We all become more introverted as we age, even the most extroverted.
I’m classic introvertbut in my teens and twenties it was normal that almost everything weekend with friends. Now in my forties, the perfect weekend is one with no social plans.
And I’m not the only one who has been socializing less lately. I’m an extrovert his friendfor example, he ran through his entire contact list and called his friends when he was alone in the car. He said he hated the silence, the emptiness, because it was boring to be alone.
You know, the whole 10-15 minute drive to the grocery store. Oh, the horror.
I rarely get to take her out for brunch or coffee these days. She is content to spend most nights at home with her husband and two kids. And I haven’t received a single infamous call in years.
So, what does it give? Do we become more introverted as we age?
Probably, says author Susan Cain Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – and that’s actually a good thing. Let me explain.
Why we become more introverted as we age
In the post A Quiet RevolutionSusan Cain confirmed my suspicions: We tend to become more introverted as we age. Psychologists call this “inner maturation.” This means our personalities become more balanced, “like a fine wine that mellows with age,” Cain writes.
Research it also shows that our personalities do indeed change over time—and usually for the better. For example, as we grow older, we become more emotionally stable, friendly, and conscientious, and the greatest change in agreeableness occurs in our 30s and continues to improve into our 60s. “Acceptability” is one of the qualities that a Big Five personality scaleand people who excel in this trait are warm, friendly, and optimistic.
We become quieter and more closed, we need less “time” and excitement to feeling of happiness.
Psychologists have observed the inner maturation of people all over the world, from Germany to the United Kingdom, Spain, the Czech Republic and Turkey. And it’s not just the people; it has also been observed in chimpanzees and monkeys.
This shift is why, as we age, we slow down and begin to enjoy a quieter, calmer life—and yes, this happens to both introverts and extroverts.
Becoming more introverted is a good thing
It makes evolutionary sense for us to become more introverted as we age—and that’s probably a good thing.
“High levels of extroversion probably help with mating, which is why most of us are the most social during mating. teen-age and young adult years,” writes Susan Cain.
In other words, being more extroverted when you’re young can help you make important social connections and ultimately find a life partner. (Flashbacks to awkward high school dances and college “welcome week.”)
Then, at least in theory, by the time we hit our 30s, we’ve committed to a life journey and a long-term relationship. We can have children, a workspouse and mortgage – our life is stable. That way, it will be less important to constantly branch out in new directions and meet new people.
(Note that I said “theoretically.” I’m a single mom in my 40s. We don’t have to follow anyone’s script.)
“If the first half of life is about showing yourself off, the second half is about understanding where you’ve been,” Cain explains.
During your married years with children, think about how difficult it would be to start a family and maintain close relationships if you were constantly jumping into the next one. afraid. Even if you don’t get married or have kids, it would be hard to focus on your career, health, and life goals if you were always hanging out with your friends like you were in your teens and twenties.
Once an introvert, always an introvert
But there’s a catch: our personalities only change so much.
In my book The Secret Life of IntrovertsI like to say that our personalities may evolve, but our temperaments remain constant.
This means that if you are an introvert, you will always be an introvert, even at the age of 90. And if you are an extrovert – although it may slow down with age, you will always be an extrovert.
I’m talking about the big picture here: who you are at your core.
Research supports this idea. In 2004, Harvard psychologists Jerome Kagan and Nancy Snidman studied individuals from infancy to adulthood. In one study, babies were exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and their reactions were recorded. Some babies became upset, cried and flapped their arms and legs; these were labeled “strongly responsive”. environment.
Other babies remained calm around the new stimuli; they were the “low responders”.
When Kagan and Snidman later checked in with these individuals, they found that the “highly reactive” infants often became more cautious and reserved, while the “low reactive” infants remained gregarious and bold as adults.
So our basic temperament—whether cautious or sociable, introverted or extroverted—doesn’t change dramatically with age.
Example: Your high school reunion
For example, think about your high school reunion.
Let’s say you were very introverted in high school—perhaps the third most introverted person in your graduating class. Over the years, you’ve grown better and better confident, pleasant and comfortable in his own skinbut you’ve also become a bit more introverted. If you enjoyed hanging out with your friends once a week in high school, maybe now in your thirties, you’re content with seeing them only once a month.
At your ten-year high school reunion, you notice that everyone has slowed down a bit, enjoying a calmer, more stable life. But who were very extroverted high school they are still much more extroverted than you.
You’re still roughly the third most introverted person in your class—but now the whole group has shifted a bit toward the introverted side.
And that’s not bad. In fact, this is exactly what we need to flourish as adults. If there’s one thing we introverts understand, it’s the deep satisfaction of a quiet life.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts. It’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, energy conservation, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps.
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