“A big part of financial freedom is having your heart and mind free from worrying about the nature of life.” ~ Suze Orman
Growing up, my parents often fought about money because we didn’t have a lot of money. My mother was more of a casual spender, while my father went so far as to wear shoes one size smaller to save money.
This conflict of opposites created real tension in our home, and eventually my father instructed my mother to hand over her entire salary to my father for him to handle. She even had to ask for extras for things like menstrual pads or coffee. Now I understand that this kind of dynamic is called financial abuse.
When my mom left my dad, it was very difficult for her to support our family financially as she earned less money than my dad while they were together.
Still, he wanted more. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was twelve years old and my mother took me to a clothing store called Mango. I loved that store but could never shop there because it was out of our price range.
I spotted a simple black sweater and instantly fell in love with it. I showed it to my mom. It was about $20, which was my grocery budget for the week. And like all kids, I started begging him to buy it for me. Finally he gave in and said ok.
I remember we were standing next to the registry office. He was on my right side and when I looked at him, I not only saw, but I literally felt the stress he was going through spending $20 on a sweater he couldn’t afford. My excitement was immediately replaced by a deep sense of guilt and shame that I was the reason he was stressed and sad.
Although I didn’t realize it for many years, this was a defining moment when I unconsciously decided that I didn’t deserve or deserve to have more money or make good money.
Years later, when I began my healing work, I understood that these seemingly small and insignificant moments determine how we see money, how we feel about it, and whether or not we deserve it.
At first it seemed to have a positive effect. In my twenties, I became an extreme saver.
I moved to the United States when I was twenty-two. During my first year as an au pair, I lived with a generous family and still managed to save because I thought I was good with money.
After my year was up, I moved to Florida on my own and began to learn how the US financial system works. My husband then said that I should get a loan, because everyone does it. We all need credit to live in this country. So I got my first credit card. This was the time when my rescue muscles started to weaken.
The usual standard of living in Slovakia was different here, as I started from scratch. Being a customer service rep, my manicures, haircuts, and desire to live the high life because I was in America ate up a significant portion of my income while leaving me high and dry at the end of the month.
Looking back now, I would say the breaking point was when I had an emergency tooth. I woke up to find my right side completely swollen and had to rush to my dentist for an emergency appointment.
I had insurance, but I didn’t know that you often have to pay a significant portion out of pocket. After the emergency was averted, I stood at the front desk and handed the receptionist my insurance card. After a few moments, he looked at me with a smile and said, “A total of $1,600 out of your pocket.”
I froze, cold sweat pouring down my anesthetized face. What does he say? I don’t have $1,600. He looked at me again, smiled, and said, “That shouldn’t be a problem. We have a payment plan available.”
And so began my cycle of debt.
Could I sit here and tell you that the reason I got into such a bad financial situation was the system or the bankers and lenders who offered their money so freely? Of course. But that’s a very small part of the equation, and it’s not actually why I ended up breaking up.
After about eight years of personal loans, medical debt, car loans, and about six credit cards, I hit rock bottom and finally filed for bankruptcy.
One thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was that I was responsible, reliable and capable in other areas of my life, but I failed miserably when it came to money. Even my payment history was perfect because I was a responsible borrower. Later I joked that I was responsibly broke.
Bankruptcy was a turning point for me. When it was all over and my case was settled, I remember sitting on my bed in my studio apartment and asking myself, “How did I get here?”
After thinking about it, I realized it was a combination of three things. First, I never healed my money blocks and my faith that affected my income. Second, I refused to learn about money. And third, I used the debt to finance my lifestyle, even though I couldn’t afford it at the time.
After sitting with this for a while, I made a commitment to never be in this financial situation again. I decided to face my financial fears and bought my very first financial book, Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.
As one of the first steps, he recommends saving the first $1,000. I didn’t know how I would be able to do this, but I held strong to my faith. I started with $50. Then it was $100, $200, and finally within two months I saved my first $1,000.
Saving the first $1,000 was less about money and more about self-confidence as I rebuilt confidence in my decisions. I suddenly felt more capable and reliable when it came to money, a feeling I had never known.
Over the years, step by step, I started making healthier financial decisions. I opened my first brokerage account and started investing, and whatever point system a credit card company offers, I stay away from it.
Looking back on this journey of financial struggle and how I connected it to my self-worth, I have three pieces of money advice.
1. Deal with your financial trauma.
Whether people grew up with or without money, many of us have financial limiting beliefs that hold us back.
Five minutes in a clothing store with my mom at the age of twelve directed another twenty years of financial stress at me. Money directly affects our nervous system and our mental and emotional well-being.
Of course, for people who are truly struggling or living in poverty, financial stress is inevitable. But for many of us, the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle is a combination of poor financial habits, a negative relationship with money, and a lack of financial literacy.
Addressing your relationship with money will not only help you understand your current financial situation, but also reveal deeper wounds you may be carrying, such as feelings of unworthiness or a desire for validation. Money problems are often symptoms of a deeper problem.
2. Spirituality and money go hand in hand.
I grew up an atheist, so when I started exploring spirituality later in life, I developed a forgetfulness about money. I saw it as something materialistic that did not belong in the spiritual world.
Later, I realized that spirituality was another way to escape my financial trauma, to prove that I was above money and to show my way out of bankruptcy. While I don’t minimize the power of attraction and manifestation, I do think it’s important to be practical and logical when it comes to our finances.
The hardest lesson was learning that I can’t reach higher states of consciousness and heal most of my trauma when I’m stuck in constant survival mode and my nervous system is paralyzed by fight or flight mode because I don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent next month. We need to take care of the survival aspects of our lives before we can dive deeper.
3. Learn about money.
We keep hearing about a lot of negative financial statements. Things like “money can’t buy happiness” or “money is the root of all evil” when in fact there is nothing wrong with being interested in money, understanding it, and working with it effectively. Money is simply one of the many essential aspects of a healthy and balanced lifestyle.
You don’t have to aspire to be the richest person in the world, but understanding your budget, having an emergency fund, and saving for retirement are the foundations of your financial health.
When I started learning about money, it made me feel empowered and knowledgeable. I felt more confident, it gave me clarity and peace in my everyday life. I was able to achieve so much on a deeper personal level and heal because I wasn’t consumed by the daily financial stress.
Today, I no longer carry the shame of that moment on the record. Instead, I carry the knowledge that I am capable, worthy, and deserving of financial stability, and so are you.
About Silvia Turonova
Silvia helps financially independent women transform their relationship with money, managing both the emotional and practical side through a personalized money system. She created HerEaseWithMoney Starter, a free 10-minute money guide for women who are ready to take the first step. Get it here. You can find him too Instagram.
