There is good solitude and bad solitude. Here’s how to make the most of your solitude as an introvert.
The next night it was me home alone in my comfortable clothes. I made dinner, watched a show, and only interrupted to mindlessly scroll through social media and respond to a few texts. As a single mother of an energetic five-year-old boy, I was exhausted. On the surface, the night seemed quite relaxing.
But by the end of the night I felt worse, not better. As I entered brainmy mind was heavy with worries about my own life and the state of the world. As much as I wanted to turn my brain off, I couldn’t fall asleep.
Like one introvertit was confusing. You shouldn’t love alone time?
Well, yes. But spending time alone is actually not good for us.
Being alone is not the same as being lonely
When I started writing about personality more than a decade ago, there was a real stigma around being an introvert. It was considered a bad thing to stay home on Saturday night instead of going out with friends. This is because Western culture teaches us to view extroversion as a superior personality trait— what Susan Cain calls the extroverted ideal.
Today, the world has changed with telecommuting, e-learning, telehealth, delivery services and more. Americans are actually spending more time alone than ever before. In fact, the number of people living alone has almost doubled in the last 50 years.
That’s part of it why the US surgeon general warned of a general epidemic of loneliness in 2023and why some say one antisocial century. On some level they are right. Loneliness and isolation are real problems and chronic loneliness can even shorten your life.
But here is the important difference: being alone is not the same as existing lonely.
There is such a thing as good solitude
Sometimes being alone is peaceful, liberating and energizing. This is what researchers call it positive loneliness. This is when you relax, meditate, organize your thoughts, organize your nervous system, and relax from the pressures of the world. For some people, this may cause a spark creativity or even creates a sense of spiritual connection.
But here’s the key: in order to feel good about being alone, you have to choose.
He is not alone because he has no other choice. Life in your 30s and 50s can be especially lonely. You may be juggling work, kidsand aging parents. Friendships can fade during these busy years, which can make life seem surprisingly isolated. Later, retirement or the death of a spouse can further shorten your daily social relationships.
Positive loneliness means selected walking, listening to your favorite music, working on a project you love, or just sitting and thinking. Sometimes you can even find a version of solitude in the company of others, such as reading in a busy cafe or watching a movie in the theater.
This kind of solitude is very good for us. A study found that loneliness was associated with depression, while positive loneliness was associated with better mental health. Paradoxically, if time spent alone feels nourishing, it can make us feel less lonely – even though we are technically alone.
How to make the most of your alone time
Since learning that not all loneliness is created equal, my approach to alone time has changed. Here are my science-backed tips:
Choose deliberately. Loneliness feels better when it feels voluntary, not like something life forces upon you. Even a short, intentional time alone can feel very different than an evening when you’re accidentally alone. Turn to your friend if you really need another adult—not a preschooler—to help you unpack the thoughts that are bouncing around in your head. Yes, sometimes even introverts need people.
If you find yourself alone when you’d rather not be, try reframing it. See it as an opportunity to reset or come back. Spending the weekend alone doesn’t mean your life is terrible or that something is wrong. Research found that when lonely people think about loneliness in this way, they are more likely to experience its emotional benefits.
Keep it simple. Spending time alone isn’t necessarily about doing something impressive. This can be as simple as walking, listening to music, diary writingreading, stretching, or just sitting long enough to calm your mind.
Put the phone in another room for a while. With everything going on in the world these days, it’s all too easy to doomsroll and spiral anxiety. So almost at the end I bought a bucket with 120 servings of freeze dried emergency food. Research we’ve realized that solitude doesn’t do us so much good when we’re staring at a screen, especially when we’re passively scrolling through social media.
Get out if you can. It doesn’t have to be a big hike. A short walk around the block or a few quiet minutes on the front porch can still give you an emotional boost.
Think regular little pockets, not some perfect self-care routine. A study he realized that the benefits of spending time alone add up. Those who spent more time alone over the course of the study were less stressed overall and felt more autonomous.
Of course, spending time alone isn’t always easy, especially when you to live with others. I’ve found that the best way to make it happen is to schedule it and talk about it directly. It’s mine Confident introverted scriptsI share ready-to-use phrases to help you ask for alone time, talk about your needs as an introvert, conserve your energy, socialize, set boundaries, and more. I created it based on feedback from therapists and introverts to make sure it really helps.
Introverted Dear readers can get a 40% discount with the code TRUST at the checkout.
