Although well-intentioned, this term can actually alienate introverts, preventing them from getting the help they need when times are tough.
“Tell me how I can help.” “Touch him only when you want to.” “I’m just a phone call away.”
For many people, these expressions of care are a great way to show support. But for some they are introvertsnot enough. At worst, they alienate introverts, preventing them from getting the help they need when times are tough. If you’re an extrovert trying to reach your introverted friend, it’s important to understand how to best care for us “quiet” personality types.
Think of personality types like houseplants. Succulents require the same care as their leafier cousins, but a philodendron would not receive the same care as a cactus. Introverts need the care and support of their friends like cacti need water and sunlight, but you need to know how to best provide these resources without overwhelming or neglecting them.
Why “just reaching out” doesn’t work for some introverts?
“Being there” can be a generous offer for people of all personality types. But while many will jump into your arms as soon as you open it, you can’t expect most introverts to come running. Telling an introvert to “just go for it” is a misguided and ineffective way to support those who dread activities such as call someone on the phonepersonal encounter and verbal expression of deep emotions. All introverts operate differently, but for many of us, the need for help can be outweighed by the difficulty of giving and receiving help.
Once in college, one of his teammates burst into the locker room and threw himself into my arms, crying loudly. Worried teammates flocked to him with hugs and words of comfort. I too was going through a difficult time and it was a disheartening sight to watch me suffer in silence. But if making a scene and mingling with the (well-intentioned) crowd was the way to get support, as an introvert it’s pretty much bound so that he does not walk it.
I’ve heard many of my fellow introverts echo this feeling of being ignored, unsupported, and abandoned by friends and support groups that use an “outreach” model to support their introverted loved ones. In most cases, it’s not because our friends don’t care, but because they don’t know how that.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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Click here to purchase the guide.
What you should do instead
So how can you better care for the introverts in your life? It’s simple: touch it them!
Instead of waiting for your introverted loved ones to come to you, do what you can to proactively care for them. If you know or suspect they’re going through a rough patch, or if they’re showing warning signs like a change in behavior, being away for long periods of time, listening to a sad Spotify playlist, etc., take the initiative to check on them. Ask them how they are feeling, reiterate how much you care about them, and provide a private, low-key environment for them to open up to you. It is a myth that most introverts don’t like people or speak; we just need a safe, comfortable environment and the right audience.
It would have helped, for example, to talk to my friends about my hurt and frustration when the Filming in 2018 at the Életfa synagogue it took place in my hometown. I come from a Jewish family in Pittsburgh and had family friends who were injured or killed in the event. But like most introverts, I’m not a fan of heated arguments or crowded events, let alone reeling from a tragedy. So I passively watched my social network activate, posting long paragraphs on social media and organizing events with only one friend checking to make sure my family and I were okay.
Be proactive with your introverted friends in difficult situations and everyday struggles. The worst that can happen is that they turn away from you.
Why might introverts reject you first?
Speaking of turning away from you…
If they turn away from you, understand that it’s just as important to actively listen to an introvert as it is to respect their need for solitude. Time spent alone A fundamental characteristic of an introverted life, it becomes even more important when dealing with difficult periods. When you check in with your introverted friends, respect them and their wishes if they choose not to talk or spend time with you at that moment. Overexposure can harm a cactus just as much as neglect.
To understand this cornerstone of introversion, it is important to understand that introverts experience their environment very differently and respond to stimuli differently than their extroverted counterparts. While talking about problems or being around supportive people may seem like the best medicine for an extrovert, introverts usually find the energy to deal with their struggles through low-stimulus activities like spending time alone, listening to music, and writing. Understanding and respecting these differences is essential to being there for an introvert.
When I was friends with an exceptionally cool college classmate, he insisted on breaking me out of my shell when I had to deal with difficult circumstances alone. She confronted me about being withdrawn and not allowing her to give me the help I needed.
Once, after I told him I had received particularly bad news, he invited me to attend a student activist rally. He assured me that being around a group of inspiring young fire fighters would help me overcome my sadness, but spending hours in the school administration building with a bunch of fired-up political activists would surely have drained what few mental resources I had at the time. Yes, my extroverted friend genuinely cared for me, but the understanding of caring was the furthest thing from palliative.
Like my friend, you may be wondering how to tell if your introverted friend wants you to help or give them space. The easiest way to know is to check in and give them a chance to tell you what’s best for them. If you notice a difference in behavior or know that something difficult has happened in their life, reach out to them, remind them that you care, and ask them what they need. Even if it doesn’t help them talk or hang out, it never hurts to remind someone that you care. At the end of the line, they may welcome the opportunity to open up to a supportive, reliable friend.
The best way to be there for your introvert is to visit them. Be proactive and attentive; don’t sit around waiting for them to call you – because it probably never will. 
