Most sensitive children spend years misunderstanding or “masking” who they are. Yours doesn’t have to.
Did you feel misunderstood when you were? grows up as an extremely sensitive child (HSC)? Maybe you’ve been told you’re too emotional, that you need to toughen up, or any number of other things that make you feel less valid.
Many a misunderstanding around highly sensitive people (HSP) stems from cultural values and social norms. Many of the adults who raised us didn’t show or talk about their emotions in front of us because it wasn’t “socially acceptable.”
Well, you are raising an extremely sensitive child and it can be challenging. Each sensitive person is unique in their sensitivities, so it is essential that you are aware of your child’s special sensitivities and accept them for who they are.
The key is listening and communicating in a way that empowers your sensitive child
The key to a strong bond between you and your child is to listen and communicate in a way that empowers them and supports a sense of validation. Understanding your child – and their sensitivities – is an important first step in building this relationship. It’s not easy and there can be difficult times, but it’s worth it.
As a parent, you face many important questions: Do I accept my sensitive child? who are they I wish I could change them? How can I make sure that my child knows that I love him for who he is? How can I make sure they don’t feel left out or marginalized by society? You can try to “fix” them by removing certain stimuli from their lives or encouraging them to “get used to it.” Although these decisions may make sense youthey can be incredible invalidation for your child.
In my next book Sensitive: Healing and understanding your child’s mental healthI share the importance of accepting and understanding our children as they are.
“When children are restricted and forced to become someone they weren’t born to be, they begin to lose confidence. Their self-esteem is damaged, which creates an internal battle with their true innate self. Internal struggles become external struggles. That’s when we start to see mental illness, behavioral problems, and addiction. A child needs to know they have support because that’s part of advocacy.”
Accepting your highly sensitive child is important, but so is understanding
the truth is accepting your child and his sensitivity is importantbut understanding this leads to a deeper level of validation. Acceptance is about you and your child creating shared values and beliefs and bonding. It’s not just about you or your child; it’s about the connection and relationship between the two of you.
My daughter is an extremely sensitive person and she was challenging as a child – it seemed because she was different from other children her age. The truth is, he did things his way, but we weren’t sure what that meant when he was younger. I finally realized that understanding his differences was the first step towards fully developing into who he was meant to be.
It is important to accept your child as he is and how he processes the world, but that is not enough. You may accept your child, but if you don’t understand why he is the way he is, you may not be able to help him as effectively. Understanding leads to a deeper level of validation. Understanding allows you to focus on what matters instead of being distracted by what doesn’t. However, here are four ways you can understand and accept your highly sensitive child.
4 ways to understand and accept a highly sensitive child
1. Put yourself in their shoes to better understand their temperament and personality.
Your highly sensitive child’s temperament and personality are things you can’t change, but things you can learn to understand to help them grow and thrive. Highly sensitive children are born with these innate characteristics. Sensitivity cannot be ‘managed’ or ‘fixed’; therefore, it is important to learn about the features and how they work.
It is for very sensitive children strong emotions and process experiences on a deeper level like most children (as well as us very sensitive adults). They are often introverted, thoughtful, creative and empathetic – all positive qualities! The events around them affect them more deeply than their peers. They react emotionally to things you hardly notice.
2. Remember how stress and emotions affect them.
When a highly sensitive child feels stressed or emotional overloadedthey will have a harder time coping than a less sensitive child. It is important to understand which situations cause your child stress. Of course, this can vary from child to child – what to eat for lunch can be stressful overstimulated by bright lights in their school classroom. And remember, it’s not their fault that they’re overwhelmed in these situations.
As a parent, you can help your child cope with limits and boundariesand to teach them effective ways to manage stress – whether it’s taking them outside for a walk or giving them time to themselves.
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3. Understand that they were born with non-negotiable qualities.
Just as you and I were born with certain traits that could not be changed or taught early on, your HSC was born with a set of unique traits. What is true for one sensitive child is not necessarily true for another – one may be more prone to crying, while the other they nurture their creativity due to their heightened sensitivity.
Your HSC may seem difficult to understand, but if you want to make them happy, you need to learn to relate to them and what interests them. They may like to play complicated games, read books or listen to music, so take care of their hobbies.
4. Figure out their needs and then act accordingly.
According to Dr. Elaine Aron, author the The highly sensitive child, Highly sensitive children are born with nervous systems that are more finely attuned to their environment than most. Your highly sensitive child has a different brain and nervous system than an average child, so they need time to process and integrate information. In fact, HSCs have twice as many neurons in the prefrontal cortex (the area responsible for decision-making) as the average person. This means that they are more aware of their decisions and how they affect others. This can be challenging when they are constantly being told what to do. This is the struggle of a highly sensitive adult, so you can only imagine what it’s like for a highly sensitive child.
If the HSC is overloaded, they may stop due to anxietythey withdraw into themselves or lash out at others. That’s why it’s important to understand that they don’t need punishment, but rather support in understanding who they are – and affirming why their sensitivity is a superpowerit doesn’t hurt – and what makes them feel safe. Because the safer you feel, the more you understand and accept the other. You’ll see.
My next memoir, The sensitive ones: Healing and Understanding your child’s mental healthis available for pre-order and will be released on April 12, 2022. She shares my account of motherhood, love and fear—and how we deal with our sensitivities about how the world treats us.
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