Being an extremely sensitive person, I couldn’t bear to see him suffer. It was easier for me to be in pain.
“I just don’t know how to be your wife before I’m your friend.”
It was one of the last things I said to my husband a few months before our divorce. We had been married for almost six years when reality hit me in the face and made me take a hard look at our relationship – and find out that our marriage had been dead for over a year.
We met when we were 21, in our last year of university. I fell in love with him because he was independent and brave, but he felt lonely. I wasn’t that brave or independent, but I could provide company and build intimacy.
Like the highly sensitive person (HSP)I he absorbed not only his emotionsbut also part of his personality. We traveled a lot, and while I enjoyed it, it pushed me more out of my comfort zone than I could handle. He sleeps in different cities, hostels, etc. every few days. We argued a lot because I wanted to stay longer in a city I found peaceful and quiet, while he wanted to move faster to see more places.
At home, I saw him suffer as I really wanted him to stay inside and enjoy the silence while he wanted to be out with his friends and have more interesting experiences. I was emotionally and physically exhausted every day, but I agreed to all his terms because as an HSP I tend to avoid conflict and change – and our conflict management wasn’t healthy as a couple.
As I look back, I see how I tried to “go with the flow” in my marriage to avoid arguments and discomfort. It breaks my heart that I accepted unhappiness as the new standard for maintaining familiarity.
Here is my story, which may sound familiar to other HSPs.
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What led to the collapse of my marriage
As I come to terms with and accept my new status as a divorcee, I can’t help but reflect on some of the things that led to the destruction of my marriage by putting my role as a friend ahead of that of a wife:
- Making your comfort zone my comfort zone. I forced myself to “enjoy” the things that made me miserable, such as loud hostels, frequent encounters with many people, adrenaline-filled adventures, etc.
- I strive to duplicate my partner’s personality to avoid conflicts and to be a “better” wife. I tried to keep my feelings quiet so he wouldn’t get upset and tried to be open and “fun” so he wouldn’t have to live with a “boring” partner.
- Accepting that my relationship lacks emotional intimacy as my partner struggled to understand his emotions and vulnerability. His first source was always to stone him during arguments.
- Letting go of all physical attraction. My partner didn’t value touch as much as I did, and no matter how much I begged him to hold my hand or hug me, he just couldn’t do it.
- And last but not least: Putting all your needs before mine as I could not bear the thought of suffering.
My partner and I reached the “point of no return” when he attended a conference out of town and was gone for a week. I enjoyed my quiet house for the first time in months, relaxing as I hung my laundry to dry and hiking alone. On my first solo hike, I remember the feeling of freedom that carried me through the longest hike I’ve ever done.
I felt free. I felt alive. And I knew I had to face reality and make big changes in my life.
I couldn’t bear to see her suffer
But these big changes didn’t come as quickly or easily as I would have liked. The sudden realization of how happy I was when he wasn’t out of town made me look at what I had done to keep my marriage “alive.” And the truth was too much for me to handle.
When my partner came back, I asked for a divorce. As we both cried and talked about it, he convinced me that it wasn’t a good idea and I accepted, even though my inner voice was screaming that I needed to get out of this relationship. I couldn’t bear to see him suffer and cry again. Pain was easier for me to make me happy.
We stayed together, but at this point it was easy to see how unhappy and unhealthy I was becoming from trying to prolong the life of a relationship that was already dead. It suddenly became unbearable to share a room with him, to force myself to be loving when I felt so hurt and tried to date again to rekindle the spark.
I remember crying in the bathroom at work and the constant stomach aches and nausea. When he tried to hold my hand and hug me—after years of asking—he now felt obligated and empty.
In the end, divorce was the healthiest
That was until one day he started talking about divorce. Even after the divorce, he asked to go on dates to try to mend our relationship, and against my will, I accepted every time. One day I was so upset I cried when we were leaving a museum on one of these dates. We parked on the street and he asked me why I always said yes to all his ideas. After a long, deep conversation, he begged me not to be his boyfriend and to be his wife instead.
You know, the more I was his friend, the more I kept him from being a better husband. Being your friend first, I:
- He hid the truth about the health of our relationship.
- Never set proper boundaries.
- He didn’t let her see what she was doing wrong.
- He agreed to be unhappy to avoid change.
- I held myself back from accepting who I really am (HSP).
- It prevented him from growing and getting the help he really needed.
- I made myself unhealthy. lost a lot of weight he couldn’t sleephe couldn’t focus.
- He ignored and betrayed my inner voice.
After a few months, we decided that a divorce was the healthiest thing for both of us. What underwent therapywe had honest conversations and did our best as fast as possible to move on and try to find happiness in our own way.
Even when our divorce was as amicable and amicable as could be, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We stopped talking as we felt we couldn’t be friends at this point and actively avoided running into each other at work (we work in the same place).
What I Learned
Although this process has been difficult and emotionally draining, I have hope. I feel that our divorce has given us an opportunity to grow as individuals and for me to understand and live by my own priorities. After a lot of therapy, I finally understood what they mean in the pre-flight safety briefing: put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else.
By trying so hard to be her friend first, I ignored the anger that was building up. I was angry with myself for not taking care of my health, I always blindly justified his decisions and accepted an unhappy life. “Unconditional friendship” has become more like forced help.
I began to evaluate my own friendships and cut out those where I engaged in such behavior. I started setting boundaries, addressing my own priorities, and doing monthly “happiness checks”—I would compare my current situation to what I had written in my journal as my optimal level of happiness. I decided to be braver, stand up for my needs and continue to develop myself into a strong and independent person.
It’s been six months since our divorce and I’m still having trouble processing and accepting that our relationship is broken and that we’re no longer on speaking terms as partners. I’m still adjusting to the loss of familiarity, trying to find my own way, and letting go of the idea that we’ll ever be friends again.
But a few weeks ago I ran into him at work and saw him laughing with my friends, ready for work and finally happy. And as a healthy secret friend, I really enjoyed it.
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