Social anxiety is the fear that people will see something wrong with you and therefore reject you. And lately, mine has been skyrocketing.
Do you ever dread a social situation that should be comfortable?
It’s my cousin’s wedding came and that’s exactly what I felt.
On paper, there was no reason for it panic. That was it family. These were people who were with me every step of the way in my cancer treatment. The bride, my cousin, had battled breast cancer just a year before me – so she must have understood what I was going through.
And yet I felt incredible worried.
Of course, I wouldn’t know many people there. But there was more: my body changed after cancer. I’ve gained weight since my surgeries, my hair has grown back unusually after chemotherapy, and I now have a permanent colostomy bag attached to my stomach.
So yeah, I’ve had a hard time finding clothes that make me feel cute.
And it wasn’t just the wedding.
After a neighbor and her kids came over to bake and dance in our living room, My mind raced after that and beat me up for all the embarrassing things I said.
Even getting my nails done before the wedding was full of anticipatory anxiety simply because I saw a new nail technique in a new nail place. What if he wanted to do it chat for the whole mani-pedi? My usual nail technique was one introvert like me and let me relax in the massage chair.
I’ve written about social anxiety beforebut lately mine feels like it’s at an all-time high. As I shared last week, I am being treated for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). after several extremely difficult events including cancer, domestic abuse and the sudden death of my father. My nervous system is more overwhelmed than ever.
So I wanted to share what I learned social anxiety – what really causes it and how we can start to disarm it – in case it helps other introverts who may be struggling.
Social anxiety is more common than you think
Social anxiety is very common, and the vast majority of people report experiencing it at some point in their lives.
Are they the only ones who don’t report experiencing social anxiety? Real psychopaths. Brain scan studies suggest that social anxiety and psychopathy may be at opposite ends of the spectrum. In socially anxious people, a region called the frontolimbic circuit overreacts; unusually quiet for psychopaths.
Social anxiety may be even more common among introverts. Studies have shown that introverts are more likely to experience social anxiety than extroverts, perhaps because our reflective nature can make us more self-conscious or worry about being judged.
It’s not all bad
In his book How to be yourself, Ellen Hendriksen defines social anxiety as “the fear that people will see something bad about you and therefore reject you.” And have you felt this fear all your life, or only at certain moments – for example, when you introduced yourself to the group – this has a real price. Social anxiety can hold you back at work, keep it relationships from immersion and feels miserable and exclusively.
Social anxiety also usually runs in families. After the parent with social anxiety disorder, you increase the chance of contracting it yourself four to six times. Social anxiety is also learned. Each time, we log in to the virtual meeting exactly at the start time to avoid being delayed chatwe teach ourselves that people really are as dangerous as we’ve feared—and we can’t handle them.
It’s not all bad though. “A little bit of social anxiety…makes us more aware, thoughtful, and conscious,” Hendriksen writes. From an evolutionary point of view, social anxiety is hardwired into our genes because it helps social groups function smoothly. It also increases our self-awareness, empathy and attention to others.
But what do you do if you’re an introvert whose social anxiety makes you want to fake the flu to get out of a family wedding?
What is really behind social anxiety?
We are often told that social anxiety is mainly that fear. But that’s not the whole story. Social anxiety is essentially about shame.
Hendriksen explains that people with social anxiety are not really afraid of social situations themselves. We fear the Revelation, the moment when others see our faults and our worst fear is confirmed – that something is wrong with us.
It’s no wonder that social anxiety makes us want to withdraw, to stay homehold it quiet. As Hendriksen writes, “Social anxiety appears to be an urge to seek cover.”
How to disarm social anxiety
It often starts with the things we tell ourselves. Hendriksen calls this voice our Inner Critic. Sometimes we’re so used to it that we don’t even notice what he’s saying.
To find out what your inner critic is telling you, Hendriksen suggests completing the following sentence:
When I (fill in the situation where I am anxious) it becomes apparent that I am (what my inner critic says is wrong with me).
Naming the thought makes counterbalancing easier.
I wrote, “When I attend my cousin’s wedding, it becomes obvious that I’m fat and awkward.”
Oops.
Cognitive behavioral therapyor CBT, can help you challenge negative thoughts about yourself or the situation. One tip that was particularly helpful for me was to imagine the worst thing that could happen and then ask myself the following questions:
- How bad would it really be if it happened?
- What are the odds of that happening?
- How would I cope if the worst were to happen?
It gave me realism. The worst that could happen would be for someone to point the finger at me and say, “Wow, you really let yourself go!” But at a wedding where everyone is smiling, mingling and behaving, the chances of that happening are slim.
And even if it did, he would be the rude and unreasonable person in this scenario the person pointing the finger at a recovering cancer patient – not me. So really, the shame wouldn’t be mine.
I would cope by reminding myself that I have survived much harder things than one rough comment.
How kind I am to myself
Another thing I’m learning is to show myself compassion instead of beating myself up. I remind myself that it makes sense to be anxious, given everything I’ve been through. My body had to go through a lot. Of course, he is on high alert.
But I also remind myself that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, accepted, or even found attractive.
“Under all this anxiety, you are equipped with everything you need. You don’t have to fake anything, you don’t have an image to manufacture. You are enough as you are,” writes Hendriksen.
I needed to hear that.
And guess what? My nails turned out great – so great, in fact, that I plan to make that nail art my new regular! And after trying on several dresses, I felt really cute at the wedding, scars and all.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created Confident Introvert Scripts. It’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, energy conservation, socializing, and more. I developed the guide based on feedback from therapists and introverts to make sure it really helps.
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