Introvert “door slamming” can extend to other areas of your life—for example, when you cut off everything that gets in the way instead of helping.
Have you ever known an introvert who shuts someone out or cuts off a relationship to the point where it’s almost like it doesn’t exist? Ask any group of introverts (that is, if you can get us into a group!) and chances are a few of us have done what we call introvert “door knocking.” Also known as “INFJ door slam” is based on the tendency of the Myers-Briggs type to slam the metaphorical door.
Introverts are known for their need for solitude and independence, sometimes at the expense of excluding other people for any length of time. But the door slam is different. An introvert can cut ties with someone for any number of reasons, but mostly because the individual is having a negative effect on us and we need to slam the door on them in order to heal. It’s about self-care and setting boundaries (which is not easy, trust me). As someone who has slammed (or firmly closed) a door several times, I’ve learned that an introvert can slam the door on more than just one person.
Someone who has never slammed a metaphorical door might wonder if we are burning bridges. The answer is no, not exactly. It’s more like we’ve built a drawbridge and there’s a giant moat between us and whatever we’re cutting (sometimes alligators swim in said moat, depending on the severity of the situation). We create a barrier, not destruction. Doors can be opened again… sometimes.
Why do introverts “slam the doors”?
It’s not that extroverts can’t (and don’t) knock down doors, but introverts may have different motivations. Introverts have limited energy reserves. It’s not just about being alone – it’s about anything it overstimulates, overloads or exhausts us in a way that we know is not healthy. We are careful and conscientious about what we allow (and keep) into our lives, and we can exclude those things when necessary.
We don’t have to stay in touch to be okay. In fact, being okay depends in part on disconnection. Taking care of yourself trumps the fear of missing someone—or something—in your life. Many introverts are also very sensitiveand slamming the door on things that are causing you pain may be the healthiest way to move forward.
Introvert “door slamming” can also happen to different degrees. Think about how you close a door. You can close it slowly behind you so it doesn’t squeak on the way out, you can close it normally, or you can close it with a good old man slam. An introvert who excludes someone – or something – can work in the same way. It can happen slowly and subtly when an introvert doesn’t want (or can’t) completely cut out that person or thing, such as someone we work with or live with, and can’t avoid seeing regularly. It can be quick and decisive, but more natural, for example when getting a new job or move to a new place. Or it can be sudden and dramatic with little warning.
If you have to slam the door, it can extend to areas of our lives that are not necessarily about a particular person. Here are three examples of when “door slamming” isn’t limited to people, and how these door slams can be a learning experience for introverts, too. We learn to prioritize what matters and cut out everything that hurts us, but there are important things that introverts need to remember along the way.
3 Ways Introvert “Door Knocking” Isn’t Just About People
1. Slamming the door in places.
If a place makes an introvert feel tired, overwhelmed, or stressed, it’s time to close that metaphorical door, or at least walk out. “Place” here can be broad, such as a region, or more specific, such as a city or town.
For example, in 2014, the door was slammed in a city in the northeastern United States. I was a burned out college student still wondering what it meant to be an introvert and who he was he wanted that big city life for a long time. But the crowds and the stress of living on a grad student budget in an expensive city took a toll on me. I knew I had to get out and was already looking for work in other states when the possibility of a foreign research grant came up. My friends in town and at my degree (which I could finish from anywhere) asked me when I was coming back. To their surprise, my answer was, “I’m not.”
I don’t mind slamming the door on that city at all; it was one of the best decisions I ever made. In recent years, I’ve returned to specific events a handful of times, so I’m warming up to it from a distance – and now from an outsider’s point of view. Would I ever live there again? No way. But I learned from the experience. A few years later, when I decided to leave another East Coast city, I did it before it wore me out—no door slamming required. (Another lesson I’ve learned is that I live better in much smaller cities, so maybe I’ve slammed the door on big city living in general.)
I was lucky to be in a situation where I could leave a place where I was unhappy. Sometimes it can be difficult to leave a place and there are obstacles – finances, family obligations, etc. – which may prevent you from leaving. But here it is Introverts can turn to their family, friends or colleagues to help them make changes or to be a support system if leaving the place is not possible at the moment.
2. Slamming the door on situations.
Moving past a toxic relationship with a person may require an introvert to slam the door on what I broadly call a “situation” usually associated with an introvert’s life journey. For example, a bad professional situation that affects your mental health could fall into this category, such as stressful job or a college or graduate school program that ends up being a poor fit.
Just like slamming a door in one place, situations can be hard to get out of. Changing schools, looking for a new job, finding a new place to live – it’s not easy. When an introvert does this, it’s a huge emotional mess. Slamming the door on a path you’ve been on could mean changing your goals, dreams, or overall life plan (and Introverts are definitely planners and don’t like change!). If an introvert slams the door on said plan, and it’s not necessarily because they have a new, exciting goal, they have a very good reason.
For example, after graduation, my energy was so depleted—and my mental health and self-confidence took a pretty serious blow – that I had to create a barrier between myself and the scientific world. I had to slam the door to heal and process. I completed a program in history and didn’t even open a history book for about a year after I graduated.
But I also learned from this experience. Guess what? That there is it is possible to open the door again. Small steps are key to avoid slamming the door again. For example, I started attending virtual talks and conferences, read some books and articles about my field of interest, and figured out how to rewrite my own history.
And the next one is about that everyone, it’s not just introverts who do the above door slamming: If a situation in your life is unhealthy or offensive in any way, do not open the door again. Lock it, throw away the key, burn the drawbridge, and make sure there are lots of alligators in the moat.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
40% discount For introverts, Dear Readers. Use the code TRUST at the checkout.
Click here to purchase the guide.
3. Slamming the door on behaviors.
As introspective people, introverts can take their ‘door knocking’ ability and apply it to other people, places or situations. Sometimes we need to take a hard look at our own behavior and say: What am I doing that doesn’t work for me?
Take this example: Have you ever had an introverted friend who would hang out with a bunch of people in college, but as an adult, you don’t want a long night on the town? (Raise your hand if are that friend and can relate!) But the point here is this: They slammed the door on this behavior because it was no longer a positive experience, and exhausted.
One of the unhealthy behaviors that caused me to slam the door was to take work home. It was wrong a habit that drained my introverted elements even more than a party where I didn’t know anyone. When I realized how tired and stressed I was, I knew it had to stop. And now, unless absolutely, unavoidably necessary, I’ve slammed the door shut to avoid doing my day job after hours.
What introverts need to remember when they knock on the door
It’s one thing important for introverts to keep in mind when we cut out a place, situation, or even behavior, the thing is that people can get caught up in the door slamming, even if it’s not about the person at all. Whether it’s a roommate, a friendly neighbor in town you’re leaving, or a trusted coworker at a job you’re leaving, if that person is a true friend, you can be honest with them about why you’re closing the door and they won’t take it personally. They will understand that “it’s not you, it’s me” – and all the reassurance of the introvert won’t hurt.
While there are times when a metaphorical door slam might seem like an extreme step, it’s a way for introverts to learn and grow. When we have the power to exclude a person, place, situation or behavior that affects us negatively how introverts set boundaries. Plus, it’s a way to learn what works for us and what doesn’t, and allows us to focus on not matters – like every door we keep open. 
