Introverts are used to solving problems quietly and independently, so we may not ask for help – even when we need it.
I was about to start a very aggressive chemotherapy treatment for my cancer. Every two weeks I spent a whole day at the clinic receiving infusions. I would do this eight times. After each treatment, I became so sick that I could barely function. I couldn’t drive myself home or cook. I was exhausted, nauseous and foggy. There were no other adults in my home to help.
At first I tried to manage everything myself. Before each infusion, I stocked my kitchen with ready meals so I wouldn’t have to cook. I scheduled Uber rides to and from the clinic. I planned everything meticulously so that I wouldn’t have to rely on anyone else. As sick as I was, I was determined to function on my own.
Then one day a hospital social worker asked me a simple question: Why don’t you get help?
He was right. I wasn’t. I grew up in family where asking for help was considered a burden you shouldn’t place on others. Besides, I am one introvert with social anxietyso I naturally tend to do things on my own. Even a simple request can make you nervous.
But as chemotherapy made me sicker and sicker, I finally had to admit that I couldn’t do that. exclusively.
So I started small. I started asking to be taken to treatment. A lot of people in my life were busy with their own jobs and families, so sometimes people said no. But sometimes they said yes. They took me to the clinic, delivered a meal, or took my son to the playground for a few hours so I could rest.
Even if I had found a way to exercise on my own, the moments of support made me feel better. Asking for help became easier over time. (This is one of the reasons I wrote it Confident introverted scripts.)
Why is it hard to ask for help?
If asking for help makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re not alone. There are several common reasons why people struggle with it. One is the fear of appearing incompetent or weak. Research found this children at the age of seven, they can already believe that if they ask for help, they will look less talented. This belief can stick with us even in adulthood.
Another common fear is rejection. Hearing “no” can feel awkward or painful, so we may avoid asking. Sometimes the problem goes even deeper. You may feel that your worth depends on what you do—how productive you are, whatever take care of your children or bring home a paycheck. If this is the case, asking for help can feel like it loses some of its value.
Cultural norms can also play a role. Authored by Wayne Baker, PhD You just have to askexplains that Western cultures such as the United States do value independence. Independence is seen as a virtue. But like many good things, this can be taken too far. When independence is the expectation, asking for help can feel like breaking an unspoken rule.
Why it’s hard for introverts
If you’re an introvert, asking for help can be even more complicated. Introverts are used to solving problems quietly and independently. Many of us simply prefer to do things alone. If you suffer from social anxiety like I do, your mind exaggerates the risk of contact. Even something simple – for example, asking someone for a ride – can be felt stressful.
In my case, I knew it would mean a 90-minute drive with another person. I usually spend this time alone, listening to music or podcasts. The thought of socializing while traveling sounded exhaustingespecially when I was sick.
People want to help more than you think
But here’s the interesting part: Research shows that we’re often wrong about what people will do when we ask for help.
Xuan Zhao, a behavioral scientist at Stanfordinvestigated how people think about asking for help. His research suggests that people underestimate how willing others are to help them. Through a series of experiments, Zhao and his team found something surprising. People who needed help assumed that others were uncomfortable, or annoyed. They also expected rejection.
But the people asked for help reported something completely different. Many said yes happy to help and even felt good afterwards.
In other words, people who need help often think that their request will be more of a burden than it actually is, and they underestimate how willing others are to help.
They don’t know how to help
Another important point is that people often don’t help simply because they don’t know you need help. We love stories of spontaneous kindness, like a stranger helping in a crisis or a neighbor shoveling someone’s sidewalk after a snowstorm. But in everyday life, most help starts with a request.
People may want to help, but they’re not sure it’s their place to step in. They may be concerned about respecting your privacy, or they may not know what would actually be useful. Asking directly eliminates this uncertainty. When you ask for help, you give people a chance to show up for you.
Sometimes it does something even more meaningful: it deepens the relationship. When someone trusts you enough to be vulnerable and ask for help, it can bring you closer and strengthen you relationship.
How to ask for help
One way to become more comfortable asking for help is through what psychologists call cognitive reframing. Cognitive reframing simply means looking at a situation from a different perspective. When you change the way you think about something, your feelings change.
For example, instead of thinking I burden someone by asking for helpyou can rephrase the situation like this I’m giving someone a chance to help. Helping others can create meaning and connection, even joy. Your request can give someone the opportunity to feel useful and valued.
You can apply this idea to professional situations as well. Instead of thinking to ask a his colleague because the help may seem inadequate, you may ask them to add to their strengths. It allows them to participate in solving the problem and builds cooperation.
Another helpful reminder is that none of us can achieve as much alone as we can together. When more people are involved in the work, small details are less likely to be missed and more ideas can emerge. This is an especially important reminder for introverts, because with our limited social energy, many of us default to doing things on our own.
Scripts for help
If asking for help still feels awkward, having a few phrases ready can make things easier. Here are some simple examples from mine Confident introverted scripts.
For personal situations:
- This is a bit awkward for me to ask, but would you be willing to help me with something?
- Is that something you have the capacity for right now?
- Would you be open to helping me with ___?
- If you have time, I would really appreciate your help with ___.
For professional situations:
- I would help ___. I’m not quite sure how to go about it. Can we come up with ideas together?
- I could see this with another pair of eyes. Could you take a quick look?
- This is an area where you are strong. Would you be willing to provide some guidance?
- Is it time to ask for your opinion?
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak. It might actually make you stronger. As Wayne Baker writes“Asking for help is often the only simple act that stands between us and success.”
Are you an anxious introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts. That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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