Most of us simply accept these relationships loses spark over time. The intensity fades, the butterflies settle, and eventually we slide into something stable, comfortable, and routine.
This seemingly unromantic shift towards feeling more like roommates like a crush, it’s not inherently bad. In fact, “if you go into a relationship thinking it’s going to be your honeymoon forever, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.” Erika Ettin, MBAis a New York-based dating coach and founder A little nudgeis an online dating consultancy, tells SELF. In some cases, though, it’s more about creeping boredom than stability.
Learn about parallel life syndrome. As the name suggests, this is a common pattern where couples don’t really live one life together anymore – they exist side by side. You know, parallel to each other, without crossing. The schedules outside the home hardly overlap – one partner is at the gym, the other is hanging out at a coffee shop. Groups of friends kept separate. Even your downtime, while you’re technically “together” in bed, is spent on your own screen in different mental worlds.
“Just because you spend time together doesn’t mean it does quality time – Ettin points out. “And just because you’re still married doesn’t mean it’s automatically going to improve.” A healthy marriage, even for decades, should feel like moving. This doesn’t have to be dramatic, but still: you keep each other in the loop, you learn from conflicts, you develop. how you communicateand ultimately deepens the relationship instead of just continuing it.
“Marriage should be treated like a garden,” Ettin adds, with consistent intention and care. Otherwise, it’s easy to take each other for granted and become two individuals who happen to live next to each other.
So how do you tell the difference between a healthy, slow rhythm and a rhythm that turns into parallel life syndrome? Read on for the biggest warning signs that experts spot.
1. Make decisions alone – then inform your partner later.
Ideally, your partner should be the default speaker – not out of obligation, but because you instinctively want to include them in your world, in both small and big things.
“So one of the early signs of parallel life syndrome is that you rarely think to tell your partner about updates or anything important.” Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFTa Los Angeles-based relationship therapist tells SELF. Maybe you’ve received big news—a win at work or a stressful health update—and your instinct is to text someone. Or are you used to making decisions (booking a trip, buying nice furniture, signing up for a marathon) without taking action (or if you do, only after the fact). Losing a sense of “we,” says Dr. Le Goy, is a subtle indicator that couples are on separate tracks.
