I picked up my son Huck from preschool a few days ago. When we got home, he was a total wreck. Nearby birds called out in alarm and flew up as she screamed and flapped in my arms, demanding snacks, to watch a show, to go to a playground. He is 3 years old so this is normal but still painful to witness. I sat outside with her and her little sister in the grass and waited for things to calm down. But after ten minutes the storm showed no sign of abating. I took him inside the house for a change of scenery and he spotted a pair of toddler-sized rubber gloves I bought for him. “Are these my size?” she asked as her tears evaporated. He took great pleasure in cleaning two toilets, the shower and the sink and asked, “What else can I clean?”
There is a parenting book that I love Hunter, gatherer, parent Michaeleen Doucleff on how to raise helpful children. The point of the book is that children show an innate drive to feel useful and belong. It is natural for them to want to be functional members of their family team, and Western parenting tends to unwittingly suppress this drive by excluding children from real work, underestimating their abilities, and over-interfering with their contributions. I believe that everyone has this innate desire to belong and help. I could even argue that our purpose in life is to help each other.
If we don’t serve this purpose, we become depressed, sick, or have our own version of a toddler meltdown. Doucleff says if a child is misbehaving, give them a job: “If a child breaks the rules, is demanding, or seems ‘willful,’ their parents need to go to work. The child is saying, ‘Hey, Mom, I’m underemployed, and it doesn’t feel good.'” “If your mind behaves inappropriately – feels selfish, demanding or mean: Find a way to be generous.
I believe that everyone has this innate desire to belong and help. I could even argue that our purpose in life is to help each other.
In Buddhism, generosity is not just a side practice. This is the main event. The Buddha usually taught people generosity before he taught them meditation. That’s because it is the most tangible way to let go– letting go is the key to releasing attachment, which is the cause of suffering. If you think about what it means to hold on—to hold on, to hold on, to feel insecure, to detach, to believe that what you’re holding on to is necessary for your safety and well-being—being generous is the exact opposite. This connection, instead of separation, is the relief of letting go. It comes from trust and a sense of security that there is enough. Generosity is actually just another word for “the end of suffering.”
Huck “behaved badly”, but his misbehavior was only a manifestation of some kind of anxiety. Maybe he needed more love after going to school for a few hours and then coming home to a mom who had her arms full, sister and dad gone for a week. Maybe he withdrew from the school incentive. Whatever it was, there was some kind of contraction in his heart. What made him feel better was that he felt helpful, he had a purpose. Generosity softened everything.
Generosity also heals physically. After years of chronic Lyme disease that only got worse and I tried endless healing protocols that didn’t seem to help in the slightest, there was one thing that finally changed the numbers dramatically. She was taking care of a baby. Focusing on someone else’s well-being shook everything up for me, shifting the hyperfocus of attention from me and my sick body to someone else gave me purpose.
I realize that most people have the exact opposite of what I had postpartum, and the last thing I want is for anyone to blame themselves if they’ve gone through postpartum depression. Postpartum depression may be a manifestation of the rigorous transformation that rips through our souls as the person we once were dies and we are reborn as parents. But that’s for another post.
And I can’t quite explain why things turned out for me the way they did. What I can say is this: at this point in my life, I have an endless amount of work for others, far more than anyone can skillfully handle. And sometimes I find myself averse to it, focusing on the unfairness of it all, seeing it as a trap I’ve fallen into, and letting it fuel feelings of inadequacy, bitterness, and hopelessness.
But I can also notice that I’m feeding my demons, I can feel how it affects my heart, my body, and it makes me even sicker, and then I choose a different path. Every time I do the dishes, clean up a poop accident, and listen to my partner’s struggles after surviving my own chaotic day of toddler and baby meltdowns, I can do so with a sense of love, compassion, purpose, and joy. In the moment of chaos, instead of languishing in feelings of inadequacy, overwhelm, and resentment, I can sense where the release is ready. I feel what is mine, I can draw from the love that wants to share, and I give.
To practice this, don’t look at the way you have to give. Find where you naturally feel called to give, even in the smallest of ways. No one has to smile if they don’t feel like smiling, but maybe it feels good to scratch your dog behind the ears. You don’t have to sign in to make food for that meal train if it’s too much, but maybe you feel like folding some laundry with love, Marie Kondo style. Keep looking for small acts of generosity that feel good to do and let them spice up your day. This will not only heal your body and mind, but also lead you to your goal.
If you’re overwhelmed for a moment, clear your mind of what you could or should be doing and stop for a few beats. Allow yourself to do nothing. Then notice if inspiration strikes about what you can do in that moment. It can be as simple as being a calm presence in the room.
The human heart wants to give, and when we let it, it opens up and heals us, body, mind and spirit.
♦
This article originally appeared on Cara Lai’s Substack site, Meditate on your face.
