“An appropriate adult communicates clearly and firmly.”
I have heard this from many people.
By that definition, I would not have qualified as a proper adult for most of my life.
There was a time when I couldn’t even ask someone for a glass of water. I know this may sound crazy to some, and for a long time I felt crazy about it.
Why couldn’t I do what other people did without thinking about it? Why couldn’t I just say what I needed to say? Why can’t I be normal?
These questions would only feed into the shame spiral I was trapped in at that time in my life.
But the question was not how I could overcome the fact that I was so damaged and flawed, but how my struggle made sense based on my upbringing.
Because based on that, I was perfect and my behaviors made sense.
I was the child who was taught to be seen and not heard.
I was the kid whose feelings made others angry and violent.
I was the child whose anger was shamed and rejected by the person who needed me the most.
I was the kid who got spanked over and over again until he wouldn’t cry anymore.
I was the child whose needs made those who cared for him uncomfortable.
I was the kid whose needs were called selfish, attention seeking, or ridiculous.
I was the kid who was wronged for everything he felt, wanted, or needed.
I was the kid who was called a monster for being who he was – a kid.
I was that kid who grew up feeling unwanted, lonely, and completely repulsive.
So why would that kid ever talk? Why would that kid share anything about himself? He wouldn’t‘right? Everything makes sense. I interpreted. It was a way of life. A way to survive.
I was taught not to count. That what I wanted or needed and how I felt was something so hideous that it had to be hidden at all costs. And I did it to avoid being hurt, shamed, and rejected. Even when I was with different people. Even as an adult.
This pattern has guided my life. I just couldn’t bring myself to say the things I wanted and needed to say. It was too scary. It seemed too dangerous. It was shameful.
So if you find it hard to express yourself and feel embarrassed about it, I understand. me too. But you should know this: it’s not your fault. It was never your fault.
And yes, life is harder when you haven’t become who you are as an adult. When the only way to protect yourself was to be less. When you could never grow into yourself because it would hurt you. When you couldn’t learn to love yourself because that was the biggest risk.
But today this risk lives only in you. In your conditioning. And it is‘and where the inner healing work enters.
For me, this meant getting professional support to learn how to safely connect with myself and my truth, and how to banish the critical, demanding, and humiliating inner voice that told me my feelings, needs, and desires were wrong.
It meant learning to control my nervous system so I could overcome my fear and be honest about what worked for me and what didn’t. This was a big turning point in my relationships because I started to stand up for myself more openly and assertively, which meant that my relationships either improved dramatically or I realized that other people didn’t really care about me and how I felt.
It also meant opening up emotionally and learning to understand what my feelings were trying to tell me. Having learned to avoid and repress my emotions as an adult, I knew it would be a challenge to really get to know myself.
I had a great opportunity to rebuild myself – to give myself the love, affection and attention I didn’t get as a child.
And that’s what finally allowed me to finally feel safe enough to express myself.
My relationship with myself began to become a refuge instead of a battlefield, and my life has never been the same since.
Everything on the outside began to align with what was going on inside me. The more secure I became with myself, the more secure the people in my life became, which allowed us to develop deeper, more meaningful, and more intimate relationships.
So I know it’s like that change is possible. Even if you don’t feel like it right now. I know it is possible because today I am the most authentic and expressive version of myself that I have ever been.
Just check out everything I’m sharing with you here. This is a far cry from asking for a glass of water.
Today I no longer choke back the words I’ve always wanted to say. I speak them.
I don’t hold back my feelings anymore. I can feel them. I share them. Freely.
Today I no longer deny my needs and play down my desires. it’s my property. I will meet them. I fulfill them.
Today, I own who I am, and I don’t feel the toxic shame holding me back like I once did.
At the time, I never thought it was possible for me.
I hope that by sharing my story and my transformation, you will follow the spark of desire within you that wants you to express yourself. To share your thoughts and desires. To express what it is‘like being you To finally meet as many people as possible, and eventually everyone.
You have to listen to this. Not the voice of fear or shame. Not your conditioning. Nothing or anyone that reinforces your inhibitions or trauma.
You were born to express yourself fully. It was your birthright. This is the gift of the world.
Just because the people who raised you didn’t understand you as the unique wonder that you are, doesn’t mean you have to deprive the world and yourself of experiencing it. More from you. all of us.
It’s never too late to open your heart and share yourself in a way that feels healing, liberating, empowering, and loving.
About Marlena Tillhon
Marlena is an experienced psychotherapist and success coach who specializes in healing internal trauma and breaking unhealthy patterns that prevent her ambitious clients from achieving the success they know they can achieve in their lives, relationships and careers. You can find him Instagram or Facebook and get free training and gifts website.
