When others hurt us, it is unfair to us. Yet life is often unfair. We can choose to retaliate to counter this. As we mature spiritually, a given is instead a “Yeah, now what?” leads to an answer. This is the question we ask when we are offended or when we respond to retaliation. The “now what?” it can become a fourfold exercise: we grieve, we say: “Ouch!” to the offender we ask for dialogue and send loving-kindness and goodwill. Practice doesn’t have to stop with face-to-face interactions. It can also be applied to mediations, international issues, court cases and organizational conflicts.
In this alternative program of retaliation, we don’t let others walk over us, but we don’t just walk back over them either. We will find a way to work together towards a solution that works for both of us. Retaliating non-violently when someone is aggressive towards us is not retaliation when we simply ward off further aggression – that is, when we defend, we do not attack. We protect our borders, we will not allow abuse or abuse to happen or continue. Nor do we allow the aggressor to continue causing harm. Stopping the fight means stopping the aggression. It becomes retaliation if we strike back with the wrong edge and want to harm. To fight means to cause further hostility and damage.
In doing so, we remain aware that people with trauma may not be ready to do the full exercise or feel unsafe attempting it alone. Timing is important for all of us. We take our baby steps unabashedly, and sometimes just those, or none at all. And we trust that there will always be time.
In connection with the dialogue, we also keep in mind that if the offender refuses to listen to us or does not want a dialogue with us, we confirm that we are ready for it in the future. If there is complete silence, or if the other disconnects us, we let go without anger and with goodwill. In Buddhist terms, we can also include that person in our own practice of loving-kindness. Dialogue only happens with people we face and have a relationship with. When the perpetrator is a stranger, as in the case of road rage, dialogue is unnecessary, but loving-kindness is always a gift we can give.
Exercise: moving beyond retaliation
Knowing all this, let’s look at the practice of overcoming retaliation. We engage in all four steps, or however many are appropriate for the individual or the nature of the relationship:
1. We pause and allow ourselves to mourn our suffering, if only for a moment. Grief is sadness that we have been hurt, anger at the person who caused the hurt, and fear that it will happen again. The grief response exists on a spectrum. It can be based on anything from having our feelings hurt to trauma from deep betrayal. Our practice is to simply feel what we feel, in accordance with the lightness or severity of the hurt, rather than immediate retribution.
2. We speak up and say, “Ouch!” or equivalent to the other person in any non-violent form that works for us. Because our practice takes place in the context of mindfulness, we do not blame or judge the other, but simply report our pain and show our wounds.
3. We ask the person who hurt us to start a dialogue with us to resolve things. We do this without blaming or judging the other person. Our goal is reconciliation in dialogue with those with whom we are in contact in our daily lives. This happens when we let go of anger, malice, blame, and the need for revenge. Letting go of these four obstacles to love is what unapologetic forgiveness is, which is the goal of the practice.
4. We silently include the offender in our loving-kindness practice for the day, or we simply wish for goodwill, compassion and enlightenment. A desire for loving-kindness might be: “May good things happen to you. Find the Buddha’s way.”
Here is a summary of the four-fold exercise. It helps if you write this down and look at it from time to time.
• We feel our grief.
• We say “Ouch!”
• We offer dialogue.
• We send goodwill.
By following these four steps, your return will become your favorite. This practice is also a truly spiritual path to a sense of closure. Revenge won’t get us there.
As for “Ouch!”
In our practice, we may not be ready to say, “Ouch!” immediately. We may need to tend to our wounds, explore what triggered our experiences, and be mindful of any trauma elements. We may need a break and some space from the other person. Only then are we ready to safely communicate our feelings of pain. This applies to any practice that involves pain and grief, especially if there is an element of trauma. A break is a necessary phase of healing. It is a path to clarity, remembrance and completely free decision-making.
A mindful pause is how we allow the triggering event to sit in our mind. We respond without the need for personal interpretation, judgment, fear, planning, control, anger, or retribution. This spiritual moment is the prelude to the assertive and psychologically healthy follow-through practices listed above.
