The number one way to befriend an introvert? Never call them.
While introverts may run around in the shadows and appear shy, quietor even mysterious (let’s make that the new stereotype, shall we?), it turns out that they’re actually quite normal. Yes, we communicate and express ourselves differently than extroverts – or so we can say extroverts have different ways of communicating and express themselves like us introverts.
So how do the two worlds meet? How extroverts walk “Well” the introvert and befriend them? Let me introduce you to the only introvert’s guide you’ll ever need to befriend one of our rare, mystical members. Print it out, put it in your pocket, refer to it often (and thank me later).
Now, without further ado, here are some contradictions how to befriend an introvert.
4 contradictory ways to make friends with introverts
1. Don’t call them on the phone.
I know that for extroverts it doesn’t necessarily make sense not to call. But please, if you want to befriend an introvert, don’t call them. We really value our alone time and the last thing we want is a call to interrupt, “Hey, do you want to have lunch in 30 minutes?” Plus, we are not usually phone callersand we don’t like surprises (the ringing phone) or spontaneous plans. Sending an SMS or email is a much safer solution.
The thing is, when we’re at home, it’s our safe place – we can lock our doors, we can enter the an introverted sanctuaryand tune in to the rest of the world.
We finally come out of hiding, but you will be much closer to friendship if you don’t invite us for an impromptu lunch or outing. We are usually happy to go if the idea has sunk in, it can be scheduled according to our terms, and we have time to prepare for it: It will be introvert-friendly? Who will be there? What is my escape plan? And so on…
2. Extroverts, feel free to take an introvert under your wing.
Is there a more awkward moment than a pregnant pause during small talk with someone you just met? No, no, there isn’t. Horrible. creepy. Fight, flight, or a full blown panic attack occurs.
In order to comfortably navigate the people where we are, we want a brave, confident, preferably good-humored extrovert to lead the way and swing the proverbial machete through the crowded jungle. We thrive on machete’s ever-widening footprint—especially when it comes to a topic we’re passionate about.
An extrovert who takes us under their wing works well for us introverts because you have effectively eliminated all perceived barriers to public engagement. You expressed an interest in us as fellow human beings without proving our “worth” to you. And you’ve demonstrated your ability to add conversational grace to an interaction, relieving the anxiety of having to fill silences where we may feel obligated to reveal more personal details about ourselves. (To complete strangers? And in a large group of people? No thanks!)
Extroverts, you also like to make decisions, it takes the pressure off me to think of a decision that pleases everyone. (And it would also draw unwanted attention to me, so…)
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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Click here to purchase the guide.
3. Don’t try to have an in-depth conversation with them at a distance.
You probably know introverts hate small talk — we would prefer to talk to you (preferably in person). But that doesn’t mean we open up right away, especially if there are more people in the circle we’re all standing in. Or maybe the topic is something we don’t know or don’t care about. So if we were already quiet, this will make us even quieter.
If your future introvert buddy is a solid shell you can’t crack, but you’re intrigued and know they deserve it (we!)—perhaps we bonded briefly over a book we both just read—then get together with a mutual friend. If you can’t crack a shell, it’s probably because you encountered them in a large group like the one above, and you just need to spend a little more quality time on them.
Get a friend of ours and get our contact information (Instagram or LinkedIn work well). Time and space are the real keys here – and it gives us time the right way give a heartfelt and honest answer which otherwise could have left our mouths as pure gibberish (if we’re lucky enough to mumble something at all).
Or try talking to us in a lower-pressure environment, like the restroom line or the bar. So any Small talk can lead to “deep” talk much more organically.
And finally…
4. Give them time to unpack and recover.
I cannot stress this enough. The best way to stay on good terms with an introvert is to give them time to balance and recover from social situations. Maybe we have an “introvert hangover”. and really you need time to recover (trust me!).
And if you’re dying to ask us out again soon, don’t! Even if it looked like we were having fun – and we probably were – let me explain…
A big sign of an introvert is not that we hate people, but that spending time with people (whether we like them or not) is exhausting. Basically, interacting and communicating with people, especially in person, can be exhausting and simply requires energy. We need to recharge in silence and recharge this energy to see again.
We are not broken and certainly do not need to be fixed. What we do it it only takes a small dose to understand that being among people absorbs it our energy and time spent alone gives energy for us.
You already clearly know this Introverts are best friendsso hang in there! Keep us in your thoughts, maybe invite us by email, but for God’s sake, don’t call. (Of course I say it with love!) 
