If you’re dating an extrovert, instead of feeling like you always have to keep up with them, invite them to slow down with you.
They say opposites attract and we can’t always help who we fall in love with, right? It may seem like a cosmic joke when an introvert and an extrovert start datingbut it can work, in its own funny way.
I wish someone had given me some tips when I started dating an extrovert as an introvert… then married said the extrovert (although that’s another article!). Maybe it wouldn’t have been such a roller coaster. But as it turns out, it doesn’t have to be such a wild ride. So for the introverts who have feelings for the extroverts in their lives, here’s a some dating pointers.
5 tips for dating an extrovert (as an introvert)
1. You don’t have to say yes to every invitation.
Here is your permission not to say yes every time your extroverted crush invites you. And not just because you don’t want to seem too enthusiastic when you first start. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to follow any “rules” or worry about seeming too uninterested. You don’t have to throw your well-being out the window just because you’re dating someone new.
If your energy is low and you only need one night to stay insidetell me It doesn’t have to be a comment about how much you like the other person. But it’s a great way to protect your energy, set boundaries, and let your extrovert know how it works. Let them meet you where you are. This is a great way to notice how they react to boundaries. (Trust me, I know how hard it is for us introverts to say no.!) So watch their reaction when you explain that you just need a night to unwind after a long day at work. If they’re keepers, they’ll get it. Plus, it can open the door to a conversation about your introvert’s needs…
2. Don’t try to keep up with them – instead, invite them to slow down with you
Unfortunately, I didn’t get that memo when I first dated Mr. Extrovert. He was funny and busy and loved to go, go, go. Which of course I thought was exciting… and also thought that meant I should try to keep up.
It doesn’t take much to figure out that I crashed and burned pretty quickly. I needed the many talk and sort things out to create a more balanced relationship. I can’t really blame her for her confusion since I was masquerading as an extrovert. Many introverts fake it – but then our inner introvert reminds us to be at home, not out.
Once really actually introvertedthere was an opportunity to invite him into the room – or rather to go at my pace. Instead of feeling like I always had to keep up with him, I asked him to slow down with me. While he invited me to concerts and parties, I invited him to picnics in the park and morning coffee at my favorite coffee shop.
There was a lot of pushing and pulling at first and we found a middle ground where we both felt comfortable. But I realized that it doesn’t always have to be one or the other; it can (and should) be both.
3. Appreciate your differences, but don’t forget to allow for commonalities.
When it comes to introverts and extroverts, this can be challenging — we can get really caught up in our differences, especially when it comes to getting our needs met. This can be very frustrating and a point of contention. But one useful thing to focus on is what you have in common as human beings. After all, you are more than an introvert and they are more than an extrovert.
While introverted and extroverted are The main differences are not the sum of who you are. And it doesn’t have to define your relationship either. Turns out Mr. Extrovert and I are huge sports fans and watched every single basketball playoff game together the first month we were dating. Now every basketball season reminds us of those beginnings. We can go to a game and be in a huge crowd – or watch the game from our living room couch – but either way, we can do it together.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
Someone asks, “Why are you so quiet?” A co-worker corners me when you are exhausted. A friend strives to plan you don’t have the energy for it.
Later he thinks I wish I had said something.
I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts.
That’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases time spent alone, protection of boundaries, energies, social life, etc. The guide is provided by feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps when your mind goes blank.
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4. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
Communication is huge in any relationship, it’s true. But when you both need very different things to thrive—eg he needs alone time as opposed to being with people – it’s vital that you make sure you communicate regularly. Of course, in the beginning it’s important to talk about things like how much alone time you need, and make sure your need for space doesn’t reflect your desire to stay in a relationship (or not). But even if you continue dating, it’s a good idea to check in regularly and talk about whether or not things are balanced for you and what you need more or less of, understanding that these things will ebb and flow.
This need not be a formal ‘performance review’ meeting; it can be spontaneous if that works for you. But it might be a good idea to check in regularly, maybe weekly, maybe on a date night that allows for open dialogue without too many distractions. Make these times a priority and try to do them regularly. It’s easy to get caught up in our daily lives and lose track of how we really feel about the relationship. Check-in dates are a great way to keep in touch and maintain a sense of ease and balance.
5. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to date – you two have to make up your own ‘rules’.
At the end of the day, there is no “right” or “wrong” way to make this work. We are all unique – even though we are all introverts, we are not exactly the same with many common interests. We all have varying amounts of alone time, or ways we prefer to spend our nights. The point is to find what works youthen find the right one for you as a couple – and go with it.
Don’t fall into the comparison trap either. Whether it’s social media or friends in real life, everyone has their own way of finding happiness. Some introverts swear they can only date introverts and some people don’t seem to care if their partner is like them or not. Everyone is different – and that’s okay. Only you know what makes you truly happy and what makes you feel fulfilled as a person. Let this be your guide.
While I humbly offer these tips as an introvert who has “been there” with extrovert dating, there is no actual guide to it (sadly). We all have to forge our own paths on this one. No matter how many extroverts you have in your life, they bring their own distinctive qualities to the table. So don’t be afraid to make up the rules as you go and enjoy the weird things that make you and your extroverted love happy. As I said before, I married mine. 
