only going to go to a border one Friday night a month—because if you stay in all the other Friday nights, you’ll be rested enough to enjoy the weekend—it’ll be a lot easier to turn off your phone and not even take late-night calls from anyone.
3. Communicate your “why” as well as your limit.
I don’t think all boundaries need to be communicated. Like when I limit myself to eating only one chocolate bar a day instead of three or four bars, I probably don’t need to announce this to the world. But it might help if I tell my husband not to buy me chocolate when I already set that limit before Valentine’s Day.
However, if the boundary applies to or affects certain people in your life, it is often very helpful to communicate that boundary to them. For example, our example of your extroverted best friend who wants you to go out with her every Friday night. It would be nice to sit down with him and talk about how you won’t be “living” every weekend. Thee, it’s perfectly normal to stay inside – and that’s okay.
It is the most important part of communication your boundary with someone is to communicate your boundaries Why. It’s one thing to tell someone you can or can’t do something with (or for) them. It’s another thing to explain why and what it means to you. This gives them a chance to get to know you while also giving them a chance to provide support in the relationship.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later you think I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
40% discount For introverts, Dear Readers. Use the code TRUST at the checkout.
Click here to purchase the guide.
4. Remember that other people’s reactions not about you.
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned about setting boundaries and letting go of other people’s opinions is that their reactions not about you. This is usually just a foreshadowing of something they have to deal with. And it’s possible that setting a boundary triggered something that caused them to become negative or not accept the boundary.
For most of us, our knee-jerk reaction is to they say “no” you always have to push back. Why? Because we are human and we never enjoy being told no. We all have that inner child who melts at being told no, even if it’s in our own best interest. An example is my almost two-year-old son, who won’t stop climbing on the coffee table and hurts himself several times, but still he throws a fit when I tell him to get off. I don’t enjoy fitting in, but I still hold that boundary because I know it’s good for him.
And when we keep boundaries with others, we do so because it’s good for us, which is ultimately good for everyone else. We all benefit from allowing ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. And this version usually requires boundaries in some form.
5. Don’t compare yourself to others. (I mean it!)
Your worth doesn’t come from external validation, as good as it feels. Your best, happiest and most successful self comes from within. And those who truly love and care about you will want to respect your boundaries and give you that support you need to grow and thrive—as an introvert and as a fellow human being.
So don’t compare yourself, even to other introverts. Self-confidence does not manifest itself in everyone in the same way. And we all need different boundaries. Assertively holding a boundary with my four-year-old will look different to me than asserting a boundary with your boss (well, hopefully). And we all learn to let go in different ways. Comparing yourself to others is pointless and only holds you back.
Remember, the next time you struggle with setting boundaries, remind yourself why you set them in the first place and how valuable the outcome is to your well-being. And if you need help, just imagine my two year old throwing a fit when I pull it off the coffee table for the 327th time today. You can do this. 
