We spend a third of our lives at work, which is good if we enjoy it. But I’ve worked in places where I hated every minute of it and cried every morning before I left. One of the bosses was nasty. He pushed back on projects, denied or insisted he sent information, lied about deadlines, and told me I was too sensitive when I spoke up. I just realized he was a gaslight boss.
Here’s what other bosses say when they gaslight you.
Phrases that the Gaslighting boss says
What is gas lighting and why is it so destructive in the workplace?
We know gas lighting a form of psychological manipulation designed to cast doubt on one’s own sense of reality. Gas lighting in the workplace particularly destructive. It reduces productivity, destroys self-esteem, destroys co-worker relationships, and wreaks havoc on mental health.
A recent poll found that 58% of 3,033 people had experienced gas lighting at work. So, how do you know if your boss is gaslighting?
Chris Kerridge is an employee engagement specialist at MHR Global. He says gaslighting isn’t as obvious as bullying, and that’s problematic.
“In many cases (gaslighting) can be so subtle that some people don’t even know it’s happening until they stop and think about it, which is probably why it happens so often.”
However, you can recognize the gaslight boss by the following terms:
They are lying about what they said.
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“I never said that.”
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“I already said…”
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“You must have forgotten.”
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“You didn’t follow my instructions.”
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“You remember wrong.”
These are classics gaslight expressionsdesigned to challenge your memory. He questions his memory.
“Did I hear them right?” “Maybe I remembered wrong.”
How to answer:
If you have proof that your gaslighter boss is lying, show them an email or text message, for example. But these types of manipulators are clever. They rarely slip away, leaving evidence behind.
If you lack evidence, say, “My memories differ,” and move on. Don’t explain or justify yourself. That’s exactly it what your boss wants.
They suggest that you are too sensitive.
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“I was just kidding.”
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“You’re so sensitive, take it easy.”
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“Don’t take it so personally.”
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“Where’s your sense of humor?”
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“You need a thicker skin to work here.”
This is your gaslighting boss trying to get away with inappropriate behavior. They blame you for their actions. It’s not that their banter was offensive; you can’t take the joke.
How to answer:
There is a lot of advice on social media right now engages in offensive jokes or misogynistic comments. If you explain your prank to the offender, the responsibility will return to him. Now they are in the spotlight and have to explain their nasty comments.
They say take it easy.
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“You really need to calm down.”
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“You seem very emotional now.”
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“You always blow things out of proportion.”
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“I worry about you. You’re everywhere.”
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“I think you need a break.” You’re clearly not up to the job.
It’s no surprise that he gets emotional when his boss fires him. But instead of listening to your concerns, they trivialize your feelings with the above expressions. This has the effect of making it more emotional, which “proves” their point.
How to answer:
The gas lighter boss wants a reaction. The more hysterical and dramatic, the better. They focus on your behavior because it distracts people from theirs. Remember, you can’t help your feelings and therefore they are valid. State their dismissive attitude:
“I need you to focus on what I’m saying, not how I’m saying it.”
They call me crazy.
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“You’re going crazy.”
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“Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”
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“You’re acting crazy.”
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“You’ve lost the plot.”
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“You’re unstable.”
These gaslighting phrases are straight up a manipulator playbook. They want to knock you off balance and question reality. You doubt your memory. Is that what you said? Did this really happen? Suddenly you’re not sure anymore.
How to answer:
When a gaslighting boss calls you crazy, they’ve already laid the groundwork for you to question yourself. Now that you understand that they are playing mind games, record every conversation and action. So when they call you crazy, you can dispute their lies.
They give a fake apology.
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“I’m sorry you’re angry.”
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“If I did something wrong, I’m sorry.”
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“I’m sorry if you gave me the wrong impression.”
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“I’m sorry, but…”
Instead of owning up to their toxic behavior, a gaslighting boss offers a fake apology. In their minds, this is the end of the matter. They just want to draw a line under the situation so they can move on to the next one.
How to answer:
There are many different opinions about it how to deal with a fake apology. You can choose to accept the apology and move on, or challenge it. For example,
“I accept your apology, but I will not tolerate this behavior any longer.” Or, “Apologise not for how I feel, but for what you did.”
How to deal with a gaslighting boss
1. Gas lighting in the workplace is harassment
Any type workplace harassment is against the law. Because gaslighting is insidious and not easily detected, it is important to document the incidents. Keep track of text messages, emails, or enter gaslighting entries with dates and times. After registering the evidence, you can get support or make a complaint.
2. Find support inside or outside the company
See if the company has an HR department, a welfare officer, a consultant or a union. If not, do you have a senior colleague you trust and can confide in?
If resources are not available within your company, you may need to look outside. For example, support lines dealing with workplace issues or legal help. You can also see your doctor who can provide mental health support.
3. Talk to your family and friends
My friend was burned out at work years ago. He became severely depressed, stopped working and suffered from crippling anxiety. She would sit in my house crying. We looked at your options: continue sick leave, go to HR, file a complaint, etc. She said it makes her feel a little better to speak up and know someone has her back.
Final thoughts
Gas lighting in the workplace can have a devastating effect on you. The daily stress of working in a toxic environment not only damages your self-esteem, but also makes you question your abilities, make you feel isolated, and can lead to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
Now that you know what it looks like, I hope you get the support you need.
References:
Sub-editor and collaborator at A learning mind
Janey Davies appeared on the Internet over 10 years ago. She has suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study and receive an Honors Degree in Psychology from the Open University. Janey uses her own experience of anxiety to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
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