Can a narcissist love you? My immediate answer would be, of course yes; they love themselves. But can they love? you?
Narcissists exist a spectrumso does their ability to love also exist on a spectrum? Narcissists would argue that can they are in love when their needs are met, but relationships require compromise, I give and take in equal measure, and narcissists don’t give, they take. Their version of love is obsessive, one-sided and transactional.
So, what is love for a narcissist and what do they really mean when they say: “I love you”?
Can a narcissist love you?
1. What do narcissists mean when they say “I love you?”
Can a narcissist love you? They would say they can, but their definition of love is different from yours. Narcissists love people like you love your new flat screen TV or car. They love him because of what he can do for them or because of how he makes them feel.
Narcissists lack the emotional development or empathy to form lasting, deep relationships. To them, you are an object and it is your “job” to fulfill their needs. This represents narcissistic love.
Narcissists do not reach the stage where objects become lovable people. So when they say “I love you”what they’re really saying is you validate me, you pay attention to me, you boost my ego, you make me your priority, I feel special when I’m with you, so I have to own you because I feel and look better when I’m around you.
2. Love is different for narcissists
Narcissists may have inflated egos and inflated self-esteem, but a narcissist’s self-esteem depends on the opinions of others. Narcissists lean on external factors to increase their self-esteem.
Healthy self-esteem does not depend on external factors. It’s internal. It is based on how we perceive ourselves and our abilities. He accepts our strengths and flaws and does not rely on the constant affirmation or admiration of others. So you can is a narcissist in love if he doesn’t love himself?
3. Narcissistic love is an obsession
When a narcissist says: “I love you” they think they can fall in love, but it’s not a deep relationship where both parties are equal. Narcissistic love requires full attention to their needs. Their version of love has its stages, and with the obsession and the love bombing.
A narcissist falls in love quickly. Loving them means they can’t stop thinking about you. They dream of life with you. They fell in love with you. But not because of his striking looks or captivating personality; it’s for what you can do for them.
“For a narcissist, love is external reinforcement used to boost their self-esteem. They don’t understand that true love involves reciprocity. Instead, they believe that love is something they can get from a person or object and use to make themselves feel better.”
Dr. Ketan Parmar, relationship expert
You offer worship, recognition, validationthey need admiration and attention to feel special and they think this is love. It fulfills their need for external authentication. Narcissists mirror your behavior in order to form a relationship, albeit a shallow one. Narcissists know this relationship is superficialthat’s why they like to bomb to tie you up.
They will throw you into a passionate, whirlwind romance. They will be kind and considerate and will quickly discuss long-term plans such as marriage. Narcissists see you as the perfect partner, all because you maintain their self-worth through your reactions to their behavior.
4. Narcissistic love is entanglement
Once a narcissist gets you into a relationship, it soon becomes apparent that your world revolves around their needs. Your full attention is on them. You constantly monitor their mood and reactions. You’re boosting and flattering their egos, all the while putting them on a pedestal ignoring your needs in the relationship. Because of this, you lose your autonomy.
Soon the line between you and the narcissist will blur, and as your feelings are ignored, you will become a mere extension of the narcissist, absorbing their emotions as if they were your own. This is one entrapment.
You are the one working to keep the relationship together. As your identity becomes more and more intertwined with the narcissist, your worth is determined by how you make the narcissist feel. So if you want to know if a narcissist loves you when they say: “I love you” the answer is yes, if you do a fantastic job of making yourself feel validated.
5. Narcissistic love is transactional
Since the narcissist cannot feel good without the input of others, they need control from a constant source or supply. So, if you’re wondering if a narcissist can love you, it depends on the quality of it narcissistic supply; it’s you They stay around as long as they feel comfortable.
Feeling good can mean different things to a narcissist; for example, putting up with their toxic behavior or tantrums to make them feel superior, taking care of them financially to enable them, parasitic lifestyle.
Whatever it is, the relationship must provide them with something; otherwise they leave. Narcissists are takers, not givers. Tactics such as gaslighting, blackmail or sabotage are used to extract the maximum reward.
Final thoughts
So, can a narcissist love you? The answer is not. Narcissists use people like normal people use objects or tools. When an object stops working, we discard it. And they are narcissists discard people like objects. Sure, they may have “loved” the way the item made them feel, but they don’t look back and say in make love to her.
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Sub-editor and collaborator at A learning mind
Janey Davies appeared on the Internet over 10 years ago. She has suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study and receive an Honors Degree in Psychology from the Open University. Janey uses her own experience of anxiety to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
