Introverts don’t need a huge social circle. We just need some friends who understand our aloofness and want to dig deeper.
Finding your people difficult period. But this can be even more difficult if you are a loner introvert. You might want more friendsbut where do you meet them? And how do you start a conversation with a random stranger? Plus, most nights, introverts prefer stay home and relaxing than going out and socializing. Even when we’re having fun, people can still be draining.
This is not it introverts don’t like people. We only have limited social energy because of how our brains are wired. In his book Introverted power: Why is your inner life your hidden strength?Laurie Helgoe compares extroverts to hotels and introverts to luxury suites: extroverts can accommodate large numbers of guests who come and go, while introverts have limited—and more selective—reservations.
So we are looking for friends who really get us. THE ultra-talkative extrovert who party every weekend probably won’t be our BFFs. We are looking for people who understand our introversion, who can go deep and move at our pace.
If you’re an introvert struggling to build the meaningful friendships you want (and who isn’t?), here are nine tips.
How introverts can make friends who understand them
1. Think about the people you already know.
Want to add some new faces to your inner circle? You don’t necessarily have to afraid or network event. Chances are, there are already people in your life that you want to get to know better – someone interesting, someone like-minded. So start by taking stock of your acquaintances: the new person at work, a friendly neighbor, someone in your writing group whose work you admire.
Identify one or two of these people to connect with.
Which brings me to the next step…
2. Go ahead, take the first step.
Many introverts (myself included!) wait for others to come to them. After we’ve survived our share of unpleasant interactions, we may worry about rejection. “What if I ask him to bring me coffee and he says no?” Or worse, “What if he gets to know me better and doesn’t like who I am?” The process of making new friends can fill anyone with self-doubt – even the most confident between us. And if you’re an introvert who has experienced significant rejection (like many of us), you may feel like giving up completely.
Tendon collegeI learned a hard lesson about waiting for people to come to me. I was comfortable at home with my childhood friends—people I had known most of my life. But when I went to college, I suddenly found myself in a sea of unfamiliar faces—alone and lonely. I looked around and wondered what the others had become friends so fast. It felt like they were all reading from each other Friendship user guide that I didn’t have.
In retrospect, I realized that it often wasn’t think take the first step. As an introvert, this doesn’t come naturally. Observation and observation are my favorites, and I’m usually content to do my own thing.
But I’ve learned that friendships don’t usually “just happen”—unless an extrovert adopts you (and that’s not the goal here; we’re trying to like-minded friends). If I want meaningful new relationships in my life, I need to take action, even if that means stepping outside my comfort zone at times.
3. Give a glimpse of your inner world.
When you meet new people, you feel like you have to appeal to everyone, as if it’s your job to make each new person like you. This is especially true a sensitive and empathetic introverts who tend to read others well. But here’s where things can go wrong: It’s like going up an escalator going down—a lot of effort that doesn’t actually get you where you want to go. And tiring.
Molly Owens Truth explains it well:
“Too often, you only show the parts of yourself that you think the other person wants to see so they’ll like you. Keeping up that facade is exhausting. It’ll probably make you question why you’re even friends when it’s clearly draining all of your energy.”
So when you find someone you want to connect with, be brave and show them who you really are. Give a glimpse into her rich inner world. That’s what it’s called healthy vulnerability, and it can sound like this:
- “I don’t know about you, but I’m not a fan of big parties.”
- “Chat the worst.”
- “I get really nervous when I’m on video calls.”
- “I really appreciate your support.”
- “I’m really struggling with ____. Can I tell you for a second?”
- “To be honest? I feel really embarrassed right now.”
- “I like you.”
When you open up like that, you make yourself vulnerable, and that’s how real intimacy begins.
4. Ask questions.
When we meet new people, we inevitably have to do what many introverts dread: talking about ourselves. Often this alone is enough to stop a budding friendship.
But here’s the good news: the conversation doesn’t have to be about you. Introverts have a superpower: observation. This way, the other person can discuss thoughtful questions such as:
- “What’s going on in your life?”
- “What have you been learning lately?”
- – If you could have any career, what would it be – and why?
Listening takes the spotlight off you, and many people like to talk about their favorite subject: themselves.
5. Pay attention to how friendship makes you feel.
How a friendship makes you to feel that’s the most important factor – not how similar you are on the surface or what other people think. Sometimes introverts need to be intentional about showing their emotions because they can easily get lost in all the other activities going on in our busy minds. So ask yourself:
- Do I feel better after spending time with this person? (Or I’m so exhausted I want to shut down bedroom door and spend days?)
- Can I be myself around this person?
- Can I trust them? (Or do I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say and do?)
- Does this person treat me with respect? Do they support me?
As an introvert, it’s normal to feel tired after spending time with people. After all, socialization requires energy. But there’s a difference between normal post-social fatigue and feeling drained because someone is especially hard to be around. Overall, it can be said that your friendship fills me with a good feeling.
Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Tendon They are introverts in the churchAdam S. McHugh explains:
“Because introverts are typically good listeners and at least give the appearance of calmness, we appeal to people who are emotionally needy. Introverts, who enjoy being initiated by others, can easily get stuck in these draining and unsatisfying relationships.”
If someone is completely exhausted nearby, allow yourself to step back. The last thing you need is another source of exhaustion. And when you let go relationships which are not suitable for you, you make room for those which are not.
6. Assess your interest level.
If you’ve ever wondered if someone really likes youyou are not alone. Introverts (and many extroverts too) often have a hard time telling if someone is genuinely interested or just being polite. Here are some signs that the other person enjoys your company and may be open to a real friendship:
- Do they ask personal questions as if they really want to get to know you better?
- Does the conversation ever go beyond small talk?
- Do they give you their full attention or are they often distracted by their phone?
- Did they share their contact information or try to schedule a time to chat?
If you answered not most of them think this person isn’t the best friend candidate, and that’s okay. Try not to get personal (easier said than done, I know). There are many reasons why someone isn’t right for you, and most of them have nothing to do with you.
7. Clumsiness will go away with time.
We all do it, but introverts can do it even more: we keep our best things to ourselves. Our quirky, fun, unique personality is only revealed when we really feel good with someone. So if things seem a little awkward with a new friend at first, don’t beat yourself up. This is completely normal.
The more time you spend together, the more relaxed you’ll feel – and the more your true self will shine through.
8. Get into a friendship routine.
Many introverts thrive on routine, and this also applies to friendships. Try setting up a regular time to hang out with someone you know. Maybe brunch every Saturday morning, or a weekly coffee walk in the park after work on Tuesdays.
Knowing what to expect makes us feel better—and we use less energy to figure things out. Plus, it takes the pressure off of having to plan something new and exciting every time. A consistent routine gives room for friendship to grow, of course.
9. Go slow.
Owens explains, “Real friendships last a long time. If you bow to convention and start collecting bands, you end up with a bunch of shallow, unsatisfying relationships that crumble because they never had a solid foundation.”
So take your time and be kind to yourself. Building meaningful, lasting relationships does not happen overnight. But if you take it slow and stay true to who you are, you create space for the friendships that really matter.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts. It’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, energy conservation, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps.
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