What is a toxic empath and what are the signs of one? Suspect someone is a toxic empath, or fear you might be one? Can a toxic person be an empath? Toxic empathy is the same as dark empathy?
Empathy is the ability to feel the emotions of another person; Toxic empathy is the tendency to over-identify with another person’s emotions. As a result, it absorbs their suffering and pain until it becomes all-consuming.
17 Signs of a Toxic Empath
When empathy turns toxic
How empathy does it become toxic? If we want to understand toxic empathy, let’s remind ourselves what empathy is. Psychotherapist Rebecca Love defines empathy as:
“…a state of over-identification and over-responsibility for the emotional state, well-being, or problem-solving of others, at the expense of one’s own relationships, self-care, and sense of peace.”
So, what makes an empath a toxic empath? This is the latest one study useful as it highlights the four themes of empathy:
- Understanding
- Feeling
- Sharing someone else’s feelings
- Maintaining the distinction between self and other person
And that last part is important because empathy becomes toxic when you blur this border.
Here are the signs that you are dealing with a toxic empath:
- You feel overwhelming and persistent sadness and depression.
- You can’t focus on your own life because you’re so consumed by the other person’s emotions.
- You neglect your feelings or beliefs.
- You forgive someone for their actions because you are completely immersed in their emotions.
- You identify your value by helping this person or solving their problems.
- You know never say no of this person, even at the expense of their well-being.
- You feel responsible for this person’s happiness.
- There are physical symptoms of stress (headache, upset stomach, insomnia, etc.).
- He puts your needs on the back burner to prioritize the other person.
- You feel exhausted when attempting the simplest of tasks.
- You lose your autonomy if you take on more of the other person’s struggles; your boundaries are blurred.
- He insists on giving advice or imposing his solutions on their problems.
- You’ve become angry because of the time this person is taking away from you.
- You are suffering compassion fatigue; you feel irritated, cynical, or numb to this person’s problems.
- They only call when they want something.
- You normalize unacceptable behavior.
- You became theirs scapegoat for anything that goes wrong.
How to deal with a toxic empath
Use consequences, not boundaries
We hear the word “boundaries” a lot when talking about it dealing with toxic people. I like to use the term “consequences” instead. It’s pretty much the same thing, but it’s proactive rather than reactive. Boundaries are just a set of rules, but what happens when someone consistently breaks your rules?
Barb Nangle is a boundary educator, and she gives a stark example of boundaries, which I paraphrased here:
Nangle says to think of boundaries like a fence with a gate around the house. You are the house, and within your fence is acceptable behavior; cannot be accepted outside. You decide who enters the gate; it’s your responsibility. You can’t expect others to tidy up.
It is the same as leaving the gate open and allowing people to come into your property and destroy your house. You made the rules, but people ignored them. what are you doing now
You can’t control another person’s behavior just by laying down some rules. However, setting out the consequences for breaking the rules allows you to show the person what will happen if their behavior becomes unacceptable.
If someone does something you don’t like, you give them consequences. You don’t just hope they change; it’s like leaving the gate open and hoping for the best. Consequences give you control.
Examples of consequences
- Boundaries: Please keep your voice down when you talk to me.
- Consequences: If you continue to raise your voice at me, I will leave.
- Limits: You can borrow my car, but please replace the gas used.
- Consequences: I won’t let you rent the car again if you don’t fill up the tank.
- Boundaries: Please do not follow hurtful jokes about me at family events.
- Consequences: I will not join you at family events if you continue to make hurtful jokes with me.
- Boundaries: Please don’t constantly question my parenting skills.
- Consequences: I refuse to talk about it when you give me unsolicited advice.
- Boundaries: You are rude to me when you drink. Please don’t talk to me like that.
- Consequences: I won’t talk to you when you’re drunk.
Did you notice that the boundary examples all use the pronoun “You” and the consequential examples use “I”? “I won’t…”, “No…”, “I won’t tolerate…” etc. This highlights the proactive consequences. When you use ‘I’, you are in control. Using “you” gives control to the other person. “You don’t do that…”, “You never do that…”, “You keep doing that…” You have no influence over the other person.
Why Consequences Stop Toxic Empathy?
- They empower you to stop the unacceptable behavior.
- They protect me from it you feel guilty.
- They prevent unacceptable behavior.
- They help others change their behavior.
- They prevent you from being overwhelmed by other people’s problems.
- They teach people to respect your decisions.
- They hold others responsible for their decisions.
- They prevent you from ignoring your needs.
- They hold people accountable for their behavior.
- They help you take control of the situation.
- Consequences allow for healthy growth, learning, and mutual respect.
Final thoughts
Toxic empathy shows that too much of a good thing can make us feel bad. However, setting consequences can help you deal with toxic empathy and allow you to be the compassionate person you are, but not at the expense of your health.
Sub-editor and collaborator at A learning mind
Janey Davies appeared on the Internet over 10 years ago. She has suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study and receive an Honors Degree in Psychology from the Open University. Janey uses her own experience of anxiety to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