A break is a necessary phase of healing. It is a path to clarity, remembrance and completely free decision-making.
We all need to ask, “How do I feel grief? How do I feel pain? This can be anything from using the word ouch to looking pained or crying. The point is to fearlessly report the impact of someone’s aggressive action. Our “Ouch!” is not always met with cooperative or welcoming responses from others. Some people do not want to see or hear about our feelings, much less explore them with us. We dare to accuse them. Instead of empathy, we can even encounter its opposite, retaliation. It is up to us to know the level of openness to dialogue of the other person and to measure our reactions accordingly.
Sometimes the wisest course of action is not to say “Ouch!” Loving kindness is sometimes best demonstrated by maintaining respectful silence. In any case, when letting go of retaliation is the standard we live by, we no longer need apologies from others to feel closure. Our practice gives us closure.
Codependent people may not feel comfortable saying, “Ouch!” Codependency includes having traits like this: We go out of our way to be nice to someone. We prefer to appease those who hurt us rather than tell them our pain. We let others take advantage of us. We constantly feel guilty for not giving enough. We believe that we always owe others, but they never owe us anything. We constantly give more when we receive less.
Codependent people will look for ways to appease others. They usually do not dare to retaliate openly, as the stakes are too high, there is too much to lose. This is not a spiritual practice of letting go of retaliation. It does not come from an awakened consciousness, but from the fear of abandonment. The job of codependent people is to increase their self-esteem and release the fear that holds them hostage.
Gracious Precedence
An alternative or combinable exercise to the four-fold exercise is tolerance. The dictionary defines it as refraining from a normal or usual aggressive response—for example, retaliating when someone is angered by unfair or abusive treatment. In both cases, we generously waive what we owe or patiently tolerate a violation. Tolerance does not mean tolerating aggression or letting others get away with injustice, but simply being compassionate and lenient about it.
THE Samdinirmocana Sutra he defines patience as tolerance when violated. In matters of little consequence or with people who mean no harm, tolerance and patience can be used as an alternative to the fourfold practice of grief, revealing pain, dialogue and goodwill. We let it go and move on without grudges or plans to pay back later. Our experiences may still contain grief, but we keep it to ourselves or share it with a confidant.
Alternatively, tolerance can be a step after the other four exercises. Incorporating it into our fourfold practice can give us a sense of closure, inner peace, and generosity.
Since tolerance is part of loving-kindness, this practice can be called “gracious patience” either by itself or as part of a longer practice. The practice of gracious tolerance combines kindness, generosity, compassion, and patience, all characteristics of our loving-kindness practice.
Practice: Cultivating a Heart of Generosity
1. Ask for help from the helping forces. We turn to a power higher than the ego for grace to activate our generosity and support us in showing it. We can also ask generous friends for tips.
2. Use affirmations. We affirm daily that we have the qualities that characterize generosity:
• I am abundantly generous at heart.
• I am free from resentment, anger or envy.
• I accept the mistakes of others.
• I forgive easily.
• I calmly accept life’s opportunities.
3. Act as if. We simply pretend that we are already generous, and soon generosity becomes second nature. Our behavior awakens the possibility of generosity.
Thirteenth-century Zen master Eihei Dogen’s book, The Rules of the Study Room, recommends generosity. We also notice that it includes the “act as if” behavior modification style:
Care for each other compassionately with mutual love, and if you have any idea that it is very difficult to meet each other in this way, then still show the expression of harmony and accommodation.
The triple exercise – ask, affirm, act – applies to all virtues that we want to incorporate into our daily lives. Every virtue is potential in all of us. Exercise activates them from rest to display. No virtue is outside of us – the basis for the unreserved hope of humanity capable of justice, peace and love.
♦
adapted from Sweeter than Revenge © 2025 by David Richo. Reprinted by Shambhala Publications, Inc. Boulder, CO. www.shambhala.com in its agreement
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