What is the difference between nice and doormat? Nice people don’t let others take advantage of them, while a doormat lets people walk over it. Sounds simple, right? In fact, there is a fine line between being nice and being a doormat.
So, when does kindness slide into martyrdom? And why are some doormats? The door mat arises from two basic problems: fear of rejection and the desire to influence the responses of others. Being a doormat leads to anger, loss of identity and low self-esteem.
Below are 20 signs you’re a doormat. See if you recognize someone, learn the type of doormat and find a way to stop.
20 signs you’re a doormat
- People will always violate your boundaries.
- You immediately say yes when you know you shouldn’t.
- You are a people person.
- Others are constantly overriding your needs.
- People appreciate your actions, not your personality.
- You ignore your needs for inclusion in others.
- You only feel happy when everyone else is happy.
- You avoid confrontation at all costs.
- Others do not understand your needs or desires.
- Accepts and justifies unacceptable behavior.
- Others always assume your consent.
- He compromises his beliefs in order to be accepted.
- People constantly minimize or mock your needs.
- He doesn’t speak up when others put him down.
- People expect comfort, but it is not reciprocated.
- You accept blame even when it’s not your fault.
- You keep apologizing, even when it’s not your fault.
- You blame yourself when things go wrong.
- You feel invisible.
- People persistently take you away without reciprocating.
The difference between nice and doormat
It’s easy to confuse kindness with doormats, but there are subtle differences.
- Nice people are polite and willing to help, but not harm them.
- Nice people don’t let others take advantage of of them.
- Nice people do not agree to unreasonable requests.
- Nice people are not afraid of confrontation.
- Nice people don’t put others before their own needs.
- Nice people believe that your reaction is your responsibility.
- Nice people set boundaries and offer decent alternatives.
- Nice people stand up for themselves.
What makes a doormat personality?
There are many reasons why people become doormats:
“It is one of the most beautiful compensations in life that no one can honestly try to help another without helping himself… Serve and be served.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
- If you say yes, you feel good.
- I’m looking approval.
- Fear of people’s reactions.
- Fear of rejection.
- Low self-esteem.
- Avoid confrontation.
- Fear of being labeled mean.
- The need to control the environment.
There are also types of doormats:
Doormat personality types
The People Pleaser – (avoids conflict)
People likers they want to avoid conflict at all costs. They don’t speak up when something is unfair or outrageous. They suffer in silence rather than engage in confrontation. Instead, they bury feelings of resentment until they reach their breaking point.
The Sycophant – (fear of rejection)
A sycophant’s behavior may seem the same as a people pleaser, but their motivations are different. They will flatter or plead with others to get them to stick around and sacrifice their needs and wants to keep their relationships. They will compromise theirs beliefs and values to be accepted.
The manipulator – (wants something in return)
THE manipulator accepting and generous because they want something in return. Not your typical doormat personality. Instead of asking for what they want, they present themselves as nice people to get what they want.
No matter what type you are, all doormat personalities struggle with saying no, how do you stop?
How can I not be a doormat person?
1. Don’t answer immediately
A common characteristic of doormat people is how quickly they agree to something that is harmful to them. By taking your time to decide, you can avoid knee-jerk reactions that you will later regret.
You also show people that you are valuable; your time is valuable and so is your energy. If you don’t want to do a request, say no. Otherwise, buy yourself some time.
Expressions that buy time:
“I’m not sure if I’m free that day.” Let me have a look.
“I’ll have to think about it and come back.”
“I’ll be busy in the next few days, but I’ll let you know.”
2. Set boundaries and consequences
Boundaries dirty word for people who treat others like doormats. You just don’t have one. People respect boundaries because they protect one’s time and energy. When you set clear and fair boundaries, people will be more appreciative of your time and energy.
Boundary terms:
“I’m sorry, but I’m not available outside of business hours.”
“I don’t like to talk to you about my private life.”
“Please knock before you enter my room.”
3. Offer fair alternatives
It’s natural for a doormat person to struggle with saying no and setting boundaries, but you can reduce stress by offering an alternative. This does two things: it stops you you feel guiltyand it makes the other person grateful for your help.
Expressions offering alternatives:
“I can’t help this weekend, but I’m free for a few hours on Monday.”
“I can’t lend you the full amount, but I can lend you half of it.”
“No, you can’t borrow my car, but I’ll be happy to give you a lift.”
Final thoughts
No one respects a doormat. And over time, you lose respect for yourself. When you stop, others will take you seriously, relationships will improve, and you can be your authentic self.
References:
Sub-editor and collaborator at A learning mind
Janey Davies appeared on the Internet over 10 years ago. She has suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study and receive an Honors Degree in Psychology from the Open University. Janey uses her own experience of anxiety to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
