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Most friendships will never be truly 50/50, but they are based on at least one unspoken agreement: both people to appearreach out and pour some fuel into the tank that keeps the engine going. When this balance is continually disrupted—not just once or twice, but over weeks or months—it’s hard not to wonder that something deeper is at stake.
You may notice it in a small but telling way: when you look back at your messages, it appears that you took the initiative. all talk. They only call when they are bored or when it is convenient. Then there’s the sharper sting of noticing how effortlessly they find time for others – just not you (a surprisingly common frustration, which you can read more about here).
To be fair, life can get in the way—people are busy, schedules collide, and friends aren’t always as available as we’d like—but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or stop you from a feeling of resentment when you wait days for a simple “How are you?” But how do you know if it’s a temporary fling or a more unhealthy one-sided friendship? Here are the biggest red flags that therapists want to watch out for.
1. They never call or text first.
Review your texts and DMs: Are you always the first to send a message? When was the last time you suggested hanging out? You can also experiment with this not find out how long it takes to initiate contact. If weeks (or months) go by without a word, their silence can tell you who’s really holding this relationship together.
“At least one good friend (even a busy one) will do log in periodically out of curiosity and interest” Tiana Leeds, LMFTthe Santa Barbara, Calif.-based therapist tells SELF. After all, someone who really cares about you needs to know what’s going on in your life, so if he doesn’t consistently try to get in touch (or just expects you to), he doesn’t really care about you.
