When arranging play dates, it is crucial to set clear boundaries, such as setting start and end times.
I was almost 40 when I realized that my deep and abiding fear of unannounced visitors was a result of my work. introverted and anxious inclinations. I was aware that I wanted to surprise visitors with a slight aversion, but there’s nothing like having babies to keep all aspects of personality in full view.
I had my third baby at 39, and with each passing year and more children, I have less social energy to spare. In fact, I find myself conspiring and scheming to keep my home a private sanctuary and “introverted zen zone” versus playdate requests, friend drop-ins, and social gatherings.
I would like to give some tips to others introverted parents for keeping your private spaces secret from this battle-worn, overtired mother of three.
The introvert parent’s guide to play dating
1. Set a clear end point for each meeting.
Make sure you set not only a start time for your playdate, but also an end time – and have something relatively set in stone like a class/activity/meeting. must will reach I learned this the hard way after a date at my home dragged on for more than two hours.
By the end I had reached the dull plane of consciousness that we introverts know all too well. I was exhausted, in a zombie state, I could hardly continue the conversation, I was frantically thinking about how to end the game time. I finally made an excuse, but it took the mother another 10 minutes to drag her child out the door.
2. Choose a location for any playdate or visit that is a reasonable distance from your home.
If you schedule playtime not too close to home, your private sanctuary will not be invaded to cope with the inevitable small child smell that may appear (toilet needs, water or snacks, minor scratches, you get the point…).
Again, a lesson I learned the hard way after a play date at a park right down the street from my house. A child had a bathroom emergency and I felt compelled to offer our bathroom. Damned if the other kids weren’t impressed with the selection of toys in our house (and refused to leave!). The kids then found an excuse to come over to our house every time we met at that park.
3. Think about how you can give yourself the opportunity to recharge during your visit.
Don’t forget to charge it under the visit. For example, inviting more than one child on a date can help, assuming the children get along well. Having more than two adults around means you can slyly remove yourself from the conversation if you feel like your introvert’s gas tank is getting close to “empty.”
Those damned and ubiquitous “smart” phones are also the perfect excuse to unplug when you’re feeling down. Anyone else ever faked a phone call so you can step away and give your overworked mind a quick break? (I thought so!)
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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4. It’s okay to bail on a play date if you (or your child) need it.
Allow yourself to bail on a game day if you (or your child) need it – and you will not feel guilty about it! I tried to get an exhausted preschooler to stay in the park for another five or ten minutes for the sake of the other child. It usually doesn’t end well.
Your little one is probably feeling emotions that are all too familiar to you, but they are less able to hide or cope with them. It may not feel good to save him early at the moment, but the alternative (a melting child or an exhausted you) is more painful. The other parent will understand.
5. Know that your friends will eventually realize that getting together at your house just isn’t your thing.
Eventually, parents will realize that home gatherings aren’t your cup of tea. Dates can just as well happen in a park and gatherings on a restaurant terrace.
I had a lovely friend who was so excited about my newborn a while back that she dropped by after our older kids were dropped off at school. She rang the bell and knocked on the door several times while I was in a bedroom away from the windows, exhausted, overwhelmed, sometimes with dripping breasts flapping in the wind during or after nursing.
It took a few visits but he eventually learned that if I didn’t go to the door stopped by him unannounced. And I’ve learned not to beat myself up about it. It’s okay to keep private spaces private.
6. Take comfort in the knowledge that play dates will (eventually) end.
Like all seasons of life, the season of dating with parents comes to an end. (Wow!) My sons are now 13 and 15 and have friends without a parent tagging them. Children can be told directly and openly that it is time to go home without breaking social customs. Children can be instructed to text their parents to pick them up or to notify their parents that they will be taken home.
I made really good friends with the parents of my kids’ friends, but I found out I don’t must it’s good to be friends all the parents. Remaining friends A-OK. As children’s lives become busier and children’s social circle expands, it becomes increasingly difficult to find time to meet their own needs – solitude or time with close friends. As a result, I have learned to prioritize my very limited free time to the people I most want to see.
7. Adjust the reception concept to your living conditions.
There was a time, earlier in my adulthood/parenthood, when I loved playing housewife. We had family or friends there, and I could do the hostess duties—show the house, have the right food and drink on hand, and take it up well into the night.
But I discovered that takeout pizza and store-bought dessert can take a family. i can set boundaries and make it clear that we have kids’ bedtimes and the next day’s responsibilities, ensuring that the night ends before my social reserves are depleted. I am my own harshest critic, but I don’t have to be Martha Stewart or Ina Garten.
It’s all about learning to socialize at your comfort level
Just thinking about some of these episodes makes my blood pressure spike again. I’m tempted to close the blinds and hide in the back bedroom that’s all I’m thinking. But by using these strategies, the kids and I learned to socialize within our comfort levels. I can even imagine having a big gathering at my home again. Give me 5-10 years… 
